Great quotes from home.

August 9, 2006 at 8:57 am | Posted in random | 5 Comments

Ever heard the expression “Don’t be so Irish!” when somebody does something stupid? There’s some truth to that.

Most of these quotes are as old as the hills, but they still make me laugh. It’s just a random collection of stupid things said by Irish people over the years. Enjoy…

Random Idiots

“When I said they’d scored two goals, of course I meant they’d scored one.” RTE Soccer Commentator George Hamilton.

“If you’re a fifty pence piece in a pile of ten pence pieces,you have toshine so much brighter in order to be noticed.” Bono.

“I can hold a note and I know I’m not ugly so, in ways, that’s enough.” Keith Duffy of Boyzone.

“That mail used to be handled by hand, now it’s handled manually.” Chief Executive of the Post Office, John Hines.

“The referendum went as most people hoped it would.” The Irish Times editorial displaying acute understanding of the Democratic Process.

“Clap your feet!” Bernie of the Nolan Sisters.

“British Army bomb disposal squads who attempt to defuse car bombs early and before areas are properly evacuated will be responsible for endangering civilian lives.” IRA statement 1988.

“He’s pulling him off. The Spanish manager is pulling his Captain off!” Soccer Commentator George Hamilton as Butreguanio comes off against Ireland.

“The idea is well and good in theory, but tell me this, who is going to feed them?” Wicklow Councillor objects to a proposal to boost tourism by putting gondolas on Blessington Lake.

“We are not prepared to stand idly by and be murdered in our beds.” Rev. Ian Paisley.

“What we are doing is in the interest of everybody, bar possibly the consumer.” Aer Lingus spokesman.

“Deep down I’m a very shallow person.” Charles Haughey.

“Outside HIV in Grafton Street.” Gay Byrne plugging Hot House Flowers appearance (should be HMV).

Irish Headlines

“THOSE DISGRACEFUL MADONNA PICTURES – FOUR PAGE SPECIAL INSIDE” The Sun

“VIOLENCE DELAYS PEACE – LENIHAN” Irish Times

“CONCERNED RAPIST WORE A CONDOM” Evening Herald

“MRS REAGAN BETTER AFTER FALL” Irish Times

“SHARING THE BURDEN OF SCHIZOPHRENIA” Irish Times

“DOG SHOOTS MAN” Evening Press

“TEENAGE MUTANT BINGE AT THURLES” Report from the Festival Feile ’92

“RAPIST: I THOUGHT SHE WAS MY WIFE” The Star

“MAN KEPT ARMS UNDER BED AFTER RELATIVE’S DEATH” Irish Times

“DEAD MAN INJURED IN CRASH” Irish Times

“A top level Garda internal inquiry is being held in Connemara into anallegation that a local garda shot a cow….there has been no statement from the cow.” Irish Press.

More Idiocy…

“Mrs Windsor can come and go as she wants.” Gerry Adams on a visit by the Queen to Northern Ireland.

“I think the Irish woman was freed from slavery by bingo….they can go out now, dressed up, with their handbags and have a drink and play bingo. And they deserve it.” John B. Keane.

Interviewer: Is it not dangerous to sell people knives called Rambo Knives?
Shopkeeper: I wouldn’t say so, a lot of them can’t spell.

“I was called out to a non-existant phone call. When I returned I lifted my glass, smelled and said ‘My God, this is foul,it smells like piss’. A voice from the back called out, ‘We know, but whose?’.” Wine connoisseur T.P. Whelehan at a tasting in Trinity College.

Jim Mitchell: You’re always mixing me up with someone else.
Joe Brennan: Yes, I’m always confusing you with that fellow Mitchell.

“Ludicrous. Ridiculous.” 1989 edition of Collins Concise Dictionary defines the word ‘Irish’.

“Get married again.” Charles Haughey to women asking for an increase in the widows’ pension.

Irish Indo after the Gardai raided a “massage parlour” in Rathmines. This is the arresting Garda’s testimony: “When we entered the premises the defendant was naked and in an aroused state. When asked the reason for his presence at the establishment, he said he was being treated for a football injury.”

Job Application Form: Do you support the overthrow of the Government by force, subversion or violence?
Applicant: Violence.


Special “Just a Minute Quiz” Section

There’s this famous radio quiz back in Ireland called the “Just a Minute Quiz”, hosted by everyone’s favourite old DJ, Larry Gogan. The object is to answer as many general knowledge questions as you can within a minute. Here are some of the choicest responses given to Larry.

Larry Gogan: “With what town in Britain is Shakespeare associated?”
Contestant: “Hamlet.”

Larry Gogan: “Name the BBC’s Grand Prix commentator?….I’ll give you a hint. It’s something you suck….”
Contestant: “Oh, Dickie Davies.” (Murray Walker is the correct answer).

Larry Gogan: “What was Jeeve’s occupation?”
Contestant: “He was a carpenter.”

Larry Gogan: “Complete this well known phrase. ‘As happy as…..’ Here’s a hint: think of me.”
Contestant: “A pig in shit!”

Larry Gogan: (using a well-worn phrase after a caller got none of 18 questions right on the Just a Minute quiz) – “Ah sure the questions didn’t really suit you did they?”
Caller: “Ah go fuck off Larry you’re only an old bollox.”

and finally…

Larry Gogan: “What do you call a female cow?”

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5 Comments »

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  1. can hold a note and I know I’m not ugly so, in ways, that’s enough.

    I’m gonna use that today. Thanks.

    Oh, and a female cow is called a bitch. People don’t know this but it’s true.

  2. Over this way, people are concerned about being labled Polish.

    i.e. ‘Dumb Polack’

  3. Hehe Kav today you made me laugh in the office. Thanks for that, now all my colleagues think I’m not sharing the joke emails.

    @Summer: It’s kinda disturbing that all the Polish men in London seem to have a number 1 haircut, but they’re amazing workers from what I hear.

  4. duckie: Cheers, and welcome to my crappy blog 🙂

    summer: When I was a kid, we used to have a coal fire, and all the coal came in sacks that said POLISH COAL. I was about 15 before I realised that it meant Polish coal, and not polish coal. Does that make me Irish and a dumb Polack?

    michael: I reckon you should just copy and paste it into a mail, claiming it as your own. It will do wonders for your popularity in the office… 😉

  5. Michael:

    A number one haircut? Do tell.

    Kav:

    Not dumb, just a little slow to catch up. he he 😉


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