You sound like a cunt when you say…

November 2, 2006 at 4:06 pm | Posted in fun at work, moans, nonsense | 32 Comments

These are all things I have heard in conversations over the last two days at work.

irregardless: Regardless of whether or not it’s a stupid, made-up word, and irrespective of how clever you’re trying to sound, you’re still just a pretentious goatfucker.


a pigment of my imagination: How could you say this and not expect me to laugh at you? You stupid cunt.


“Pacific” when you mean “specific”: Unless you’re afflicted with an unfortunate speech impediment (in which case I apologise), don’t ever say “Pacific” when you mean to say “specific”, as happened to me today in t’office:

“I’m sorry Kav, could you be more Pacific?”

“Sure, no hassle” I replied, as I donned a pair of shorts and sunglasses and hopped on a surfboard. “Whoa, dude, check out these waves. Gnarly.” I cried, balancing deftly on the edge of my desk.

Feel free to add your own hated words/phrases.

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32 Comments »

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  1. I HATE SUPPOSEBLY.

    There are more, but that is all I can think of at the moment.

  2. I hate pretty much anything that comes out of my brother’s mouth. He talks like this, and it’s like nails on a chalkboard.

    I’m giggling at the goatfucker part, though. Nice.

  3. I know I already roared about this one at Binty’s gaff, but ‘Do you see the disconnect?’ or ‘there was a big disconnect’ actually makes me want to take off my high heels and ram them trough the eye sockets of the person who said it.
    I CAN disconnect something, but I can’t bloody see it! It’s a bloody VERB.
    I really don’t like it when people say ‘I could care less’ either because it is the TOTAL opposite of what they actually are trying to say.

  4. Please stop…. pleeeeese Kav, take down this post, it’s giving me flashbacks to correcting a bunch of post-grad (honest!) essays in which one candidate (not the worst) wrote “in depth” for “in debt”…

    If the spellchecker don’t spot it they’re fucked. And as for their grammar, syntax and punctuation…. no, no, please take down this post, it’s all coming back…

  5. “for all intensive purposes”

    sigh.

  6. I’m still trying to figure out how you ended up working with the Fledgling Sparrow, Kav. This is exactly how she speaks.

    One time the Spouse Sparrow and I were having a conversation, and I happened to use the word “livid.” She overheard, and “corrected” me with “I think you mean ‘vivid’.” I corrected her with “I think you need to read a dictionary.”

    Imagine George W. Bush’s intellect (or lack of) and vocabulary (or lack of) in the body of a 15-year-old girl. That is what I live with everyday.

    I can’t believe that child is mine. I am convinced she was swapped with a changeling right after birth.

  7. “Oh come on yous guys that’s a appropriate way to aks for sumpthink.”

    “Innit.” This one really makes my skin crawl. When used in place of ‘isn’t it?’ I could almost understand, but when it’s just planted at the end of every sentence I could explode.

  8. Oooh! Pet hate – people who write or say “Ok that’s a mute point.” when they mean ‘moot point’. Moron fuckwits.

  9. I would ‘of’ gone there but I could ‘of’ gone earlier I’d wanted.
    HAVE! HAVE DAMMIT!

  10. This is only half-related, but you know that old “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley” thing from Airplane? There’s a Cork version I love.

    “C’mere timme.”
    “I’m right beside you, you cunt. And stop calling me Timmy.”

    Er… expressions I hate… er… today’s Galway Advertiser editorial had Declan Varley saying that if someone was still alive today, he’d turn in his grave.

    I don’t even think the twat was messing.

    I’m surrounded by idiots.

  11. I’m sick of being everyone’s Escape Goat.

  12. you see mine doesn’t make sense to anyone who hasn’t worked in an O’Neills.

    The training lady called Colcannon, Con-cannon.

    See, crap.

    Actually I did have a friend who used to dot her sentences with the word “and” but pronounced an-e-de. Every other word. We don’t speak any more.

    See, crap again!

  13. My co-worker said someone was being very dramatical. Yup. I know.

  14. OK. I thought of more.

    A coworker once said “Defacation of character”.

    and

    “I seen”

    or “Them are” as in “Them are nice”

  15. I like Pacific Kav. Sounds like he’d fit right in here.

  16. On one of my previous extremely witty posts (back when I was funny) I had a guy that said, “so it is” or “so it does” at the end of every sentence.
    I hate the useless use of “apparently” and “basically” when someone is about to tell you something and I hate it when weemen say, “no” just before they slap you and call you a dirty old man.

  17. “I could care less”

    Well. If you could fucking care less, then care less.

    If on the other hand, you COULDN’T care less, then that’s the state to be in.

    Arrgh. My wife sometimes leaves the room when I’m watching TV and these expressions come on. Because they drive me demented.

    Oh Oh… and Racialist. Instad of fucking Racist.

    Thank fuck it’s Friday today.

  18. My pet hates are when girls call each other “hun” or “chicken” or worse yet “chicks”. You’ll generally hear it in conversations about fake tan or cocktails. Vom

  19. My friend’s boyfriend wrote his geology thesis about the interior of Iceland being a “frozen dessert”.

    Also, “would of” instead of “would have”, urrfgh.

    And, bizarrely, I once heard a devout christian being asked what they thought of homosexuality and they replied that “God is rolling in his grave”.

  20. That reminds me, Annie. I once submitted a short story into a fun forum competition, only to be judged by the greatest knob of a sixteen year old cheerleader that ever walked the earth. “I think you’ll find it’s would of, not would have.” Things like that. There’s no hope for the future.

    Also, my local caf has a selection of deserts on the menus. Your friend’s boyfriend probably wrote them.

  21. I’ve reported on this elsewhere, but my husband says “bee hive” instead of “Bee line.” Divorce may have to follow.

    I also agree, “Could care less” sends me into fits.

  22. Lots of good wans in here, well done to you all. You’ve given me lots more things to get annoyed about.

    fat and deborah, welcome to you both. Your profiles come back blank, so I can’t get to your blags. What’s that story there?

    Oh and boudica, I get that. She’s on my list.

  23. Do these count??

    My mom has the midwest, western Kansas dialect and says “Warsh” instead of “Wash” and “Wrastle” instead of “Wrestle”.

    Drives me nuts.

  24. Oops – that should read ‘eastern Kansas’ … but whatever. As if it matters. She still sounds stupid when she speaks.

  25. Fat is bloody well me, FMC, I don’t know why it keeps doing that. And where is my cuppa?
    Fatmammycat.

  26. He was in Vietnam and he says:
    “scrapnel” instead of “shrapnel”

    He bought three houses and he still says:
    “partial” instead of “parcel”

    She said she could eat squid, but she did like eating:
    “testicles” instead of “tentacles”

    Oh yeah, the worst is:
    “Oldtimers disease” instead of “Alzheimer’s disease”

    Goin’ crazy listening to people talk!!!!!

  27. HDW, they’ll do nicely.

    FMC, the kettle’s on, hold yer horses. Ah feck it, it’s too late for tea now. Will a buidéal of wine do?

    az, welcome to you. Do I know you under another name perchance?

  28. An old boss of mine used to fuck up the English language on a daily basis. We kept a LEGAL pad full of his stupid shit.

    Some favorites:

    “That girl would be so pretty if she didn’t have all of that ACME on her face.”

    “I like that imaginary horse….with the horn…you know, the CAPRICORN”

    and my personal fave:

    “I don’t like hot tubs. I’m afraid I’ll get too close to the drain and it will suck my INTESTICLES out.”

    No.

    Lie.

  29. This is my first visit to your blog, I was reading “Old Knudsen” and followed you home from there.

  30. Laurie: I’d love to see that notebook. There’d be some great writing material in there.

    az: Well, you’re very welcome. Do come back.

  31. “Going forward” pisses me off, going forward. So does “decimated” for “devastated”. “Within certain parameters” gives me a real pain in the fundament. Also – sorry Laurie – “on a daily / weekly / yearly basis” instead of daily, weekly or yearly.

  32. Have just stumbled in here; you *are* truly my people. Husband rolls his eyes when I rant about such idiocy as described here, and I thought I was alone. Here are my most hated, in order of ascending atrocity (with apologies re:those already listed):

    5. ‘could of’ for ‘could have’
    4. ‘pacific’ for ‘specific’
    3. (Invariably English) newsreaders who say ‘athalete’ instead of ‘athlete’ – where does the bloody ‘a’ come from, eh? Eh?
    2. Using ‘less’ when it should be ‘fewer’
    1. ‘an historic’ instead of ‘a historic’. You don’t say ‘My dad’s an history teacher’ or ‘The defendant had an history of violence’.

    Ahh…feel better now. Moff for a beer. Thank you.


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