Suck it up

January 23, 2007 at 8:18 pm | Posted in blowjob, delusional husbands, hot housewives eager to please, vacuum cleaner, vacuuming | 18 Comments

If there’s one thing that drives me absolutely mental, it’s when the vacuum cleaner gets turned on when I’m trying to watch tv. There I was, laid out on the couch, beer in one hand and bollocks in the other, wearing only a white string vest and a pair of sweaty yellowing y-fronts, just about to watch Nip/Tuck, when Linzi decides the vacuuming is getting done.

I tutted, sighed and rolled my eyes at her as she huffed and puffed before me on her hands and knees, trying to get the nozzle-thing under the couch as best she could while I’m lying on it. No way I was making it easy for her – I kept my legs where they were and let her work around them. That’s what she gets for interrupting my telly time. While she worked, I gave her arse a bit of a slap and told her she was a fine ride altogether, but of course this got her all turned on and she asked if she could stop doing the vacuuming to give me a blowjob. “No chance,” says I, “you’ve started so you’ll finish. Don’t worry though, if you get the rest of that vacuuming done and then bring me in a cup of tay, I might allow you to give me that BJ while I watch the rest of Nip/Tuck.” Linzi was absolutely delighted with the generosity of my offer, and continued the vacuuming apace, eager to feast on my lad.

Okay, none of this is true. I fucking hate vacuuming though.



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  1. I vacuum naked.

  2. Like nature, I abhor a vacuum.

    I wish that was mine but it’s not. It’s on a fridge magnet someone gave me.

  3. If you really want to get her turned on, drop some crisps on the bit she just did and tell her she missed a bit. Get’s em foamin at the gash does that.

  4. Eddie, are you available? I’ve been looking for a man like you…

  5. You had me at wearing only a white string vest and a pair of sweaty yellowing y-fronts

    I bet this really does happen all the time, huh? huh? pressure Kav don’t burst my bubble you’re like my golden calf.

    weemen are like vacuum cleaners, after a while they stop sucking.

  6. “weemen are like vacuum cleaners, after a while they stop sucking.”

    And like vacuum cleaners this is often because they are not regularly maintained.

  7. Jaysus, Kav. If you dressed up for her and everything, it’s tragic that your story is untrue.

    I’m going to weep salty tears of woe now, like those I imagine came out of your…

    Actually, just forget I said anything.

  8. Too much laughing for a wednesday here, specially as the electrical repair man has just taken my dyson away owing to lack of suction!

  9. Women, they take the bloody biscuit!
    Biscuit munching fatties.
    Unbelievable Kav, you’re a better man than I.

  10. Laurie: Now I’ve been forced to picture that image…for shame! Excellent – I will need to suggest this to Linzi. We’ve got a lot of windows in our house though.

    sam: I like that one. Remember, plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery.

    eddie: Very true. She also loves it when I take a shit on the living room rug.

    cindy: Believe it or not, eddie is out in Cali too. I’m a muthafuckin matchmaking pimp, y’all. That’ll be fahve dollahs.

    old knudsen: Of course it’s true. I just had to put the disclaimer in at the end so that the feministas would go easy on me.

    sam: Eight years I’ve been servicing my lady, and I try to keep her in tip-top condition.

    sweary: Weep it did; there were no stupendous sprays. And we’ll leave it there, will we?

    lupa: Welcome to you. Ha! What fortuitous timing. I ought to insert a joke about women and machinery here, but that would be in terrible taste.

    kieran: I constantly berate Linzi as I’m sure her days consist of locking the kids in the hotpress while she lays on the couch in sexy lingerie eating chocolate-covered strawberries. There can be no other explanation for why the house is so tidy and my dinner ready when I arrive home.

  11. Vacuuming does suck.

  12. Kav, I had to laugh out loud at this post – guess you’re not the misogynist, chauvenist, time warped eejit I took you for!

  13. sassy: It’s a bastard, isn’t it? That and ironing.

    FMC: Deleted as requested. To tell you the truth, I had to restrain myself from typing “hoovering” every single time – I say that too!

    sid: See, appearances can be deceptive.

  14. misogynist, chauvenist, time warped eejit

    but he is a cunt.

  15. Be safe, put the condom over the hoover nozzle before you… you know!

  16. lolz

    And nice little hidden Magnus Magnusson tribute there too.

  17. knudsen: A cunt, perhaps, but that makes you the reader of a cunt, and hence, a bigger cunt.

    conan: That is sick. You’re banned.

    annie: Heh. Poor ould Magnus.

  18. Vacuuming is quite relaxing … you get lost in your thoughts …

    Kinda like UCD lectures only without the exams at the end …

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