My relationship with noodles is ruined

January 24, 2007 at 11:47 pm | Posted in HR, magic and a spoon, noodles, petulance, scutter, stray cat in a vice, thanking you | 29 Comments

Last week, the day I went home from work sick, I had noodles for lunch. I tried to have noodles for lunch today, but every time I looked at them my stomach made a peculiar whining sound, like a stray cat being compressed in a vice. I took a couple of mouthfuls and retched, so strong was the taste/smell reminder. The thought of noodles is now inextricably interlinked with the memory of spraying scuttery shit all over the bathroom porcelain while simultaneous spewing my ring into an overflowing basin balanced precariously on wobbly knees.

No more noodles for me, despite their excellent value.

Occasional visitors may recall me posting a while back about being approached by a BIG COMPANY who wanted to feast on my lad. I had a shitey HR interview with them on 6th December, filled with the inane bullshit typical of HR interviews and hilariously satirised by Sweary recently, and they told me they’d get back to me in a week.

They got back to me today; six weeks’ delay isn’t bad for a HR Department, I suppose. Anyway, I’ve got a second interview with them on Monday. This one is an hour-long phone interview followed by an hour-long…thing, where they email me some documents and I have to analyse them and write a report and send it back to them. Pretty fucking odd way to assess it, but seems to be fairly standard practice, so who am I to argue?

I despise cunts who say “Thanking you”. It’s “thank you”. Why do some people insist on saying it in the present tense? It sounds as though, rather than actually thanking me, you are letting me know you are thanking me, which is good of you and all, but I could probably tell that you were thanking me if you just said “thank you” and dropped the redundant fuck”ing” suffix.

Yes, I am a petulant arsehole. A petulant arsehole with a new banner though. Not bad for MS Paint*, eh?

Non-sequitor is the order of the day around here lately. I hope I’m not turning into Knudsen, the crazy old fucker. Anyway, I’d promise something coherent in the near future, but it seems unlikely, so you’ll just have to put up with me.

*well, everything was MS Pain except the blue-ifying filter, which was done using magic and a spoon.



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  1. Spamming cunt. Fuck off.

  2. Nice banner, Kav!

    Um, is that David Hasselhoff cuddling a couple of puppies there? I hesitate to ask because it would be a touch embarrassing to have you come back with, “Of course not! That’s my Uncle Marvin!” but it sure looks like him. Hasselhoff, that is. Not Marvin.

  3. By the looks of your banner you’re becoming more like Kim Ayres than Old Knudsen. There was a big phase of saying “Thanking you” until I outlawed it. It was mostly queers who said it anyway, so it was alright as they live in a different dimension to me.

  4. next they’ll have you come over and mow their lawn and wash their cars. Dude! Open your eyes! They don’t want to hire you. They just wanna get free work out of you!

    “Yeah . . . we need you to do this THING for us. Just analyse some data, write a 12 page report and get back to us tomorrow. It’s juat a THING we need you to do.”

    So you managed to change you banner but you couldn’t be bothered to change your fucking icon?


  5. Yays on the job interview. Fingers crossed and all that.

    Nice banner too. Who owns the bum on the bottom (hur hur) right?

  6. U iz teh sex!

    But seriously. People in Belfast say, “thanking you” all the time. And you couldn’t possibly be saying that people from Belfast are anything but glorious and assets to our great land.

  7. melissa: It is indeed Hasslehoof, the cunt. To make the banner I just took ever photoshop picture I ever posted on this blog and pieced them all together to get what you see. By the way, Uncle Marvin is in there, you just weren’t looking in the right place.

    jagd: Right, so instead of turning into a demented old fucker, you’re saying I’m turning into a mid-life-crisis-having old fucker*?

    duckworth: What’s wrong with my fucking icon, you complaining fucker? It’s unique and easily identifiable. Seeing as you’re a designer (see also: homosexual), how about you make me one?

    am: Thanks. I’m not sure if I want it (lots of travelling) but it’s nice to know I’m wanted.

    That arse is not anyone I know, I just had it saved in my Photobucket for some reason. I thought it was a nice arse though, so I put it into the banner.

    *Only coddin ya Kim.

  8. sweary: Is that right? So it’s a regional thing…hmmm, well, I’m sure that most people from Belfast are not cunts, so apologies to the city of Belfast for that sweeping generalisation. I’m sure they’re used to that sort of thing by now though.

  9. Good luck with the job, Kav.
    Murphy’s law of course means that if you don’t really want it then you’re bound to get it! If you do get it, don’t just take it because you got it (am I making any sense?) – I did that once and it took me ages to get out of a job I hated.
    Go néirí an t-ádh leat.

  10. The best part of the banner is David Hasselhoff with the puppies. It’s impossible to look at the Hoff and not laugh.

    Good luck on the interview. I hope it works out.

    People who say thanking you should be forced to be professional fart smellers, whatever that is.

  11. You know – my only conclusion on the arsed up way of interviewing is this:
    They like the way you work but not the way you look. It musta been the revealing crocodile skin y-fronts that showed through your zip which was open the whole time mate.

    As for the sad (bankruptcy inducing) situation regarding noodles – I’ve the same thing with sweet and sour chicken. Even the thoughts of that orangey sauce makes me want to gag.

    Sympathising mon frere


  12. The difference between a demented old fucker and a mid-life-crisis-having old fucker is only a few years.

    Like the banner. With photoshop skills like that you can start building Blunt Cogs strips. I’ll send you some templates if you want

  13. Shouldn’t that be ‘fucking “ing” suffix’ – or are you now casually knock(ing) the ‘ing’ off words in retaliation?

    Do like the banner. I, that is.

  14. By the looks of your banner you’re becoming more like Kim Ayres than Old Knudsen

    Thanking you for the laugh you kiwi fruit. I refuse to be out groomed by a young fella. Kav I’m sending you some Blogger profiles, I want you to tell me what their fucking problem is, its for a job really, no you’re not getting paid.

  15. Your problem with noodles, that’s me with KFC. It took me a good year to even eat normal fried chicken, let alone the shite they serve up.

    Good luck with the interview.

  16. I’m pretty sure you just ruined noodles for me, too. Thanking you oh so much, Kav.

  17. Good work! Where can I download magic and a spoon™ from?

  18. mairéad: Ah, the plot thickens. I’ll try to post about it today. Seems I could potentially be forced to leave even if I don’t want to. Thankee.

    debbie: Hasselhoff is a fuckin tool, no doubt about it. Cheers for the luck – still don’t know if it’s for me.

    pinkie: You may be right. I also told the interviewer she had lovely breasts, so perhaps that went against me.

    kim: Heh. Well, see, therein lies the problem. I don’t have any fancy shmancy Photoshop – all I have is MS Paint and a very basic program that allows me to do a few bits and pieces…don’t know if I’ve got the knowledge or the tools for the BC game.

    eolaí: That was my own rather lame attempt at a play on words. Clearly it did not work. I refuse to change it though, on the grounds of my being a stubborn bastid.

    knudsen: Seeing as it’s you, I accept your offer, and will pay you a tenner an hour to give me work.

    steph: Perhaps everyone’s got a certain food that does that to them…gak. Thanks pinkarm.

    cindy: Hahaha, noodles look like tapeworms at the best of times anyway. Enjoy!

    primal sneeze: Unfortunately that’s a customised bit of code I developed myself. I can sell it to you at the cut rate of two hundred loaves of bread. Kingsmill, mind.

  19. Fingers crossed if you want the job. Middle finger up if you don’t.

    These guys approached you – asking for a few more hours of your time seems a bit rude to me.

    Where does the petulant asshole thing come in? I’m a kav fan.

  20. Best of luck with the interview. Thanking you for your non-sequiturs. Don’t spray any more noodles.

  21. I’ve never liked noodles ever since I got ripped off by that supermarket that sold me that tub of shit I tried to get high smoking. Pot Noodles, indeed.

  22. You can download Gimp for free and that opens Photoshop Files.

    Go on. You’re a natural.

  23. Good luck, Monday, Kav.

  24. Just walk in there and tell them you think most people from Belfast are not cunts. That should do it.

  25. Hmmmm..the phone interview is usually a good sign as they’ve concluded that you’re not a total git and might be worth the effort of a follow up if only to clear the back-log from O’Bastiges desk.
    The free work thing is still a bit of a fucking liberty though.
    Good luck on the day and may you get the outcome you want..instead of the other outcome…you know..the noodles and the….oh…never mind.

  26. Congrats and good luck Kav. I totally agree about the whole “thanking you” thing. It sounds too much like “wanking you”. I also don’t like the term “comes in handy”, I can never bring myself to say.

  27. Thanking you everyone…interview went ok, but was very odd. I’ve never done one like it.

  28. Of course they’re all cunts in Belfast! They’re such cunts they started a war with themselves!
    Loved the old porcelain conundrum getting a mention there, Kav.
    As my old pal Billy the fascist used to say (he liked to rhyme):
    To vomit or to do a poo,
    I can’t decide between the two!

  29. Oh, and thanking you!

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