September 12, 2006 at 1:07 pm | Posted in fun at work | 3 Comments

Time to return to a bit of shite-talk.

Myself and the lads here at work have a little game we play called “Moose”. The star of the show is a small furry lad called, surprisingly, Moose. As far as I can tell, he is a moose, or at least, he is a representation of a moose in stuffed-toy format. Fuck knows where he appeared from, but he’s an awful annoying bastard.

See, the object of Moose is to piss your co-workers off. You do this by picking him up and throwing him at whoever happens to be nearby. Hey, I never said it was a clever game; what were you expecting, feckin SuDoku or something?

Ah, SuDoku’s a pain in the arse anyway. And it’s only a one-player game. Moose tends to involve anything from two to nine players at any one time.

Office protocol dictates that this sort of shite must escalate. You get a good laugh for a few weeks just throwing Moose as hard as you can at the back of some bald fucker’s head, but, after a while, like sex after a feed of beer, you know it should be fun but for some reason it’s just not happening for you.

What happens next is you straighten out a few paper clips and impale them in Moose’s torso, and then you fling him at some poor bollix. With any luck it’ll impale him at chest level and he has a right bastard of a time trying to explain what happened to the lad from Health and Safety who has to bandage him up. Of course, the paper clips crack can only be done once, because nobody really wants to lose an eye. We might pretend to love danger, but deep down, we’d rather leave it to the pros. You know, Steve Irwin and that.

So you pull back on the bloodthirst a bit, and reach an unwritten agreement with one another; that is, by playing Moose, you unconditionally agree that you will not use Moose to draw blood or otherwise injure your fellow participants.

You’d think this would work well – everyone having a harmless game of Moose, the worst injuries being mild bruising if you got belted particularly hard by his antlers. You’d be wrong, though. The embargo on violence just led to some clever cunt coming up with the idea of “sauce attacks”.

Our canteen obviously never considered the game “Moose” when they were designing the place. Any sauce, choose your ammunition – ketchup, brown, mustard, mayo, salad cream, tartare – they’re stacked there waiting for you. And they’re all free.

I’m sure you’ve put two and two together at this point. Sauce attacks = Moose in terrorist mode, two or three packets of mayonnaise (slit open) elastic banded to his chest. Even if you throw Moose very gently at someone, their instinct is to grab for him, which, if you’re lucky, means they squirt their fancy Next tie and shirt combo with some creamy goodness. Mmm-mmm. Finger-lickin good.

Except when it’s me. I’ve only got two suits, you cunts. And one of them’s all threadbare and is covered in those bobble-things that old clothes always seem to pick up.

That was me, I’d had enough of Moose. I set a Moose-trap for the fucker this morning. A Moose-trap involves the use of a staple-remover (impaled into his leg) and an elastic band (to hold it in place). I bided my time, and sure enough, the predictable bastards tossed him in my direction as they headed off for their morning coffee. Ignoring wee Moose’s squeals of agony, I gleefully punctured his furry flesh, chuckling as I felt him buck in his death throes against my hand, while I wrapped the elastic band tighter and tighter. I left him on his unofficial owner’s desk* with a little post-it voice-bubble that said “Ouch”, as a warning to show I’m through playing Moose.

It was great fun while it lasted though.

*aka my manager.



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  1. Fuck that moose.


    I would beat someone’s ASS if they threw that at me.

    Not kidding.

  2. I actually kinda like him though. He’s not a bad lad once you get to know him, it’s just that he’s got in with the wrong crowd, and he’s so easily influenced, he’ll do whatever they say.

    They’ve been a terrible influence on him.

  3. Sounds like a fun place to work and I like the Moose-trap.

    I msy hsve to initiate something along these lines here… hmmm.

    Blogger is acting up again – I’m posting as “other”.

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