Gullible little bastard

October 19, 2006 at 12:35 pm | Posted in fun at work, nonsense, tales of youth | 16 Comments

Fat Sparrow wrote an excellent post about ripping the piss out of her child, and it got me thinking to some of the stuff I used to believe as a young lad:

  1. A school chum convinced me he had a steel arm, just like Lindsay Wagner, the Bionic Woman.
  2. One lad led me to believe that he was a superintelligent being from space, and that trucks could drive over him without harming him.
  3. A knacker who lived across the road told me that when you see sunbeams filtering through clouds, that was a soul going up to heaven.
  4. Do you remember 40/40? It’s like hide and seek except the game isn’t over when you find the person – once you catch someone you have to run back to “base” and shout “Forty forty home!” if you’re the hider, or “Forty forty I see Martin!” if you’re the seeker. Anyway, there were usually about 10-12 of us playing this game, and one day, I was the seeker, so I counted to 40, then spent the next half hour looking for everyone. Turned out that they had all just fucked off up to another estate and left me hunting around gardens and such on my own. What a gullible mong.
  5. One of the schoolyard things that used to go around was “If your hand is bigger than your face, you have cancer.” When you put your hand up to your face to check, someone would punch your hand and your nose would bleed, but not break. Good times. I fell for this a lot.
  6. Not so much something I used to believe, as something I didn’t get: when Freddie Mercury first made AIDS fashionable, the kids used to say “Do you have AIDS?”. You would respond “No” to this, at which point they would say “Are you positive?”, to which (you guessed it) you would respond “Yeah”. You would then be called a HIV-infected cunt and laughed at a lot. I didn’t get this until I was about 15.
  7. Back when nobody knew what a vagina looked like, you would place your palms together, and a friend would do the same. You would then place your held-together hands at right angles to each other, and interlock your hands between index and middle fingers. Once your hands were joined like this, one of you spread your palms and looked inside, and this, apparently, is what a vagina looked like. I still believed this until last year, when I lost my virginity.

What about you? Tell me some shite you used to believe.

In other news, I have a tough exam* coming up in December, and I will need to dedicate a fair amount of my time to it over the coming weeks. You might notice a dropoff in the level of my posts and comments, but rest assured I haven’t forgotten you. I just think you’re a cunt and never want to speak to you again.

I’ll be around, just not as much.

*if I pass it, I get a very nice qualification that will help me get more money, and money is great.

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16 Comments »

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  1. Kav, you gullible tard! Hey, do you want to buy some oregano, er, I mean pot?

    You do make me laugh. I read through your archives the other night (funny, funny stuff!) and I loved your post on crapping yourself. I haven’t laughed that hard in I don’t know when. I mean, serious laughing, hooting uncontrollably, crying, thinking “God, will I make it to the bathroom before I piss myself?” kind of mirth. The kind where I was afraid I was going to wake up the sleeping household.

    And what’s this about you skiving off? First Kieran, now you? No one will be around to talk to me, dammit! That’s it; when I win the Lottery, I am setting you up in style, so that you can keep me entertained. This work thing should not be taking you away from your blogging career.

  2. Christ that brings back so many memories. My list is pretty much identical to yours.

    Except one: When I was a child my brother told me that cresche is where parents leave children they don’t want anymore and if you’re not collected by 6pm they put you down.

    Oh He also told me I was adopted; that my parent found me in a bin and my name was originally Rupert Bumfluff. Genius.

  3. I used to believe that a certain pair of sneakers would allow me to hover, if not fly outright. I overlooked the fact that (a) I was an overweight, likes-to-eat-everything kid whou couldn’t fly if he had wings, and (b) the laws of physics wouldn’t permit it.

  4. I’m sorry. I’ll think of something soon.
    I can’t get over the idea that you left Galway for MOTHERWELL?
    Jesus, if that don’t beat all.

  5. I believed if you only ate on one side of your mouth, only that side would grow.

    That and if you need some ridiculous hand jive and said, “I must, I must, I must increase my bust” – you’d grow boobies.

    Meh.

  6. Good luck with your ecker for the exams…
    As for gullible… I used to believe my father was dead… the things we make ourselves believe are far worse than the jokes others play on us!

  7. who wants a rimming.

  8. The only black people I ever saw were on TV or at my mom’s work. And until Different Strokes, they were always adults. So I thought everyone was born white and then some people became black.

  9. good luck on the exam….. =)

  10. All my games included being hit with various hard objects and trying not to flinch. If you moved you’d be hit even harder till you cried or begged for mercy.
    Vicious fuckers.

    Good luck with your exams. You’ll be missed in the blogosphere.

  11. I’m still trying to do the hand-fashioned-vagina thing.

  12. fat sparrow: I prefer the word “trusting”. Don’t worry, I’ve become bitter as I’ve aged, and don’t believe anybody at all these days. Cheers, glad you liked my shite stories. There are alot of people reading my archives recently – it’s good to hear a comment about it, cos most don’t bother their holes.

    I’m not happy about having to give up this…hobby, is that what you’d call it? but needs must.
    If you won the lottery I’d happily whore myself for your entertainment. I’ll probably win first though.

    niolk: I love it. I don’t have any brothers, so I had to say all that sort of shit to my sisters instead, but you can’t have the same crack. My favourite thing used to be leaving a suicide note from my sister’s doll and then dangling her by a rope from the bedroom window with a steak knife embedded in her head – she’d be in the kitchen below washing the dishes or something, and I’d howl with laughter as she screamed at me.

    dd: There was an old BBC film called “Sammy’s Super T-shirt”, about a t-shirt which imbued similar powers on an unsuspecting youth called Samuel. I used to wish I had that t-shirt.

    dr. m: Welcome, thanks for stopping by, and cheers for the link. Yes, Galway for Motherwell. Motherwell’s ugly, but at least we can afford to live here. We just could not get a start in Galway when we were paying €700 a month in rent, €300 a month on car and insurance, along with all the other expenses which are ridiculously high in Ireland. It was either emigrate or never move forward. I do hope to move back some day, when the Celtic Tiger has been well and truly flogged to death.

    HDW: I’m laughing my ass off at “ridiculous hand jive”… excellent.

    conan: Please expand on this conundrum. Wait a second…conundrum…Conan Drumm…you have the coolest name in the entire world*.

    belinda: I don’t know where that filthy mouth has been.

    ann: Classic. I didn’t know any black people until I was about 19. Since then, it’s mad. Ireland’s black population has gone from <1% black to around the 50/50** mark in a few short years. I love it.

    drm: It’s been six years since I’ve been in any type of exam situation, and frankly I am shitting myself. So thanks for the support.

    steph: I must must must write a post about nodgers and sound billies. You will love it. And thanks – I’ll do my best to be around.

    TSL: You know you need two people, right? Use TSG’s hands as well.

    * I figured this out about a week ago – I’m slow like that. I’ve been meaning to ask you about it.

    **poetic licence/hyperbole employed to full effect here.

  13. I used to think that if I brushed my hair when it was wet it would fall out. And that Santa Claus was having an affair with the Tooth Fairy. I think my grandmother was joking one day and I was too young to get it. I was deeply sad for Mrs. Claus.

  14. I fell for the cancer-hand thing too, many many a time. Having no brothers and sisters to innoculate me against shit like that, I was open prey in the school yard. The memories are too painful to relay.

    A few years ago though, I was travelling in Europe and was going up one of the mofo mountains in Switzerland with a group of other travellers. I was sitting next to an 24 year old bimbotic Californian named Jessica! (you could just hear the explamation point in her name) and as we were getting close to the top she asked her boyfriend what the fences sticking out of the mountain were. They were obviously there to catch snow and stop avalanches, but he told her that they were patented swiss Cow Catchers. As there are a lot of cows in Switzerland, standing around on mountains, the government was worried that if one of them fell over and started rolling down the mountain, that it could cause a lot of damage by the time it got to the bottom (velocity and all). She thought about that for a second and decided this was a good idea, but then asked what happened to the cows that got caught in the Cow Catchers? Who would save them? Boyfriend told her not to worry, that there were sensors in all of the Cow Catchers that would detect when a cow had fallen in, and this data would be transferred to central Cow Catching headquarters in Geneva, who would then dispatch a recue squad. This pleased Jessica! and I’m sure she went back to California praising the animal-welfare conscious Swiss all she could.

  15. Re the name (and ‘what’s in a name’ quotations aside) I asked my pal Annette Curtin and she said how’s about Pete Moss?, but I didn’t like the sound of that. Then an old school mate Art (Ui Craftaigh) suggested something double barrelled, but Mick Shorten-Curley was already taken, and there aint a better double-barreller than that… so I was left a conundrum to meself… wait a minute… eureka! … even if it’s not original.

    will think up a few questions for you any minute soon…

  16. Debbie: Excellent. I often wonder how I’m going to screw up my kids. Maybe it will be for this sort of thing.

    marika: That is a great story, one which, with your permission, I will one day incorporate into a work of fiction. I can’t guarantee royalties I’m afraid. 🙂

    conan: Good man. Question answered BTW.


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