Fundamental differences #341

April 2, 2007 at 10:01 am | Posted in arguing, delusional husbands, family | 20 Comments

Difference #341: Men apply logical reasoning to situations to draw a conclusion, whereas women just expect you to know what they meant.

Big argument yesterday afternoon.

My gorgeous gracious wife is quite understanding and tolerant of my gaming addiction. And my scratching. And my burping, and farting, and constant pawing at her looking for sex, and my insistence on calling the kids’ clothes “costumes”…yes, the girl’s a bloody saint.

See, she understands that, although it’s not for her, gaming’s not just for kids either. If you disagree, why the fuck do you think they make 18+ rated games? Because ADULTS play them, that’s why! Our generation was raised on the early consoles – it’s a natural progression to want to keep playing them as we get older, and it’s short-sighted and foolish to say that there’s anything wrong with that.

Anyway, I digress. That’s an argument for another day. Let me tell you about this argument we had.

We went across to Hamilton yesterday afternoon to pick up an Xbox 360. I was being my usual hilarious self, recounting a story about poo to Linzi, who was absolutely enthralled, as you can imagine. Next thing, she interrupts me with a squawk.

“KAV! You just missed the turn-off into the car park!”

“You were meant to tell me where we’re going!”

“I know, but your stupid story was distracting me.”

I glanced over my shoulder as I drove on, making a mental note of the car park we had just passed after her outburst.

“Right, well it’s a one-way system, I’ll just go back around. You hop out here, and I’ll get you back at the car” I said as I pulled up to a red light.

Off she went to get my Xbox for me. What a girl. I drove around with the kids and pulled into the car park (remember, the car park that I just passed when she shouted at me that I had just missed the turn into the car park?). I shut off the engine and waited.

And waited. And waited. And waited. I managed to recite verbatim all of Goldilocks and the Three Bears, Rumplestiltskin, and Peace at Last (it’s about bears), and still there was no sign of Linzi.

Fuck, I thought, she’s been jumped by masked thugs who’ve had their eye on the Xbox! I’d better go rescue her!

I got the kids out of the car and loaded them into the buggy. I walked the whole way up to the shop and back again, and still no sign of her. When I returned, turning the corner into the car park, there she was, leaning against the car. I shook my head as the Blame Game began.

Apparently, when she said “Kav, you just missed the turn-off into the car park” she actually meant the car park about half a mile back the road, and not the car park we had just fucking well passed when she said it. Ah yeah, sure, that’s a fairly natural conclusion to draw, I’m sure you’ll agree. If you’re a feckin woman. Linzi was waiting, frustrated (but alas, not beyond words) at the other car park for us and she ASSUMED I’D KNOW that that was the one she meant. How silly of me.

Here’s a hint ladies: say what you feckin well mean. Like yer man says in The Silence of the Lambs, don’t ASSUME, because it makes an ASS out of U and ME.

Hang on a second. Yesterday, I got an Xbox 360. I also had sex, a Chinese take-away, and lots of beer. Jeebus, that’s just slipped in at number 6 in the top ten greatest days of my life.



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  1. That’s every day for me, Kav. Except I also have a PS2, a GameCube, an N64, an X-Box, and a gaming PC. Zoink!

  2. Welcome to the wonderful world of next-gen gaming, Kav.

    Get Gears Of War and The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion and get ready to kiss your wife and kids goodbye.

  3. Do not try and use the words ‘logic’ and ‘women’ in the same sentence. It is ungrammatical.

    How’s the beard coming on? Waiting in cars is a good time to grow them!

  4. Oblivion is shite. Don’t bother with it. There’s only so many identical “areas” and blades of grass one can be impressed by, you know. Plus, they’ve only used three voice actors and one face model. Yup. And they’re all simpering Americans. Bleh bleh and bleh again!

  5. I’ll be selling my PS2 shortly Sweary. My ten-year love affair with Sony is over. *tears*

    Dario, I got Gears of War, Crackdown, and PGR3. Gears of War is frickin awesome. Crackdown is very good, and gives an inkling of what GTA might look like graphically. PGR3, I could take or leave, but since all three games came as part of the bundle (along with an additional wireless controller), I can’t complain.

    Grandad: Well said. The beard is not getting anywhere, I’m afraid – I’ve been warned that she would hate it. Over and over again. I’ve started my sideburns. They’re just along my earlobes now. I’m going to shave half an inch lower each week, so that gradually, without her even noticing, I will end up with a full beard.

    Sweary: I have heard otherwise about Oblivion – the words of one of the lads was “best game I have ever played by a frickin mile”. I know if I got it, it would take up months of my time – that’s the main thing holding me back.

  6. Face up to it, a mhic: If a man says something in a forest and there’s no-one there to hear it, he is still wrong.

  7. Sadly, you might be right. And even if he is in the forest, he’ll still get the blame for the mess in the bathroom.

  8. And even if he is in the forest, he’ll still get the blame for the mess in the bathroom.

    Very good, Kav!

    Speaking of bathrooms, you know how our lovelier halves get upset when we have the mischief to leave the toilet seat up? I always presumed that this was because there was an inconvenience involved in putting it down before a lady-type person could use it.

    But that’s not it at all. Because if you not only put the seat down, but close the lid down as well, for the next user, there is a resulting inconvenience at least equal to leaving the seat up. But will she moan if you close the lid? No. Women get pissed off with men leaving the seat up because it is a uniquely male thing to do.

    That’s my little nugget of pop psychology for today.

  9. I called Linzi out on that before Gerry. She said she wants me to keep the seat down because (a) it looks nicer and (b) she sometimes doesn’t check whether or not the toilet seat’s down, and so she has ended up sitting on cold porcelain a couple of times. Poppycock and balderdash, said I, for the same reasons you outlined – not only does she want the seat down, but also the lid. Ban all lid-type devices on toilets and be done with it!

    Besides, would they prefer if we just pissed all over the toilet seat? We’re doing them a favour, if you think about it.

  10. (b) she sometimes doesn’t check whether or not the toilet seat’s down, and so she has ended up sitting on cold porcelain a couple of times.

    But if she is so careless in not checking these things, then she runs the risk of sitting on a closed lid and… no, let’s not go there.

  11. Exactly! So if I need to check that the seat is up before I unleash a steaming jet into the crystal waters below, surely it’s not too much to ask for her to be a bit more observant in these matters.

  12. I notice the men outnumber the women by four to one in this post. Obviously that’s because women everywhere realise I am making perfect sense and they feel terrible for ever having treated their men badly.

    You’re forgiven, ladies.

  13. kav,
    Please give Linzi a guest post so that we can hear the REAL story.

    I’m so jealous of the 360! My son has one (that I’m still paying for) but I’m still playing my N64 (The Ocarina of Time – I just CAN”T beat Bongo-Bongo!!!!!)

  14. While Sweary is right in saying that Oblivion has only about three voice actors, it is still an unbelievably brilliant game. I hate games like Final Fantasy, and I thought Oblivion would be like that, but it’s not. It’s far and away the best game on 360, until GTA 4 or Assasin’s Creed comes out, and I spent (yes, very nerdy this is) over 200 hours playing it when I shopuld have been studying.

    It was totally worth it.

  15. Beards are good.

    Toilet seats – keep the whole lot down – lid and seat. Stops, or at least slows down, kids throwing, or accientally knocking, things in the toilet. Like your toothbrush.

  16. What’s wrong with cold porcelain? I consider the sensation of sitting on it a truly defining one for humans. And a puzzling one for small reptiles.

  17. Listen, Kav. You admitted to having one of the best days. You got your stupid Xbox, you even had sex! So why on earth are you complaining about your wife, damnit?

  18. Linzi is right. ALWAYS. The sooner you cop on to that, Kav, the happier you’ll be. Stop fighting it.

  19. The lid MUST be down, unless you are actually sitting on the toilet. The lid REALLY must be down when you flush the toilet. If it isn’t, you are spewing microscopic germy toilet spray every time you flush with the lid up. It’s gross. My toothbrush is in the bathroom, and I do not want it all microscopically germy with someone else’s bodily wastes. Yuck. I specifically tell people, before they use our (only) bathroom, to put the lid down when they flush, the mingers.

  20. jali: Hah! She will never get to tell the truth her side. And the 360 is excellent. I’m desperate for a HDTV now. N64….old skool. Goldeneye rocks.

    Dario: Ah you said the magic words…GTA4. I salivate at the thought. Have you seen the trailer for it on Rockstar’s website? Looks frickin sweet.

    Kim: Ah, a practical reason for it. Now that I can relate to. I quite like beards too, but Linzi is a rather strenuous objector.

    Eolaí: I’ve suggested that if it’s the cold that’s bothering her, that I will install a heating apparatus to warm it up. Yes, I’d rather do that than have to put the seat down.

    Cindy: I couldn’t think of anything else to blog about. I have no life.

    Mairéad: It’s weird though, because I’m always right too. In fairness, in reality, I got her to agree that it was neither person’s fault and both of us were at fault…communication is key.

    Fat Swallow: Germs are vastly overrated. A bit of disease never did anyone any harm.

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