Love is…

November 9, 2006 at 12:26 pm | Posted in family | 24 Comments

If you’ve just had lunch, don’t read this. If you didn’t already think I was minging, this one ought to change your mind.

Below is a transcript of an email Linzi sent me this morning. Before you read it, allow me to qualify a couple of things. (1) I had a nosebleed in the shower this morning, hence the “phlegm”, and (b) the plughole is blocked up with long hair that doesn’t belong to me, so it’s her fault the thing didn’t drain away in the first place.

She writes (with abundant sarcasm):

My dear lovely husband,

Just went to have a shower, with my nice towels, good shower gel looked out, and 10 mins peace from our monsters, and had to clean up a load of red bloody phlegm and gunk from the bath before I could even think about getting in. THIS IS DISGUSTING and a horrible experience before 8 in the morning. I don’t mind cleaning general gunk from the bathroom, (which I do every second day…) but cleaning up someone else’s dirty rotten phlegm from a place that phlegm should never be anyway is HORRID. If you want to phlegm, do it into the toilet bowl. If I find this in the bath again I will carefully lift it out and cook it in your dinner that evening.

I love you though x

No, I didn’t realise phlegm was a verb either. If I want to phlegm, indeed.

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24 Comments »

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  1. You phlegmatist, you! You nasal diarrhoeatist, you! And what the missus actually wrote was…?

  2. That is just gross. Although you did warn me.

  3. You’re a bad cunt, Kav. Expect to join Kevin Federline for a pint any day now.

    Nosebleeds, I ask you. Feckin’ cokehead.

  4. OK, that was gross but….

    She verbed phlegm. That’s kinda neat.

    Cooking your mess was very creative. She gets bonus points for that one!

  5. How could you walk away from the shower without cleaning up your mess?

    Your lucky I don’t piss all over this post!

  6. conan: She was less than impressed, let me tell you. And with good reason.

    debbie: I knew you’d keep reading anyway…sorry about that. It was too good not to keep a record of it.

    Sweary: I’ve had them probably once a week since I was about 13…when you work out those stats, getting in trouble for leaving crap all over the bath ONE TIME doesn’t seem so bad.

    summer: Yeah, for me that was the funniest part of the email. Gag.

    cindy-lou: The honest answer is, I was late for work, and didn’t have time to wait around for the water to drain away. I know, I know, that’s no excuse. Feel free to piss all over this post. It’s already disgusting.

  7. At least she has a sense of humor. You can’t use her hair clogging the drain as an excuse to leave behind your own mess. She’s made that point clear, by telling you that next time, you’ll find it in your dinner. If you want her to quit leaving behind her hair, tell her she’ll find it on her pillow.

  8. I suppose you pee in the bath tub too!

    Good golly man, clean up you act.

  9. I meant “your act.”

    Sorry AZ ;o)

  10. Let her live with me for a week then she’ll say,”oh good at least its only bloody phlegm in the bath tub ” weemen are just to weemany sometimes.

  11. LOL! You’re wife is — what are the terms young people are using today? — da bomb? tight?

    Eh, she rocks. Hilarious!

  12. I feel for you both, what an unfortunate and hilarious situation.

  13. Hahaha, you’re in deep shit! Do they not have Liquid Plumber or Drano in your benighted, bug-ridden country?

    Alternatively, you could do like my neighbor does. He comes OUT of his house, the house he was just in, and hawks up giant phlegm globs into the bushes right beside of his front door. Then he lays a finger to the side of his nose, like Santy Clause in the story, and snorts a big wad o’ snot into the same bushes. Then he switches nostrils, and does it to the other side. I know for a fact that that house has a toilet, the dirty bugger. Fucking white trash.

    I get nose bleeds at least once a day, due to sinus problems and allergies, and have done so ever since I was a toddler. When I was 6, they were particularly bad, and my parents had been discussing with my doctor the possibility of having surgery for them. It was an election year, and Jimmy Carter was in the news a lot. Overhearing my parents’ conversation, I thought my nose was going to be Carterized. In my defense, I had just learned about Caeserean sections, and I assumed that the procedure to be done on my nose was named after Carter. It was a couple of years before I realized my error, and it was actually “cauterized,” not “Carterized.”

  14. Damn, Kav. I mean…

    Just…

    Couldn’t you have…

    Damn.

    I hear phlegm tastes like boiled clams.

  15. hey…she still loves ya.

    I probly wouldnt have warned you before cookin it in your tea.

  16. I’m with summer. She verbed “phlegm” which is just…beautiful. Now it can be a gerund. “There shall be no phlegmings in the bath, henceforth.”

    Rapid.

    But really…of all the disgusting shite people can leave behind in the bath, is that really so bad? Perhaps as I get older, and the marriage wears merrily older, we become a little less delicate in what we expose the other to. Maybe that’s a good thing, but the things I hork up in the mornings at 40…I would never have believed of myself at 20.

    Have it it. It sounds like you have a healthy marriage. And I’m not being sarcastic.

  17. desirea: Jeez, I was late for work. Cut me come slack. Good idea about the hair though. She’d go ballistic.

    az: I won’t say that I have never pissed in the shower, but I try to avoid doing it as much as possible.

    old knudsen: If I let her live with you for a week, after getting a bit of old man love, she’d never be satisfied by me again. I can’t take that risk.

    howard: I’m inclined to agree. She’s pretty cool.

    natalie: Don’t worry, twas all in good fun. I’m lucky she has a sense of humour about these things.

    FS: I’ve read about your neighbour, sounds like a charmin fellow. Alas, I’d be put to death if I were to attempt that.

    I’ve been told on numerous occasions to get my nose cauterised, but I’ve always put it off.

    DD: That actually made me gag a little. Thanks.

    taihae: No you wouldn’t, you’d have said the same thing she did. I have that effect on people.

    andraste: Thank you. I’d say we’re pretty healthy. We can take the piss out of each other, and that’s half the battle, isn’t it? That and having good sex.

  18. the plughole is blocked up with long hair that doesn’t belong to me

    You know it was your pubes. Just admit it.

  19. And don’t let people talk you into sticking hot burning rods up yer nose. Just tell them, “I may be Irish, but I’m not that dumb!”

  20. Thanks Kav. I’d successfully managed to restrain the waves of nausea from my hangover until now. Vomit central

  21. Thanks for curing my blog crush. Arrghhhh!!

  22. Nice one Kav, Steph, step this way, I have some of my own teeth you know.

  23. Aw, but she loves you anyway. Or did you just add that bit on the end yourself?

  24. annie: I will never divulge. Perhaps I don’t have a wife at all.


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