Health and Safety is not a joke, kids

December 20, 2006 at 1:23 pm | Posted in fun at work, health and safety, nonsense, random | 4 Comments

If you work, you’ll probably know how seriously modern businesses have to take Health and Safety regulations. Of course, this means that we, the employees, must take every opportunity possible to rip the piss out of the ridiculously elaborate and bureaucratic health and safety measures they have in place.

For example, we’re walking across the office and someone’s chair is pushed slightly out from their desk. This represents no danger to anyone except the truly inept and irrevocably clumsy, and they deserve to die in agony anyway. Well, except you Steph. I love you and would never wish you harm, heh. Anyway, seeing such a dangerous accident waiting to happen, chances are I or one of my colleagues will rush over to push the chair in (thus rendering it safe, and ensuring the health of our colleagues), and have no choice but to report the situation as a “near-miss” to our nearest H&S Officer, the thorough, dependable, and always good-humoured Liam.

“Reason for the near-miss?” poor, bored Liam, who only wants to eat his sandwich and surf YouTube for beheading videos, asks, as he raises pen to clipboard.

“Well, if I hadn’t pushed the chair in, someone could have tripped over it, burst into flames, and fallen down the stairs” my reply might be. Liam would then advise, with a straight face, that this was unlikely to become an incident, and not reporting it would pose no risk to the organisation. Well, better safe than sorry, some of the more vigilant among us have been known to say.

A couple of weeks ago, during my “swearing off blogging and staying committed to studying” stage (a period in which almost everything in my life seemed to take on a blogworthy hue, but only because the grass of Blogland seemed much greener than the dank mossy marsh of Studyville…okay, I will stop making stupid placenames out of words right now), a couple of the lads and I were walking down the corridor, and someone had placed a box on the edge of a door to keep it open; obviously they were delivering a large quantity of office supplies, and it was easier for them to work with the door propped open.

Anyway, I did an exaggerated trip and fall exercise which involved me “accidentally” tripping over the box as I walked past it, throwing myself to the floor, and rolling around on the ground, screaming in faux-agony. The lads, bless them, took pity on me and laughed at my foolish jigacting.

Then some guy I’d never seen before came through the next set of double doors. Mid-forties, middle-to-senior management type. Fuck.

“Looks like a bit of a health and safety incident there, I think!” he said with a chuckle.

Nice one, the guy was sound about it. Praise the lord. If it had been one of the other more proactive max-the-envelope cunts, I’d have probably been facing a disciplinary.

“Heheheheh” we said, in what we felt was a decent approximation of laughter. We went on our merry way, delighted with ourselves.

It’s become an ongoing joke with this guy, and it’s starting to wear a little thin now. For reasons unknown, each time I’ve met him since our initial interlude, I pretend to trip, or bash my head, or something equally juvenile. It’s our thing. It never fails to crack him up, but I’m getting a bit bored of it. Physical comedy’s alright, but you have to draw the line somewhere. Plus, this morning when I met him, I “pretended” to trip on the stairs, only I actually did trip, and nearly broke my fucking ankle. That’s karma for you.

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4 Comments »

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  1. Sounds like you need to create an accidental Health & Safety incident for that guy.

    We don’t have Healthy & Safety here. We have OSHA. Those regulations are ridiculous, and companies flout them anyway, using the threat outsourcing workers’ jobs as a weapon. Fuckheads.

  2. pretend to punch him in the face, i bet he’ll get the message.

  3. You must be so much fun in the office.

  4. I’m fun like a fox desirea.


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