What next, Gillette?

September 14, 2006 at 8:23 am | Posted in nonsense | 5 Comments

I’ve been thinking about the new Gillette Fusion that hit the shops recently. Five blades. Imagine the time you’ll save.

Here’s a brief history of Gillette razors:

1901: First safety razor invented.
1971: Twin blade razor, Trac II.
1998: Razor with three blades, Mach 3.
2006: Marketing called for even more blades. Fusion, world’s first 5-blade razor.

Using complex mathematics, I found that it took 70 years to develop the twin blade, and another 27 years to develop the triple blade. However, it only took 8 years to create a 5-blade razor. Based on this flawless assessment, I’ve confirmed that in approximately three years, Gillette are going to release a 9-blade razor, and the year after that, will obliterate all the competition by producing the world’s first 23-blade razor.

You know what the ad will be like.

*Handsome, stubble-less fucker with chiselled jaw admiring himself in mirror. Sexy bitch in her knickers cavorting in the background*

Gravelly masculine baritone voiceover:

“Gentlemen, introducing a revolution in shaving technology! Gillette proudly presents the world’s first twenty-three blade shaving system with in-built V8 foam injection mechanism!

For the closest wet shave ever, it must be Gillette Mach-23. Observe our patented 23-blade technology at work!”

*cut to computer graphics of this huge razor gliding across a stubbly face as gravelly voiceover resumes*

“The first 8 blades cut most of the hair away, leaving the next 8 free to trim any stray fuckers that happen to be missed! The final 7 blades get close and cut right beneath your fucking skin, slicing the hair at the follicular level! Once you shave with this razor, you don’t need to shave again for a month.”

*Cut back to handsome bastard almost finished shaving, hot lady draped over his shoulders, caressing his smooth cheek. Handsome bastard nods downwards and hot lady drops to her knees and starts sucking him off.*

Voiceover resumes as camera cuts to man’s face contorting with pleasure as he watches woman’s head bobbing up and down on his lad:

“Gentlemen, be the best! Gillette Mach-23 by Gillette. Gillette. The best a man can get.”

Passionate singing: “Gillette! The best a man can get!”

Fade out.

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5 Comments »

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  1. You’re late, it’s already been shown that at the current rate of development we will soon have infinity blade shavers. I predict a resugence of the single, unsafe, cut-throat razor.

    Today’s word verification: vrdxwki

  2. What of the female equivalent? Sexy ladies hanging out together on a tropical isle, each holding sparkly razors with heads as big as their own.

    “Ah,m your Venus, ah’m your fire, your legs are dire!”

  3. LOL…..One question tho….

    HOw did you type all that with one hand!?!…

    today wf : sqngc

  4. HIlarious dude!

    I should say, hilarious as always. Really great observation – especially if read with an Irish/Scottish accent.

    Hopefully I’ll pass the next word verification exam…

  5. michael: I’ve never had a shave with a cut-throat razor. I’d love to try it.

    tsl: moohoohahahahahaha!

    drm2b: Ahem. My methods are my own. I can’t divulge.

    jali: Thankee very much!


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