You only lose it once

February 21, 2007 at 3:55 pm | Posted in embarrassing moments | 24 Comments

Once is enough though. If I had to go through that more than once I’d be in some state altogether.

The night I lost my virginity, I went all out. Room booked in Jury’s for my lovely girl and I*. An overnight bag was packed, containing my best shirt/jeans combo, the all-important aftershave to enhance my attractiveness, and CONDOMS BY THE TRUCKLOAD for all the riding I was gonna be doing. I had a nice bottle of wine kept cool in the bathroom sink, a lovely restaurant booked for dinner, and the Playstation hooked up to the little portable hotel tv. Perfect.

Um, what was that last bit again?

Ah, yes. I packed my Playstation, and connected it up to the television in the hotel room in which I intended to lose my virginity. Forward planning, you might call it.

The meal was delicious, but fraught with nervous anticipation. Much smalltalk was made, avoiding the elephant at all costs lest the evening disintegrate into an analysis of whether or not one’s partner was ready. No way baby. I paid for a damn hotel, like! Of course we’re ready.

Later that same evening…

After playing a bit on the Playstation (taking turns cos I only had one controller), I looked at her and asked her if she was ready. “Hang on a minute,” she replied. “I just want to finish this level.”

I drank some wine and waited. For some reason I wasn’t very horny. After several years of practice dealing the five-knuckle shuffle, here was a golden opportunity for me to take advantage of The Real Thing (© Coca-Cola): a lovely naked girl lying there, who actually wanted to have sex with me (once she’d gotten to the nearest save point), and I’m having difficulty getting a horn. For fuck’s sake. Typical.

After we closed the curtains and turned off the Playstation, things began to flow more smoothly. Well, actually, that’s not true at all. The whole evening was as awkward and contrived as you could imagine. Entirely because of me, I can assure you. At that tender age, I had not yet discovered that I would never be a member of the Kool Kids Krew, and my gangling attempts at being suave were laughable enough to ruin any kind of atmosphere the dimmed lighting may have provided.

I’ve never known a feeling as intense as the first time you make love. It’s just a pity the intense feelings I was having were ones of self-loathing and disdain for my non-existent self-control, as I felt myself start to orgasm almost as soon as I entered my poor unfortunate lover. Truly, this was an historic landmark in pathetic love-making attempts, a benchmark by which every other man could compare himself and feel truly Casanova-like about his sexual prowess. It was altruism, I tell you! I did it for men everywhere, so that they could feel good about themselves by laughing at my disgrace.

After I stopped whimpering, we spent the rest of the evening taking turns on the Playstation. I knew it would come in handy.

Come, geddit?

Thankfully, I’ve gotten a bit better at sex since that fateful night. No, honestly. It’s been almost three weeks, after all.

*She really was a lovely girl, and as far as I know she never held that night against me.

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24 Comments »

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  1. Kav, in my experience, women and video games are like chalk and cheese; the ones I know absolutely hate them.

    So the fact that you got yourself a lassie who was willing to put a save point before sex is truly a wonderful thing, and proves that women and video games can mix.

    There’s hope out there yet …

  2. Hey, I just noticed you have Professor Farnsworth from Futurama on your banner. Cool.

    Good news everyone!

  3. Playstation? Really?

  4. Dario Dario Dario. This is a cautionary tale! Don’t be getting ideas man. Playstation + women = not a good idea if you want a ride.

    Debbie: Yes…well, all I can say is, I’ve learned a thing or two since then.

  5. ah – the only button you pressed was on the playstation – poor girl.

  6. Reminds me of my college days. The original ones – not these ones.

    One morning I walked in on my flatmate lying buck naked on the bed. Fast asleep beside him, fully clothed (shoes and all), was a girl I knew to be, eh, fairly generous.

    Ah fucksake! What were ya at, ya bollix? I politely enquired.

    Romancing the Stone. What does it look like, ya dozy fuck?

  7. That’s priceless. And a much better story than mine (involving lots of alcohol and a “what the hell, what am I waiting for?” shrug).

  8. One of my first experiences, I was with my boyfriend, A, in his downstairs bedroom where his bed was against the wall. In the next room the family was sitting watching telly. The next morning one of the wee brothers took enormous glee in telling my boyfriend that the glass cabinet with all the china and the pictures of beloved and irreproachable relatives had shaken all through the ten o’clock news headlines.

    I was with A for two years and embarrassment was pretty uniformly my default mood for that house. One Saturday morning at about 5am I had just hopped out of his A’s window, when his dad, a Free Church elder, up early to make a good start on the peats, rounded the corner and said with a wide, happy grin, “Oh hello, mo’ghraidh! Why didn’t you just come out of the front door?”

    The man was either impossibly naieve* or diabolically clever and knew exactly how this cheery approach would make everything much worse for me. After 16 years and several thousand cups of tea with the man, I still can’t figure out which it was. In any case, the effect was far more cringe-worthy than if he’d shouted or even looked disappointed.

    *It is possible he was impossibly naieve. This is Lewis after all, and he had another older son who had a doctor friend. On Sundays, after lunch and before church, they would go up to his room “for a wee lie down.” He would just nod up from his bible (no telly, books or newspapers on the Sabbath) and say “Right you are, then”. Both the doctor and the plumber (A’s bro) were “saved” and went to church “both ends” (snigger) of Sunday. Just as background: in the Free church both fo-hornication and being gay are wronger than wife-beating and council members getting caught embezzling from the public purse.

    How was your video shooting after your…um… other shooting? Bit wobbly? I think it’s only proper if it was.

    Great story, Kav. I think the first time is probably worse for a boy than it is for a girl.

  9. Very interesting!! I can’t believe you told us that, but sure why not I spose. I cringed though at the idea of my first love telling our tale on the web, but was kinda intrigued too as to what he might say!
    My immediate thoughts: what age was Kav if he could afford a room at Jury’s?
    Planned like a military operation!! How many of us planned it at all?
    He didn’t go again?

    These aren’t questions, but if you really want to tell us………

  10. You played the playstation??? Good Christ! You sir are romantically challenged.
    Still, at least she got some enjoyment out of the evening, what with getting to the next level and all. Shame you couldn’t. Haaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

  11. flirty: Yes yes, insert “turning-on” joke here. It got better, but it was never fantastic.

    Primal: Heh, good stuff. One of the lads I went to college with, Dave, was a fecker for sleeping naked. We went to America together and all summer long he’d sleep bollock-naked while sharing a room with three other lads.

    Sassy: It probably would’ve been better if it had been more spontaneous….there was far too much pressure.

    Sam: Great story. Sounds as though it was fairly good for you, which is something to help curb the embarrassment. My videogame shooting was uneventful. I think I probably fell asleep shortly after…

    Mairéad: You’ll note I was careful to paint myself in a bad light and leave her unscathed…the whole story was a bit of a caricature of the reality (as most of mine are), and didn’t happen quite as portrayed. It’s funnier they way I told it though. What age was I? I mention that in my 101 things. Older than average, though still young enough that one night in a bog-standard hotel cost me at least a week’s wages. We planned it cos it was the first time for both of us, and she was very nervous. I wanted to go again but not everyone did, if you know what I mean.

    steph: Gah, you folks are so cruel. Another button-pushing joke. Don’t forget, she had a nice meal too.

  12. What game was it? You did not specify. I espect you’re too embarrassed to tell us. Was it 101 Dalmatians II: Patch’s London Adventure?

  13. I’ve a terrible confession, I’ve never done it with a Playstation.

  14. I fucking love my Playstation, Dario!

    Anyhoos, that sounds utterly normal, Kav. Well done. You are NORMAL. UNREMARKABLE. SO-SO. A GRAND SOFT DAY.

    At least you can remember your first time… 😦

  15. Damn! Guess I’ll just have to go back to serenading them at 2 o’clock in the morning so.

  16. You were so much more manly on Blogger. I’m a natural pork swordsman, in and out get the job done and wheres my tae?

  17. You’re a gent, Kav.

  18. Love this story, cuz. I might have to write my own losing-it story soon.

  19. That’s awesome!! A Playstation, too? Wow. I’m speechless.

  20. Sounds about right – the careful planning, the awkwardness (oh God, the awkwardness), and the quick finish. And yet, it was still momentous, still exciting. The Playstation would have pushed most girls over the edge …

  21. “I think I probably fell asleep shortly after…”

    Yep, like Melissa says, that all sounds about right… Entirely normal male behaviour.

  22. Manuel: You know, I can’t flippin remember what it was. You had me in roars laughing at that one though. I might have to give the girl a phone and see if she can recall.

    Conan: Seriously, you’re missing out.

    Sweary: True, I was stone cold sober, the wine was untouched. Perhaps that was my downfall.

    Dario: Serenading with Spanish guitars always works.

    Knudsen: I’ve got a good story about poo coming up shortly. That should be manly enough for you.

    Mairéad: Don’t know about that, but thank you.

    Annie: I have no doubt you’ll make it hilarious. Go for it.

    HDW: Speechless with shock, no doubt. If I could go back to young Kav, I would definitely say “Don’t bring a games console with you on the night of your first shag”.

    Melissa: Over the edge? You mean “to suicide”? Lucky for me she kind of liked games, or the relationship may have ended even before we did the deed.

    Sam: I just had to add that bit it. I’m very bad for it. It’s the endorphins; it’s biological, dammit!

  23. […] Like losing-your-virginity stories? Kav’s got a great one. […]

  24. […] an hour of my life I wish I had back | I’ve previously shared with you the story of how I lost my virginity. For entertainment’s sake, I put a comical spin on what was in reality a serious and […]


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