Foot in mouth disease

March 13, 2007 at 12:25 pm | Posted in old people | 17 Comments

I went to secondary school with a lad called Joe Stanley, also known as Joe Skis, on account of the size of his feet. Poor oul Joe used to get slagged mercilessly for being a big tall enormous giant lanky fucker. Many a caricature of him in his size 14 Doc Martens was drawn.

I was over putting new doors on Linzi’s parents’ kitchen cabinets yesterday, when a friend of her dad phoned. I was nearest, so I answered, and it was Archie, an old chap who I’ve met once or twice.

During the course of our banal conversation, Archie mentioned (in that confidential way that older people do when they’re talking about bowel movements, as if they’re bestowing you with incredibly useful and highly confidential information) that he has been ill recently, diarrhea and such. I said I was glad to hear he was on the mend, and I had had it myself over Christmas, and it nearly killed me. This was of course a bit of hyperbole, but the old fucker took it as a challenge over who was sicker. He went on to list how many times he had been close to death on the past twelve months alone, while I stood there wishing I had stuffed one of Joe Skis’ enormous Doc Martens into my mouth before I even started this conversation.

Never try to compare medical histories with old people. They’ll always win.


Can’t reply or respond or even read blogs this week. Garage getting delivered tomorrow. Woot. Also, may have an interview for a good company.



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  1. Oh, right so. I’d better not leave a comment then. Anyone else want to not leave a comment?

  2. The great ‘I’ve Been Sick More Times Than You’ve Had Hot Dinners Challenge’. Some old people I know have had diseases I’ve never even heard of. Consumption? Gout?

    Good luck with interview. Ugh …. intervirews …

  3. It doesn’t even need to be old people, my sister is 34 and has everything wrong with her. Whats more, she has often gone to the doctor with a rash cos it was ‘killing her’. She wouldn’t be so quick to go to the doc if she didn’t have a medical card, the fucking eejit.

  4. Would you really want to win that ‘medical history sick-off’ with an old person though??

    I mean, you would have to be some kind of serious demic to even try and compete!! Especially when it gets to the stage of keeping bowel movements in a plastic bag strapped to the your side!!

    Don’t wish it on yourselves, you crazy young thangs!

    (demic =

    I am going on for 103, so bring on all wrinkle-free challengers, you think you have had it, I had it WORSE!!

    wink! (That was with my good eye … the one I have had 35 operations on, my other eye is glass … the 26th one, don’t ya know!)


  5. Best luck if you get the interview, Kav.

  6. So you are in fact Foot Eater in disguise?

  7. Poor you, poo on the brain these days. Good luck with the garage.

  8. I just wanted to let you know that your shoes are back in fashion 🙂

  9. My Grandad, before he died, was in hospital. He whispered into my ear that a small dog would probably have done bigger shites than he had the previous few days. I had to laugh.

  10. don’t talk to me about being sick and garages, no really I don’t give a shit so don’t talk to me.

    Yes McDonalds is a good company.

  11. Kav, seeing as you live in Coatbridge, you will want to hang a big Irish flag out the window tomorrow. Trust me.
    Failing that, have a realllllly good time.
    Lang may yer lum reek!

  12. Given the day tomorrow, do you feel up to creating a suitable script for Blunt Cogs?

  13. “Never try to compare medical histories with old people. They’ll always win.”

    Fuck, I knew I was getting old.

  14. Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

  15. Speaking as a hypocondriac, I’ve googled every disease known to man and i think i have them all.
    Bring that old fucker ON i say!!

  16. Where are you? Are you locked in the new garage?

  17. Hi all!


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