November 1, 2006 at 6:09 pm | Posted in nonsense | 29 Comments
How unfortunate

I found a diary on the way home this evening. Well, diary’s probably too grand a title. It’s more of a notebook containing a variety of personal shite.

The girl’s address is on the inside.

So…do I read it? Or just return it to its rightful owner?

Update: It was shite.

Despite what you may think, I genuinely did not look at the notebook until after I had posted the above entry. Of course, I always intended to look at the book, and I feel no guilt in doing so. Listen:

The diary consists of only two entries, the first having been written shortly after her man was arrested for various offences. She doesn’t elaborate on what the offences are, but her terrible grammar, spelling and general lack of comprehension of basic sentence structure indicate that she is indeed as stupid as a pigeon. This is confirmed when, upon further scrutiny, you find that she’s standing by this useless piece of shit because even though he’s been bad to her and the kids in the past, she knows they can work it out.

How fucking thick are some people? Delusional, self-destructive bint.

The second entry seems to have been written on the eve of the scumbag’s release from Barlinnie Prison. Unlike her other entry, this time her prose flows beautifully, and her heartfelt yearning to see her devoted lover is evoked with tenderness and care, each word seeming to bring new meaning and depth to the love she and Jimmy share*.

Okay, not really. It’s the same fuckin shite as the last time. Pure unadulterated cack about how she knows he’s going to change, and she hopes that when he comes out he will come to visit her and the kids, because that’s the first thing she’d want to do if she were getting out of jail.

There is no mention of remorse, or of the fact that Jimmy might not be the best role model for the childers. This guy has fucked her a few times, she’s got two kids out of it, and beyond that, they have no relationship. She’s got two kids to support, and she genuinely expects that he is going to come out of prison and be a model dad to the poor unfortunate children, and the perfect partner to her. Christ on a bike.

And what age is she anyway? She’s got two kids, one of whom can talk, so she must be at least what, 18? And yet her notebook is full of “Maggie loves Jimmy” sketches and other such adolescent bollocks.

My first reaction was pure contempt at her stupidity, but this was replaced by sadness and pity as I realised that this girl has probably never had anyone to give her perspective on her life – she’s never going to realise that there are possibilities she could take advantage of. She’s going to plod through life getting fucked over at every opportunity, and because she’s not that bright, she will never learn from her mistakes. She’ll pass on her own fuckedupness to her children, and the cycle will repeat all over again…

Christ. It’s too depressing for words.

I’m not even going to return the book because I would probably be stabbed. What the general public sees as a good deed, this type of person interprets as an invasion of their privacy, and they generally respond the only way they know how: with fist or blade. This might sound funny to you, but I am not joking.

*Maggie and Jimmy are, of course, pseudonyms. I don’t want to be chibbed, even though they’re probably too fucking stupid to know what a computer is, never mind look up a search engine. Can never be too careful though.



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  1. Scan and upload.

    Or you could actually return it.. but that would make you 1 in a million. Perhaps 1 in 60 million!

  2. I’d read it and then return it.

  3. I had this problem once,I did as debbie suggested,it was boring as hell and not clearly set out, not sure if I sent it to the right address.

  4. Maybe she lost it on purpose. I once sent a letter to a love interest that moved to Montana. I looked him up in the white pages online and sent a letter. The address belonged to another man of the same name. He sent me a letter back in the self addressed stamped envelope I proved telling me I needed Jesus.

  5. I’d read it. If it’s dull, the worst that happens is you stop reading. Send it back when you’re done.

  6. if theres any choice bits, stick em up here (names omitted) other than that, give the poor girl her little book back. I’d be heartbroken if I lost my sketchbook.

  7. Publish it on the net! Complete with highlighted bits where she has written any kind of poetry or had a threesome .

  8. yes, scan and upload!

  9. Read, annotate with post-its, return in person, log everything and report back here in detail.

  10. Make the call, and tell her for every pound of reward money you’ll read one page less.

  11. Return it, you cunt.

    Yeah, I went there.

  12. Why are you asking? You know you are going to read it. You should return it (without edits), but you are goign to read it.

  13. GOD!

    Um…read it.

    Then say you didn’t.

    OR…give it back, unread, and kick yourself in the NARDS for the rest of your life for NOT reading it.


    Ok…don’t read it.

    That’s just rude.



    As you can tell, don’t ask me. I’m like fucking Sybil up in this bitch.

  14. Maybe it was left out on purpose? Maybe she WANTS someone to read it, and feel her pain?

    I can’t believe you’ve even asked that question. Get thee to a reading place!

  15. I found a wallet in Edinburgh years ago and took it(and all it contents) to the Po-lis.It caused a sensation among the locals and it even made the papers;
    “Lost Wallet Turned In Shocker”
    So there is a precedent for an Irish person in Scotland to do the decent thing.
    Send it back unread.You know you want to.
    P.S. Turkey Vs Jet pics are up

  16. It could be a test from God.

    Hahahaha, only messing with you lad.

  17. It’s a redundant question – you’ve already read it, or enough of it to make the decision as to whether you going to read the whole thing or it’s too boring to deal with.

    You just feel guilty for having read through it and wonder if everyone else would have done the same.

  18. Send it back, unread. Most people who write are shite. You’ll wish you had those 5 minutes of your life back.

  19. Kav, get a red biro and correct it. Then write: Good effort, Maggie. Don’t worry about punctuation, dear. Nobody cares about that anymore. Now, describe kissing Jimmy outside prison in 160 characters or less. You know what a ‘character’ is, dear, don’t you?

  20. I’d give it back, but charge her $20 for the time you wasted reading it.


  21. I just wanted to let you know that “Christ on a bike” is now in my novel. As is Christ on a cracker. Christ on a train and, one of my all time favorites, Christ on a band aid. Or… urm.. Plaster?

  22. fat sparrow called it!!

    eh, shes probly filled up another just like it by now, after he got out of jail and beat her.

  23. No, it doesn’t sound funny to me. I know and have had to work with all too many of those kinds of people.

    You probably would get suspicion from her, and then once she realized that you’re a nice person, she’d hit you up for money, car rides, help for her kids, or whatever. It’s impossible to feel sorry for those people, because even when they do have chances to better themselves, and they actually realize it, they never, ever fucking take them. They like being chav scum, and think that the world owes them a living. Any help you give them they will only resent, and look down on you condescendingly for, for being such a mark.

    Why yes, I am feeling a bit bitter today. Why do you ask?

  24. I’ma kill u, Kunt. U is so deadz and shit.

  25. I love finding stuff like that. Shopping lists too. Pages of A4. Love it all. I’m a magpie at heart really.

  26. I’d watch out, Kav. That Jimmy there sounds like a mean one.

  27. Id return it but not before adding a few entries of my own about Jimmy turning gay in the slammer and actually turning out to be her half brother. Go Jerry!!!

  28. Okay, this is a long story, but it goes under the heading “How Stupid Can a Woman Be?”

    A co-worker, let’s call her Bunny, fell madly in love with a fella she met in a bar. While a work she brags about the fella and what a great guy he is. A few weeks pass and they see each other everyday and she is blissfully in love. So one day she announces at work that they are getting married! She brings him in the office to introduce him to all her co-workers (he looks like the dregs of humanity), but love is blind and she beams with joy.

    She announces that he is a family oriented fellow and he wants all his family at the wedding so he decided she should move back South with him. She is also from the South so it would be more convenient for her family if the wedding was back home (Tennessee, Georgia, Mississippi — I don’t remember what state).

    So he works out in the field (construction), and she works in a law office so it easier for Bunny to arrange for a rented truck to move all her worldly belongings.

    We give her a farewell/wedding shower luncheon at work! She is off to her new life with her beloved!

    One week later she calls the office in tears, they had stopped to have a meal on the road, and her beloved said he forgot something in the truck (which was also towing her car), and he was going to get it and be right back. So she was sitting at the table finishing her meal, time passed and she started to worry — so see paid the bill and walked out to the parking lot and the truck was gone, along with her car, and all her worldly belongings. He did leave her her purse and wallet, but not before he charged her credit cards to the max with all the moving expenses.

    I think what bothered me the most is that she called our office and confessed what had happened. I would have crawled back to Mama’s house confessed to her, and never say another word about it.

    So what is the moral of this tale of woe?

    Women are dumb, men are assholes, and never pack all your shit in a truck and give a guy the keys.

  29. That is a fucked up story. Lord Jaysis almighty.

    You are a bunch of lunatics, the lot of ye. I love you all.

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