While other bloggers are putting the world to rights…

October 25, 2006 at 7:25 pm | Posted in nonsense | 24 Comments

…here’s a post about umbrellas. Quite the dashing figure I cut, sporting a bright red girlie umbrella, eh? Jesus Christ.

Until recently, I’ve been strictly anti-umbrella, on the grounds that they are gay. I’ve changed my attitude of late after getting fucking saturated a couple of times on my way to work. Being damp and miserable for a ten-hour stretch tends to focus the mind, and led me to swallow the last of my ragged pride and say fuck it, umbrella time. I picked up a shitey old umbrella lying around the house – fuck knows where it came from. Linzi swears it isn’t hers, and there’s no feckin way it’s mine. Honest.

I don’t know if it’s a man’s umbrella or a woman’s. I do know that to call this umbrella gay would be an insult to gays everywhere.

I’ve already used it twice this week, and a grand job it’s done of keeping me dry.

Christ, and I wonder why I don’t get eyed up anymore.

What do you say, blogging types? Umbrellas: Yay or Gay? Can a man ever get away with an umbrella?



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  1. I think guys can get away with umbrellas. If you were walking around with a pink umbrella, well then you would be flying a flag of gayness. Red is just fine, to me.

  2. WTF? I would have through umbrellas have all the basic characteristics to appeal to the red-blooded male – they’re essentially a small piece of machinery that you can carry around with you, which is never a bad thing, they often break, giving you frequent opportunity to prove your masculinity by fixing it (me man, good with tools, urg urg urg etc), they make a version specifically for golf which is generally a blokes’ game and they’re a fabulous weapon of mischief when pissed (really, you can have a lot of fun with a golf umbrella and some hamburger buns).

    Not to imply that gay people in any way diminish their gay-ness by carrying a brollie either, but definitely yay.

    Just not a girly pink one with a handle.

  3. Swinging in the rain, eh? It’s camp as Mosney, Kav!

  4. summer/marika: I’m shocked. I even camped up the pictures because I was sure you’d slate me…I’ll never fathom you women out.

    conan: LMAO, Mosney…like Butlins for Ireland. Great craic.

  5. Totally gay. You’re giving me the gay just looking at you.

  6. man with umbrella is much better than wet nasty man

  7. whatever Mary Poppins

  8. The only valid umbrella is a black one thats really a gun or shoots out poison darts.As a gay icon I know gay and that umbrella is gay, you are to be mocked in all your smug dryness.

  9. What, are you made of sugar? You’re going to melt if you get wet, Kav?

    You’re so gay.

    Not really, but that was fun to write.

  10. I’m still standing by that umbrellas for men are ok. I must say, I prefer black but, red is acceptable.

    The second pic, your POSE is gay. Now that, I could have done without.

    I thought you weren’t supposed to open umbrellas indoors?

  11. TSL: I’m inclined to agree.

    natalie: That sounds like a Confucius comment. Though I would amend it to “man with umbrella is much gayer than wet nasty man”.

    duckie: Thank God, I thought you were dead. Bitch.

    old knudsen: Does it count that I’ve whittled the tip of mine to a fine point that I drive into people’s feet as I prance down the road?

    cindy-lou: I’m just worried that my fake tan will wash off.

    summer: Thank you for the support. I think at the very least, if I must use an umbrella, it’s going to have to be black and double as a weapon, as knudsen pointed out. I can’t be trifling with these red numbers. They don’t suit my complexion.

    The pose? Imagine, that was only one take. I was surprised how easy doing a gay pose came to me.

    Oh, and I forgot about opening umbrellas indoors until it was too late. I’ll probably be killed today for my indiscretion.

  12. Like the gay blade but pointy, very good.

  13. Unless it’s one of those machine gun/helicopter yokes The Penguin has umbrellas are gayer than David Norris’ Christmas tree.In fact they are almost as gay as that pose you struck and yes,I am very aware of the irony of such a statement coming from me.It’s just that there are some things that are just too gay.Is there something you’d like to share with us sweetie?

  14. Oh, excellent, arse shots!

    You’re married; it’s all downhill after that. Doesn’t matter if you look gay or not. Why has no other married person pointed this out yet?

    You need one of those “techie” umbrellas that has the thingies on it to prevent breakage from wind, and a built-in flashlight, etc. That way, if any guy slags you off, you have one up on them by being techier-than-thou. That will totally trump their slagging off, and then you can feel all manly. It’s a penis thing, you know; who has the bigger umbrella. If you play it right, you can start a new trend in your office.

  15. Wait a minute, hold-on-a-sec… you put the camera on self-timer mode..? in a bedroom..? and just look at those pillow/cushion thingamys on the bed! My-oh-my, it’s all just sooooooo GAY! Kav, if there was a valance on that bed you’d be certifiably bent as a hairpin!

  16. Yey, of course.

    But men should only be allowed to forsake umbrellas if they are prepared to wear flimsy white clothing in a downpour.


  17. By sheer coincidence I have also written about umbrellas. Here’s the rule: everyone is banned from having umbrellas except for me. Sorry, but rules are rules.

  18. I enjoy a good bumbershoot now and again, just for the sheer glee I receive from having the opportunity to use the word “bumbershoot”.

    Pardon me, but would you mind holding my bumbershoot for a moment?

    Oh me! My bumbershoot seems to be awfully damp.

    I’m just going to stand here and shake my bumbershoot for a bit…


  19. As a gay man, I can say that while your umbrella is cute, I would never date it.

  20. old knudsen: I’m going to steal that.

    devin: The only thing I’m sharing is my deep discomfort at how comfortable holding a red umbrella makes me feel.

    FS: Yes, I definitely need a better one. If I’m gonna cave and buy an umbrella, it may as well have gadgets.

    conan: There’s a valance on the other end of it…*twilight zone music*

    boudica of suburbia: You’re very welcome. Flimsy white clothing like a Backstreet Boys video, perchance? That’s no problem – I almost always dress all in white.

    kieran: I’m delighted to see you back. Good man. Everyone go and visit kieran, he’s sound as a.

    plimco: Bumbershoot? Is that a species of veg? Because vegetables are seriously frowned upon in this blog.

    howard: I knew it. I’m giving up.

  21. No, cunt. A bumbershoot is a snazzy word for an umbrella. Jayzus. All the cool kids are using it…


  22. Oh I see…

    Truly, my cuntishness knows no bounds.

    I reckon I might get kicked to death if I used that word walking through Glasgow though.

  23. Only one way of finding out. You are to wear a flimsy white shirt. And to take pictures.

  24. Done and done.

    I’ll upload them later. Thank God you didn’t ask me to dampen the shirt.

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