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February 12, 2007 at 12:26 pm | Posted in crap rapist | 21 Comments

In the midst of some banter and jigacting with me at the weekend, Linzi uttered the discomfiting words “You’d make a hopeless rapist.”

She was trying to be nice, but I’m not sure how much comfort can be drawn from such a sentiment.



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  1. Is it by any chance Scots slang for ‘builder’?

  2. Ha! Good one, ya bollix. At least you didn’t say “lover”.

  3. I don’t know, Kav. You have the wax jacket for it…

  4. that’s the first time I have ever seen jigacting in print, or should that be bloggery. Can you use leibide in a sentence and I think I’ll retreat back to being 10 years old?

  5. It is perhaps on a par with:
    well you’re not the worst looking …

    I don’t get it. Am I supposed to be flattered?

    You’d think they could explain themselves better.

  6. sweary: True, but I tend to wear a mac when I –

    – wait, never mind.

    eashtgalwaywoman: I’m going to put heising into a sentence soon too.

    dario: Heh, or “what a small penis you’ve got”

    Small is such an arbitrary term.

  7. Small as in elephant small or small as in shrew small?

    It is arbitrary. And thanks for putting me among the esteemed company section in the post below. My vote for you is assured in one of the many categories you’re nominated in.

  8. My ex-girlfriend and I used to fight like cat and dog. One day, after we almost tore strips off each other, she tried on a new pair of jeans she had bought. Then she asked the question that ALL men will hear at least once in their lives:

    Do these jeans make me look fat?

    ‘No’, I said, still smarting about the fight. ‘It’s all the chocolate and crisps you eat that make you look fat’.

    Getting out of her house in one piece reminded me of going paintballing in Monaghan when I was fifteen.

  9. I Googled and Wikipedia’d it, and looked it up in the Canadian Oxford, but I can’t find a definition for “jigacting.” I’m all outta reference tools here. So, going on context alone, I’ll say I’m sure she meant it with wit and love and humour and love. And love.

  10. dario: No problem, thanks.

    the voice: Oh, now that was brave. I’m surprised your posts don’t come out sounding much squeakier, what with her having cut off your balls and all.

    whyioughtta: Hmmm…not sure if this is just a Galway word or not. It just means lepping about like a hyperactive child, getting up to mischief.

  11. Well, I hardly think you’ll need to worry about a career as a rapist. I heard there’s not much pay in it, and the benefits really aren’t what they used to be, what with the government cutbacks and all.

    Besides, you’re like Knudsen; you get poontang thrown at you. If I were you, I’d be more worried about being the victim. Gang rape, too, from the looks of it.

  12. fs: It’s like you leapt into my mind, slathered it with baby oil and massaged my thoughts out onto the screen.

  13. Oh, that would explain the gunk on my screen. I tried to wipe it off, but it was kinda sticky.

  14. I think you need to prove her wrong.

    KIDDING!!! Take it as a compliment. You must be a fine, caring lover…..or sumthin’.

  15. What you need is a really fucked up catchphrase. One that strikes fear into the heart of your victim. I like “Breathe deeply Beryl” from the film 10 Rillington Place. He’s not a rapist but he is a weird fucker. Screaming “Baby want’s to fuck” in a high pitched voice like Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet works too. You could even combine the two changing voices mid sentence. I tried it on Mrs. Waring recently with limited success, but give it a go yerself and see….

  16. Hell, it’s just crap getting raped by someone who can’t even do it right.

  17. With apologies for the above to anyone who thinks they could do with them.

  18. You don’t look like a rapist…but then again I’m blind.

  19. fs: Ugh…nasty.

    steph: Yeah, I’m trying to find the positive in there somewhere.

    eddie: Not bad, I’ll give that a shot. It’s probably a step up from asking if she wants a length.

    sam: I know, but I was doing my best, for chrissake!

    flutt: I know. Rapists are usually ugly.


  20. Rapist was the job my school career councilor came up with for me so I pulled out a knife and forced myself on him.

  21. Bummer.

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