This one time at band camp, I got raped by a dog

August 29, 2006 at 7:57 pm | Posted in nonsense, random | 17 Comments

Steph was talking about sleazy behaviour, and it reminded me of this sleazy bastard of a sausage dog an ex used to have.

This lovable little doggy by the name of Tico stole my innocence with a yelp and a whimper.

She and I (the girl, not the dog) were, for want of a better cliché, getting down to business in her living room, when I felt little Tico the lovable sausage dog sniffing at my ankles. I didn’t really think much of it because he was always climbing up on us while we sat watching tv or whatever. Obviously, the intrusion was not so welcome when I was trying to get my rocks off, but you’ll have that in small towns with fast cars.

I tried my hardest to ignore him, but the little bastard kept rubbing his nose on my leg and panting heavily. I had no choice but to look down and try to push him away…

I looked down just in time to see the little fucker ejaculate doggy-jizz all over my trousers. He had been humping my leg the entire time. He must’ve smelt the pheromones from our semi-sexual activity, and got himself a little bone he needed to bury.

I had to cycle home that night with dog-spunk all over my trousers. Our relationship was doomed to failure after that. It was too embarrassing trying to play it cool in front of the dog. The bastard kept winking at me and giving me a knowing grin any time I called over.

EDIT: Is anyone else getting this bullshit?:

It’s really irritating. Google’s servers ought to be infallible.



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  1. Holy crap, thank you for sharing that. Cracked my junk up.

  2. NICE! I’ve heard of lots of guys complaining about dogs sniffing/licking bare bums. Yours is the first, full on jizz story. I giggled.

  3. maybe that’s why you like it doggy style?

    okay. I’m sorry. that was lame.

  4. howard: Glad to oblige. I have lots of disgusting stories, but can never think of them until someone says something to trigger the memory.

    summer: Welcome back girl! Good to see you survived the brizzake.

    duckie: I thought about this for a few moments, but I’m pretty sure I liked doggy even before then…

    See, even your throwaway comments make me think…

    Microsoft Nerd.

  5. Kav. A dog busted a nut on your leg, and you TOLD people about it? I woulda buried that shit under 16 layers of denial, man. You’re brave.

    Next time, don’t say “Come!” to the dog. He’ll do that shit.

    Time: 2:12am

    Kav (sleepy): “Hello?”
    Caller: “pant pant pant
    Kav: “Who is this?”
    Caller: “pant pant pant
    Kav: “…Tico? Is that you?”
    Caller: “pant pant pant YIP!
    Kav: “Dammit, I TOLD you not to call me anymore! Bugger off!”

  6. Doing the deed once, I had a dog lick my leg…..I thought THAT was bad.

    I really don’t have anything else to say about that.

    Amd yes, blogger has been fucking annoying these past few days…

  7. Ah fuck.

  8. I skipped down to the server error screen shot and got pissed off all over again. I got this intermittantly (see film Clueless for reference) yesterday and a couple of times today.
    Arrrrrgh. (I’m not a pirate like Laurie – just frustrated)

  9. DD: It’s odd, I don’t get that embarrassed about things like that. Some shit that embarrasses me is normal to others. And LMAO about the phone call…I was plagued with dreams like this after that episode…

    jenne lou: Howdy, cheers for popping in. A dog licking your leg during sex eh? God, that is so fucked up, I can’t think of anything more disgusting –

    Oh…wait a second. Yes I can. *shudders at memory of horny hound*

    Debbie: Not quite as insightful as your usual input, but I’ll see your “Ah fuck” and raise you a “shitty bollock-jaws”.

    Jali: Was my dog assault story too much for you? 😉

    I’m glad to see it wasn’t just me having problems then. Must be more of this Beta jazz going on. There’ll prob be a bit more of it before the thing goes live.

    Good night one and all. It’s 14 minutes past midnight and I have to be up at 6am. Bah.

  10. Just to clarify….

    I didn’t let it CONTINUE.

    I told the dude to get rid of the dog, and we, uh…continued.

    I hate “licky” type dogs.

    But I did see a dog boner one time that horrified me. But that is a story for another time.

  11. jenne lou: I’m just messing with ya…I bet it kinda spoiled the mood though, eh? 😉

    You’ve just reminded me of a story a friend told me about two dogs getting stuck together…like you said though, tis a story for another time.

  12. C’mon, you loved it. Admit it. We’re all friends here 😛

  13. My deaf chihuahua licked my ass cheek once.

    It was cold.

    I did not like it.

  14. steph: Never! I admit I kept his phone number long after I broke up with the girl, but that’s as far as it went.

    laurie: At least it was cold. It’s the warmth that I still remember on my leg…

  15. BTW, this story is going on my weekly roundup. Hope you don’t mind the extra links to the blog.

  16. Thank you very much Howard. I’m honoured!

  17. […] I wrote this one before anyone really read my blog. That fucking dog, I swear, if it wasn’t already […]

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