Here are the highlights of my weekend:

August 13, 2006 at 9:55 pm | Posted in family, nonsense, random | 10 Comments
  • My sister Lorna and her new boyfriend Noel came over to visit just after my dad went home. I met the new guy, who was shitting himself with fear about meeting her older brother (can’t think why; I’m not exactly scary), and we got drunk together. He is the younger brother of the guy my younger sister Nicola was once engaged to but is now just living with (Martin). Also, Nicola used to go out with Noel before she started seeing Martin. Yeah, it’s complicated. And slightly incestuous. He’s cool though. I liked him – he made an effort, which is more than I can say for Martin, who doesn’t give a fuck and doesn’t try to hide it. Martin, and yes, I’m quoting his exact words, “cannot relax until he’s had a joint in the evening”. Nicola tries to justify this by saying that hash is the only thing that can control Martin’s bad temper, so she doesn’t mind him needing a J to relax. If I was tough, I would love to kick his ass, but (a) I can’t fight, and (b) he and his family are genuinely borderline psychopathic, and would think little of pulverising me.
  • Lorna admitted to me that she had written off her car last month, on the day my son was born. Imagine, I could have gained a son and lost a sister on the same day. Doesn’t bear thinking about. It was her fault, and it wasn’t. Irish people, especially those living in rural areas, are ridiculously liberal in their approach to drink driving. I’ve always taken a zero tolerance approach to drink-driving; if I drink, I don’t drive – not even one beer. However, the view that it’s ok to have 4 or 5 pints and then drive home is completely rife in Ireland, especially in country areas where (a) you have less chance of getting pulled by the cops and (b) you don’t live within walking distance of a pub. The fucked-up thing is, no matter how careful you are, there can always be some other drunken prick coming in the opposite direction. So anyway, Lorna’s had 3 beers (that’s what she told me, meaning she’s probably had 6), driving at 60 on these windy country roads, when she collides head-on with a guy who’s stopped, double-parked on the wrong side of the road, chatting to a guy in another car. Lorna told me she called the cops right away, and (after my initial relief at finding out she was ok) I thought great, at least she did something sensible. But then she said “I called the cops back to cancel their call-out, though, cos the other guy was drunk as well, and he didn’t have any insurance”. WHAT. THE. FUCK. So what does she do? Scraps the car that she’s going to be paying €279 a month for for the next three years….for €300. You may have read in this post that my Dad basically bought her that car (and he’s named as the owner)….so what really takes the cake is that she hasn’t told him about this little incident yet. She’s still working up the guts. Good fucking luck, sister. I mean, I’m glad you’re ok and everything, but this is just one stupid thing after another….I could write a long, emotional post about the grief Lorna has caused the family, but I’ll save it for some other time.
  • Anyway, it wasn’t all heavy. I got a text message from my best mate asking me if this message I mailed him was true. Exact wording of the text was “Is that mail you sent true? I haven’t seen anything about it in the news. Hope your Dad’s alright. Let me know.” I had hoped that people would realise that it was a joke to relieve the stress of the situation. But obviously not. I laughed my ass off at him, then felt bad for making the poor bastard worry. Seriously though; was it not obvious by the last paragraph that it was a parody?
  • Linzi and I argued about sex. It was all a big misunderstanding, based on my misinterpretation of an off-the-cuff blowjob remark she made earlier in the day. Let’s just say I went to bed that evening and John Thomas was brandished, ready for a treat, and Linzi had other ideas, such as sleep. Ridiculous, isn’t it? Doesn’t she know when she makes a glib, throwaway remark that it will be stored in my memory banks as a promise?
  • Linzi and I argued about Jack. She’s his mother, so she knows best. Sometimes I forget that. This evening, I cooked her a candle-lit dinner and then ran her a bath to make amends for it (and the bj thing). I did this with the ulterior motive of getting a blowjob for being nice, but since I’m sitting here typing this instead of having an orgasm, I’ve obviously failed. Still, at least we’re back to normal again. 🙂
  • I got stressed about what to do for Linzi’s birthday. Finances are tight at the moment, and it’s the big three-oh for her in September, so I need to do something good. But what? Any advice or suggestions would be appreciated, people.

That was pretty much me. How was your weekend?

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10 Comments »

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  1. I’m still laughing at the name John Thomas for your willy.

  2. You can call him JT, Debbie. 🙂

  3. Birthday ideas: Send her to London for professional portrait shots 😉 I would do it as a favour to you. But getting to London would likely bankrupt you, right? :-/

    Other ideas include cooking dinner and buying a nice gift.

  4. I’m not calling your weiner “JT”.

    I’m not calling him at all.

    The sex thing was funny, though, ’cause that happens to me constantly. Wifey says something as a joke, my dogs ears immediately go up, and I start thinking (read: obsessing) about all the delicious loveliness to come, only to realize that she was just talking. And people wonder why I have such big arms.

  5. Well, I don’t know Linzi, but it pleases me more than I can say to see my husband playing with our kids. A nice picnic in the park and pushing Erin on the swings? If you make the day lovely, a modest gift so modest. And she knows about the money, too, right?

  6. I meant “a modest gift won’t feel so modest”. My finger hurts and I’m typing one handed and taking too many shortcuts!

  7. I’ll think of something for Linzi. I can say that when we were dating, I used to love when my husband would make cards for me. He would sometimes just make them with computer paper and markers. Sometimes he would get nice paper, crayons and stickers. I thought it was funny & sweet. It made me smile thinking of him taking time to do that. He would always write something nice about when we were dating.

    Anyhoo, I would like to say the add is coming soon. I even gave you a special title. You’ll love it!

  8. michael: Are you serious? That’s very generous of you. Thank you.

    damian: Welcome! Cheers for stopping by. I think it must be a guy thing. I was so sure I was on for a MPJ* the other night.

    jennie: The only worry I’d have there is that that might seem too much like what we do most weekends. I need to make it memorable for her, as her entire family don’t think a 30th birthday is a big deal.

    summer: I’ve done this in the past, but since Linzi went into business making wedding stationery and other personalised cards, it doesn’t seem like such a special gift anymore. Worth bearing in mind though…

    And about my title…je suis tres intrigued. Can’t wait.

    *Milky Pants-Job

  9. Do you really believe that the mother automatically knows best? What was the arguement about?

  10. cindy-lou: I wouldn’t say automatically in all circumstances, but certainly mothers are more instinctive about what babies want or need. The argument was something about feeding him or keeping him awake or some such trivial nonsense. It wasn’t so much an argument as it was a product of short tempers brought about by lack of sleep. Only natural, I guess, given the situation. It’s sorted now though. Until next time!


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