Scum of the Earth, indeed.

March 28, 2007 at 9:42 am | Posted in backlash, fun at work, jobs | 18 Comments

I wasn’t going to post today, but Sweary’s rant about recruitment consultants mirrored my own rage so beautifully, I felt inspired.

Recruitment consultants, by and large, are horrendous cunts. I say by and large because a close friend of Linzi’s is one, and she is sound, and very good at her job. She’s also the first to admit what a bunch of vicious cutthroat pedants they can be.

I’ve gone on a bit recently about this job I went for. I left out all the shite behind how I eventually got the interview.

I’ve been doing the same job for nearly two years, and a couple of months back, I started getting seriously itchy feet. I bought some of that athlete’s foot powder, which cured my feet, and I also stuck my CV up online, to see what other jobs were out there. I was surprised by how much I am now qualified for. I used to struggle to find things; this time, I was able to pick and choose. It’s a gratifying position to be in.

I had a long chat with one girl, who was based in Edinburgh and specialised in recruiting in my field. I don’t know how she works her computer, because my field has no electricity or phone lines. She must have a wireless-enabled laptop, and a warm jacket.

Anyway, we discussed my requirements, and she took my CV and submitted to several companies on my behalf.

None of them bit. At the end of January, my phone bill came in. There was an item for £11 for a single call on it. My call to this recruitment girl. Eleven fucking pounds! I was livid, but there wasn’t much I could do about it.

February came and went, and still this girl hadn’t come up with the goods. I had been relatively apathetic about things up to that point; I like where I work, and I’m not desperate to move. However, internal news sent ripples of panic thoughout the company, so in early March I started searching with renewed vigour.

I applied for two or three jobs via your usual job websites, and sat back and waited to see what would happen. One of the jobs – the one I most wanted – was being handled by Linzi’s friend’s agency. The girl (not Linzi’s friend, before you go shouting about nepotism) called me and we hit it off and she got me an interview straight away, which impressed me.

That very evening, I got a call from this other girl who had done nothing for me for the past couple of months. Being a genuine, trusting gentleman gullible bastard, I revealed all when she asked if I had any other interviews lined up. I told her I had got one with these guys, and she said “Oh! I submitted your CV to them in January and nothing came of it!” My response was “So? Tough fucking shit. Someone did their job better than you and got me an interview. It’s got fuck all to do with me.”

I didn’t imagine the shitstorm this would cause. This cunt called up the company the next day and claimed that she was responsible for getting me the interview, and so the interview would be going through her from then on, effectively stealing the commission from the girl who got me the interview. She phoned me the next morning to let me know, her voice proud as if she were bestowing me with some sort of honour.

The ignorant fucking cunt. It may sound like an absurd loyalty to you, but I was having none of this. The way I saw it, she tried and failed to get me an interview. Too fucking bad that she didn’t try harder. The girl who did get me the interview was entitled to her commission. I told this bitch to retract my application through her, that I would be going through the other agency, and I did not appreciate the sneaky cuntish tactics she had used to manipulate the situation.

I think it’s safe to say that I won’t be using her again, the ruthless bitch. If I’ve learned anything from this, it’s do not tell these cunts ANYTHING outside of the specifics for the job they’re dealing with. They will fuck you over faster than you can say “able to work independently or as part of a team”.

They’re usually quite sexy though.



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  1. Hmmm … sexy and cunt … something familiar about this … can’t quite put my finger on it!


  2. Put your finger on it, love, you’ll get a right buzz.

    But yes, Kav. Yes. I’m showing this to the Swearing Gent once he gets home from kick… I mean, walking to dog.

    May that recruitment consultant fall into a lake of acid, and not the LSD kind, either.

  3. the dog. Fuck it, not to dog. Bloody hell, butterfingers. I blame recruitment agencies.

  4. ‘butterfingers’ … or ‘buzzingfinger’!!??



  5. Queen Minx: Roffle. I’d offer my finger but I’m taken. I’m sure you understand.

    sweary: Has TSG tried doing the old thing of just calling into local places, skipping out all that recruitment shite?

  6. I was told by an outplacement guy once that any agency person who asks you “who else are you talking to / what else are you interviewing for” should be told NOTHING. Of course they will give you some rubbish about not wanting to double up but they are just looking for new roles to fill with THEIR candidates. Of course the first girl will now go out of her way to make sure one of hers gets the job.

    Also, 80% of jobs are filled internally or via contacts so it is beyond me how these recruiters do business!

  7. Yeah, I felt like a right tool after that flirty. Lesson learned. And yeah, I was worried about that. My only consolation is that the role is a difficult one to fill, so hopefully she’ll struggle.

  8. TSG will probably go for a mass sending-out of CVs if we relocate, Kav. We’ve just sent a cold, snippy letter to one of those recruitment agencies telling them in no uncertain terms what cunts they are. CC’d it to the managing director, too. Zoink!

  9. Oh well as she is pretty useless the chances of her finding someone is pretty slim and you’re generally brillant – good luck

  10. Here on the rock there appears to be a new recruitment consultancy popping up every other week. They ALL advertise the same vacancies (but for different pay/packages) and then fight to get their invoices in first for “their” commission when a job gets filled.

    Signing up with any of them is buying a ticket for the “Fuck Me Over” Lottery.

    Swearing Lady, the Isle of Man has tonnes of jobs if you’re looking for relocation 🙂 It’s a bit of a boring shit hole though.

  11. Sweary: Mind you keep track of them – the worst thing is sending a load of them out and forgetting who you sent them to. Keep a lisht.

    Flirty: Cheers. Knobbly end of the Duracell. 😉

    Paul B: Welcome along, Mr Manx. I only realised that recently – I thought once an agency had a job, no other agency could have it. It’s no wonder they’re squabbling like cats and dags about jobs.

  12. Kav, (ducking) I’m a technical recruiter in the US if you want to relo to here 🙂 From both yours and Sweary’s posts it seems like these people don’t do much to help you in your job search. Can you go direct? If not make sure they don’t submit you without your permission. Put a timeline on your candidacy (ie 2 months and no job – you dump them) Insist on follow up every few days, whether there is some or no news. And if you want to come to NYC let us know. We are much better than these paper pushers. Plus we know what jigacting means.

  13. Kav, even the sexiness is there to distract you and to try and make it more difficult to see past the shit they feed their clients. A couple of friends have been working for recruitment agencies as well but have both left for less-paying jobs just because couldn’t handle bullshitting people day in day out. It’s amazing how there can be an entire industry built on lies.

  14. Now I’m completely intrigued. OK I have Sweary’s detail of the recruitment process although it just seems to be resume gathering to me. Please I need more stories!!. Everytime I think I should move home I will read them.:)

  15. EashtGalwaywoman: Thanks very much. If there’s anywhere in the world I would love to work, it’s NYC. Don’t know how viable it is with kids and all though. I love New York. I have plenty of recruitment stories but they’ve all got the same theme: greed and lies.

    lauranen: Welcome to you. You’re absolutely right – they’re pure shnakes and no mistake.

  16. Jeez! I’ve never heard of these recruitment lads!! I thought I was bad with my employment route – sucking UP TO the Parish Priest (please do not substitute or delete the capitals!!).

  17. Used to do admin work in the finance office of Search Consultancy. The amount of shite we had to deal with/clear up because the consultants were only interested in their commissions was horrific. The amount of shoddy, untrustworthy cowboy companies they did deals with was hilarious. Always remember credit control going bananas on a daily basis because consultants had sent people out to companies that hadn’t paid their bills, well, EVER!

    I also once had an abusive phone conversation over two days with some workie who had been misled by a consultant and ended up stranded in Blackpool. Fuck ‘em, the fake bastards….

  18. mairéad: I wouldn’t dream of it! And you’re better off – in case you hadn’t already picked it up from my post, I ought to point out that they’re cunts.

    Ill man: I haven’t had the pleasure of using Search, but that just shows that they’re all the same. You really need to be a shark to survive in that industry.

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