Cop the fuck on to yourself

April 2, 2007 at 9:14 am | Posted in Lidl, Lidl are stupid cunts, stupid cunts | 11 Comments

I enjoy the trappings of my holey-shoed upbringing. The airs and graces of the wannabe upper-middle classes irritates me in a way that no rich bastard ever could. Rich people are just dickheads. These people, on the other hand, are consciously trying to be dickheads, but they don’t have the bling to back it up.

I’m not poor anymore*, but I still revel in taking advantage of a bargain. Getting one over on the man, until I can afford to be him. I’m the kind of person who needs a trolley in the pound shop. Lidl is my friend.

That’s why I found myself there on Saturday evening – eight cans of brand-name beer for £4 is too good a deal to ignore, even if the beer is (a) Carlsberg and (b) in cans. One must fight incipient middle-class snobbery telling one not to accept anything less than Mexican bottled beers with slices of lime.

Of course, it being Lidl, I reached the till with a few pieces of utter cack I had no intention of buying when I went there. Linzi was delighted with her 500-piece sewing kit, and I made room in the garage for my new bolt cutters.

The speccy guy commanding the register, you’ve seen his kind before. Crazed with the power that a minor position of authority brings. No offence to those who work in retail – I did it myself for three years – but these pompous gobsheens on a power trip because they get to boss around the shelf-stackers really get my goat.

My purchases came to £10.76. I handed over a £20 note, and as I did, discovered I had a pound coin in my pocket. Nice one. I passed him the pound, asking for a tenner back in place of the nine pounds-odd change.

“Sorry, I can’t do that, I’ve rung it up already” he replies.

“But that doesn’t make any difference. If I give you £1 extra and you return me an additional pound, the only difference is in the denomination of currency you provide me with. It’s all the same,” I countered. (I didn’t say this – all I really said was “It’s all the same though, isn’t it?” while smiling incredulously and trying to raise an eyebrow.)

“Actually, it isn’t. I’m afraid I’ve rung it up that you’ve given me £20, so that’s it. If you’da gave me the extra poon’ before I rang it up it’d be okay, ken? Sorry ’bout that,” he says, grinning his Forrest Gump grin. This is the highlight of his day, this kind of shit. I’m not going to give him the satisfaction.

It hits me. This must be the Robot Guy** that Linzi told me about.

“Fair enough then.” I take the change off him and gather up my stuff.

“Excuse me,” I say as I fondle the weighty mass of coinage he’s handed me “Could I get a ten pound note for this change please?”

I already knew the answer but I enjoyed watching him bluster about how he couldn’t open the till.

If you’re one of these people, get a fucking life. Your store may have protocols to operate to, but the ability to discern between what’s common sense and what’s procedure is what separates us from machines.

*I’m not rich either, but I’m rich relative to what I came from.

**A few weeks ago Linzi had an encounter with this same guy. The full details are beyond the authorised excitement limits for this blog, but the gist is that he refused to put her goods through the till until she positioned her trolley in a certain way. Linzi had Jack with her, sitting in the trolley, and since Lidl are the low-cost convenience store, they don’t provide straps to keep your child safely seated. She had to let go of Jack to load the trolley, leaving him at risk of sliding through the bars and landing on the floor, all because this half-wit was unwilling to bend the rules about where the fucking trolley should be positioned.



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  1. They’re actually mad in Aldi too. It’s a German efficiency thing.

  2. […] Cop the fuck on to yourself […]

  3. Right!! That’s fucking it! I’m coming over to bite the liver out of that fuckstick.I’ve got a smiley sticker on my baton* just for fuckers like that!
    Do they stock wood shampoo there kav?’Cos that hoor is getting one WITH conditioner.

    * By baton I mean exactly that

  4. Sweary, it’s mental isn’t it. It does seem to be particularly bad in those shops.

    Devin: Oh, I love it when you get mad. Go! Attack! Wood shampoo, god the sexual innuendo is delightful.

  5. me no heed.I’m feeling a bit feisty this morning.
    I really do have a smiley face sticker on my baton(It’s called an Asp ,just so you can have more giggles)
    Service with a smile! Thunk!

  6. I’ve generally found that if you question their ability to actually count out the change, without the register telling them what the amount is, they will either give in, just to prove that they CAN do it, or go bright red. Either way, it’s a win/win situation for you.

    Oh, and if you have the time, and don’t mind public embarrassment, just refuse to leave, and tell the cashier to call a manager over (Do NOT leave the line. If you leave the line, they have won). The cashier will either give you your change the way you want it, or will actually call the manager over, and then you’ll get your change. In the event that the manager will not give you your change, and backs up the cashier, tell them that you want to return everything that you just bought for a refund. Once you have returned it, tell them you want to buy it back. Remember to stay in the same line for all of these transactions. Oh, they’ll try to get you to go to another line, but don’t give in. You’ll get what you want, one way or another, and there’s no reason to put up with snotty minimum-wage assholes.

    Did I mention that I have a lot of time on my hands?

    And no, the Spouse Sparrow rarely goes shopping with me anymore.

  7. Devin: No, I insist. You can’t bate a good bit of aggro now and then. Or you can bate…that’s the idea, isn’t it? Indeed.

    FS: Damn, I would love to go shopping with you just once. I’d never have the guts to do all that.

  8. pantene


  9. cqkgjytmwg cqkgjytmwg cqkgjytmwgcqkgjytmwg
    cqkgjytmwgcqkgjytmwgcqkgjytmwg cqkgjytmwg

  10. its because the shop assistants there get abused by the management, and constantly harrassed and also given no time to rest. they make staff work till 2am and expect them back in again at 6am. they are disgusting and shameless, and theyre breaking all sorts of our country’s employment laws.

  11. Lidls….utter cunts! As a sub-contracted truck driver hauling for Lidl I expect to be BANNED off site by the end of the week for giving them pelters. Fcuckin Asshole ,corporate greedy no good slave driving bastods. Don’t get me started!

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