Pus-filled fun
June 19, 2007 at 12:06 am | In the pus was thick and viscous like custard | 66 CommentsHad to spend this evening in Casualty. I woke last Friday with a lump on my head, right where my cheek meets my earlobe. It was fairly painful, but I thought nothing of it. By Saturday it had doubled in size. By Sunday it had doubled again, and it was agony even to the lightest touch. So, to hospital I went.
Being a reasonable chap, I knew it had to be one of three options:
(a) a pus-filled abscess
(b) cancer of the earlobe, or possibly the lymphatic system
(c) my unborn twin, whose fetus I mysteriously absorbed into myself while still in the womb, was starting to grow inside me and was about to burst out through the side of my head.
Obviously (c), despite being the coolest option, was unlikely. It had to be cancer. Cancer of the earlobe, the worst kind. You shouldn’t joke about these things. Still, what else is there to do when you’re as close to death as I was? I hope you always remember that I kept a smile on my face right to the end.
I was gutted when the doc told me it was an abscess, and not at all life-threatening. However, if I keep getting them, it may mean I’m diabetic, so that’s something, at least.
The coolest bit was when he gave me a local anaesthetic and sliced it open. You should’ve seen the amount of yellowish-black gunk that came out of it. He used fourteen cloths to clean it out. I counted. Gunky.
I have to go around for the next few days with a plaster the size of an envelope on my face. I spent the rest of this evening practicing my “Phantom of the Opera” move. Look at me, look at me, look, look, yes, I’m normal, yes, don’t be afraid my pet…
Then HYEEA! I turn and brandish my hideous deformed right cheek and you cower and shriek like the child you wish you still were.
I hope you are doing well. I miss you all, my little bloglings.
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You sicken me.
Comment by The Swearing Lady — June 19, 2007 #
I miss you the most, minky.
Comment by kav — June 19, 2007 #
Are you washing your ears too vigorously?
Amazing what the body can produce, isn’t it? If you’re one of the lucky ones prone to this sort of thing, you can try to set a personal best each time. Fourteen cloths? Pah! Go for twenty next time!
Comment by Melissa — June 19, 2007 #
Cheers Kav. We’ve missed you. But you are back to us in all your suppurative scrofulous glory. As Fattymammycat might say – huzzah.
Comment by Glinda the good — June 19, 2007 #
Yikes, I meant Fatmammycat.
Comment by Glinda the good — June 19, 2007 #
Wow. Just wow. And had to smell something awful, too.
Ack.
Forget dinner, I’m not hungry aaaanymore ..
Comment by hdw — June 19, 2007 #
How deep is the hole in yr face Kav? Sorry, I have a sort of gross infatuation with this sort of thing. Right I’m off to google “Puss Filled Abcesses”
Comment by the ill man — June 19, 2007 #
Sounds like one of the unpleasant symptoms of blog-post withdrawal. I know this one guy, he hadn’t posted for over two weeks, and his bollocks fell right off.
The only way to avoid this sort of thing is to post to your blog at least once a day.
Comment by derfen — June 19, 2007 #
d) Unhatched nest of baby tarantulas.
Either way, that was a great story, Mr. Phantom. I laughed, I cried, I dry-heaved. I lived it.
Comment by whyioughtta — June 19, 2007 #
I’ve totally been there.
http://blognameremoved.blogspot.com/2007/03/im-bringing-sexy-back-using-only-my.html
Comment by Todd — June 19, 2007 #
Wow! The ultimate zit! You lucky feker.
Comment by Primal Sneeze — June 19, 2007 #
Oh I’m so happy to have found you – your very funny!
I had a tumour cut out of my left cheek (on my face, naturally) and I too took massive delight in grossing people out with my oozing red scar. My daughter banned me from picking her up from school for two weeks. I had to wait in the car.
Wear your gunky sore as a badge of honour.
Not all can be so lucky.
Comment by Betty — June 19, 2007 #
Will you be scarred?
Physically I mean – obviously you’re already carrying so much emotional baggage that any psychological stuff would just be absorbed, like pus into 14 cloths.
Comment by Eolaí — June 19, 2007 #
Yer so filled with poison and bile its growing out of you. I had a massive zit on my cock once, that was fun to pop. I haven’t missed you cunt.
Comment by old knudsen — June 19, 2007 #
Awesome. I assume you took photos.
Comment by Twenty Major — June 19, 2007 #
Was it an ingrowing hair?Have you seen the movie ‘How to get ahead in advertising’? maybe there is another Kav…
Comment by Is it just me? — June 19, 2007 #
Lucky fecker, I can only dream of an abcess that would take 14 swabs to clean it up.
But it still wouldn’t beat popping one of those massive black heads that old people get on their noses!
Comment by ellie — June 19, 2007 #
did it stink ?
Comment by Rambling Man — June 19, 2007 #
If you don’t get rid of the bad stuff via blogging, you might as well get used to expectorating pus on a regular basis. Imagine the mess if Twenty gave it up for a week. It looked like it nearly killed Sweary there a few weeks back.
Comment by galwaywegian — June 19, 2007 #
I just threw up in my mouth. Thanks.
Comment by Blarneyman — June 19, 2007 #
Puss is just gross.
The twin would have been super cool though.
Comment by Debbie — June 19, 2007 #
And there I was, hoping for a trip to Scutland.
Comment by FLUTT — June 19, 2007 #
That label made my stomach flip a little.
You are the second person to make me think of How to Get Ahead in Advertising in two days. If someone else does it, it’ll be a trend. A very disgusting trend.
Hope you get better.
Comment by Sassy Sundry — June 19, 2007 #
You got Sam’s goiter, you pustulent carbuncle! It must be a Scottish thing. Give it back, she needs it to feed her hypochondriasis. It won’t grow without it.
I take it you bottled the pus? Pictures please!
Oh, alright, get well soon!
Comment by Conan Drumm — June 19, 2007 #
Thank fuck you didn’t post pictures. The Spouse Sparrow was telling me all about your pus-filled pet while I was fixing a tuna sandwich. It’s his new diet plan for me, apparently. Didn’t work.
Comment by Fat Sparrow — June 19, 2007 #
Post pictures
Comment by Annie Rhiannon — June 19, 2007 #
Hang in there for us! I know it’s hard to be strong in these times, but we love you as does the world. The loss of you would be the type of loss felt if one Wal-Mart closed its doors in American.
As Wilson Phillips sang — hold on!
Comment by Howard — June 19, 2007 #
eeeewwwwwwwwwwwww…
cool.
Comment by Miss Behavin — June 19, 2007 #
Get well soon! Sounds gross! Looking at your Top Posts on the right hand side there, there’s lots of posts with poo, puss and all sorts of yeuch bodily functions……we seem to love hearing about them.
Comment by aquaasho — June 19, 2007 #
I was rooting for the “C” option, Kav.
Be careful it doesn’t get infected.
Was that a physical manifestation of your psychological distress? The mind-body connection is significant.
Comment by Medbh — June 19, 2007 #
Bleeeeeeeeee. Do you need stitches?
Comment by fatmammycat — June 19, 2007 #
Goddammit I was eating my breakfast .
It doesn’t look so good anymore
Sigh….
Comment by EashtGalwaywoman — June 19, 2007 #
Btw, did you get leave of abcess from work?
Comment by Conan Drumm — June 19, 2007 #
Black & yellow – mmm stylish. Do you have any bad molars on that side of your wee face?
BTW – I was having trouble getting back into dieting, but thanks, I’ll be right off my food for a good three weeks now.
Comment by ab_xq — June 19, 2007 #
“Btw, did you get leave of abcess from work?”
Lollerskates
Comment by Annie Rhiannon — June 19, 2007 #
Photos?
Comment by jali — June 19, 2007 #
Thats fucking disgusting. You horrible, horrible person.
Comment by NiolK — June 19, 2007 #
But other than the oozing pus filled thing, you’re still gorgeous – yeah ?
Comment by irishflirtysomething — June 19, 2007 #
Kav, I know you’re bust but can I ask you for a little help with the getting the blogs I like to read thing on the side of my blog to look like my seven year old set it out?.Ta
Comment by Is it just me? — June 19, 2007 #
sorry that wasn’t very clear..its just that my seven year old would do a better job than I have and I just can’t get it sorted..
Comment by Is it just me? — June 19, 2007 #
Did you get a siesta from work at least? Maybe it was all of the stress about work-worries coming out of you?
Comment by Mairead — June 19, 2007 #
I have some terrific bumps on my head at the moment. Recently one burst and yellow pus and blood exploded out of it. It was very exciting. I’ve really missed squeezing spots – haven’t really had any since I was a teen.
Like you, I went to the doc and he said it was just blocked hair ducts and acted like I was wasting his time. So now I am looking forward to seeing the rest of the pus lumps explode. I am lucky that my horror show was hidden by my hair. you do not seem to be so lucky. poor kav!
Comment by emma — June 19, 2007 #
I get them, on my head, mostly in between the “11″ at the back of the scalp, sometimes small, once as vicious as that one, ew! Also, cysts, I think it must run in my family though, we all get the cysts. I had an absess a while ago and I burst it myself with a sterilised needle (it was late and I am too impatient to go to the doctor the next day) once the pus started coming out I vomited, won’t be so impatient next time!
Comment by Babs — June 19, 2007 #
Bah. I bet I could have got more than 14 cloths worth of pus out of my goiter. If it had grown that is – it only lasted 20 minutes. But if it had grown I bet it would have blown your little pimplette right off your face – yes, all the way from California it would have. I have terrific pus, the pus of a superhero – it’s my secret super-power.
Comment by problemchildbride — June 19, 2007 #
Princess! That is the most disgusting thing I have read all day.
Comment by Marika — June 20, 2007 #
Pus-eeee
Comment by Devin — June 20, 2007 #
I once worked in a Vet clinic. I dare you to try to gross me out.
Comment by phishez — June 20, 2007 #
OK, so far 47 comments on a pus filled post. it’s time to start opening up to advertisers.
1. Clearasil
2. Kebabs
3. DIY repair
4. Save the Children
5.Masturbators Anonymous
6
Please continue
Comment by EashtGalwaywoman — June 20, 2007 #
How’s your sebaceaous border?
Comment by Conan Drumm — June 20, 2007 #
Jeez. The really dire thing in all this horror is that the tale of your pus-filled face is one of the highlights of my day.
Comment by Lucy (WithaY) — June 20, 2007 #
That was nasty! And I’m gonna have nightmares about whyioughta’s comment, I just know it.
Comment by Lela — June 20, 2007 #
You would not believe the skanky shit that came out of it this morning. I’ve been taking antibiotics to get rid of it, so the doctor warned me there’d be some “seepage” due to the young lads in me fighting off the infection…
.
This morning, I went for a swim before work, and after my shower, I went to the mirror to check the state of the lump. I touched it gently…and oodles of white shit squirted out of the slits left by the doc’s scalpel blade. When I say squirted, I’m being literal – some of it actually ejaculated onto my chest from the gaping wound on my cheek. There was tons of it – enough to fill your toothbrush twice over, if you were to brush your teeth with it. Speaking of toothbrushes and the like, it leaked out the way toothpaste leaks out from a hole in the tube when you squeeze it – tiny wiry squirts forming together to make a big lump, with the consistency and texture of warm candlewax. It was fucking brilliant. I was late for work because I spent so long standing there, naked but for a towel, squeezing this white crap out of the holes in my face. Alas, no pictures. I really need to get me a cameraphone.
.
I hope there’s more tomorrow. This is the best infection I’ve ever had.
Comment by kav — June 21, 2007 #
Oh, and no stitches required, though there will probably be a small scar or two, which is another reason this infection is the best one ever.
Also, there was no smell off it, and no, I didn’t get any time off work for it.
Comment by kav — June 21, 2007 #
Oh, also, welcome to the new visitors. I used to be really good about chatting to everyone but sadly those days are gone.
Comment by kav — June 21, 2007 #
I’m going to eat something. From a tube.
Comment by Eolaí — June 21, 2007 #
I remember being upset at school that i never got one of those interesting ailments such as diabetes or an allergy or something that got me out of class every so often. Jammy bastards got to go to the nurse all the time.
Relieved now all the same…..
Comment by manuel — June 21, 2007 #
Best infection ever! An ailment to live for (as they don’t say).
All hail Kav, King of the Zits.
Comment by Primal Sneeze — June 21, 2007 #
Kav, I know how you feel, I had one on my jaw a few years back due to a bad tooth. I looked like Desperate Dan form the comic, on one side. I was in James for five days due to the chance of it getting into my Blood and poisoning me.
I remember the seeping it went on for days, I also did not get stitches they left the hole in my jaw open saying that it would closes itself after the infection was gone.
The only additional problem was that when leaving the hospital they forgot to give me a prescription for additional Antibiotics and so the whole did not close as fast. A week later for the check up the Doctor went mad as the risk of re-infection with an abscess is very high.
I was left with a round scar just under my jaw line, I tell people in Lebanon its where I was shot or Stabbed most believe me . Cool.
Comment by Macdara — June 21, 2007 #
Ah here, do we have to be greeted with this pus morning after morning after morning? Have ya nothing to tell us about poo?
Comment by Eolaí — June 21, 2007 #
You should get a sperm count done on this stuff. You know you want to.
Comment by Conan Drumm — June 21, 2007 #
just be glad it was on THAT cheek..i’ll say no more, sugar
Comment by savannah — June 21, 2007 #
please please please let me squeeze it for you!
Comment by ellie — June 21, 2007 #
That’s awesome MacD. Mine had no apparent cause – doc said it might have been an ingrowing hair or something.
Ellie, no way I enjoy squeezing to way too much to share.
Eolaí, I’ll have a think. It’s been a while since I did a poo post.
Comment by kav — June 22, 2007 #
A buddy of mine had similar after getting jabs for a holiday in thailand went wrong.. Had to go back to get it lanced in the docs surgery and it was like a geyser! Sprayed all over the doctor’s framed medical certs on the wall!
Hilarious!
Comment by Tis Me — June 22, 2007 #
“Eolaí, I’ll have a think. It’s been a while since I did a poo post.”………
Poo School
June 13, 2007 at 12:08 am
To be exact!
Comment by ellie — June 22, 2007 #
Nice one MacDara. I’d say James was delighted…..probably walks a bit funny ever since??
Comment by cantona — June 25, 2007 #