Secret Beard Attack

April 4, 2007 at 12:05 am | Posted in beards, Bristley Spears, Mick Jaggy, Peter Beardsley | 25 Comments

Grandad asked me recently how my beard-growing was going, and I lamented Linzi’s lack of enthusiasm about my ambition. Too itchy for kissing, she says. Wouldn’t suit you, she says. She really isn’t keen on the idea of me growing a beard.

However, I’ve come up with a stealth-based approach that I believe will allow me to grow a beard without her noticing at all. I’ve already started work on this. Observe:


The plan is to gradually extend the sideburns week by week, until eventually there will just be enormous furry patches on each side of my face. I estimate that after approximately five or six weeks, these fuzzy thickets will meet and have a pint together in the middle of my face, leaving me with a fully developed stealth beard, and leaving Linzi none the wiser to my clandestine activities.

I have mulled it over for many days now, and can find no flaws with this plan.

For Sneezy:

handsome bastard



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  1. I wasn’t going to comment on this because beards are not my forte – what with me not having one (thank fuck) and my clean-shaven fiance not being allowed to have one (he’s US military ya see) – but then I noticed the ‘tags’ you have this under and just had to pop in and say..


    Mick Jaggy, Bristley Spears, Peter Beardsley, beards

    You hilarious hairy fecker you!

  2. My fiance does this all the time and I CAN TELL EVERY TIME!!! I mean, really! How silly do you think we women are?

    Having said this, it’s still worth a shot.

  3. First your face. Then the WORLD!


  4. Any concerns about the fact it is going to look VERY GAY week 3/4. I know you are married but maybe she’s just a beard!

  5. At week 3/4 you’ll look like John McCririck. Are you sure you want to do this?

  6. pinkie: I didn’t think anyone ever read the tags. I just put them on for my own amusement, heh.

    Carolyn: Have no fear, tis just a joke. I won’t really be doing this. I would only end up looking like John McCririck.

    Howard: I can do a brilliant evil laugh. I must upload it some day.

    flirty: Serious concerns, ma’am, serious. Not for the gayness factor, but for the worry I’d end up looking like John McCririck. I wouldn’t be able to bring myself to do it this way.

    sneezy: Oh yeah, you just lep in and say I’m going to look like John McCririck. That’s so fucking insulting.

    Hell no is the short answer. There are even stealthier ways to grow beards, if you have enough cash and gumption.

  7. Just be careful about the invasion of the red bristles.They are especially fond of the slow growing ever expanding side burns.

  8. Whats she caught you already and now you are trying to pretend it was only a joke.

  9. Or grey in my case, as I just noted last week when I started to grow the sideburns again. Sigh.

    Caught me? I’m not sure, but she was playing that D-I-V-O-R-C-E song when I woke this morning. You can’t be too careful.

  10. Don’t mind McCririck. He doesn’t have sideburns.

    That’s just misplaced pubic hair because he talks through his arse so much

  11. Hmmm. It is rather curly, wiry and unkempt.

  12. Sigh, that’s not a bloody beard. I am partial to beards. I am very partial to beards on semi-naked men who wear capes and leather shorties.

  13. Gizza chance will ya, I haven’t started it yet.

  14. Ooo! I do a killer one as well. We should have a competition!

  15. Can I play?

  16. FMC – DAMN RIGHT!! Oh gimme some of those delicious, edibly oiled Spartan men!

  17. Oh Pinkie! Have you ever seen such delights? Sigh, all glistening and oily and beardy and rippley and nippley. Golly, I feel all faint.

  18. Years back I grew a beard for the Braveheart thing (Yes….I know..)and what with the skirt wearing and all it was all very confusing.
    Still it was some consolation knowing that millions of people world wide were mooned by us.
    Fucking facial hair!I hunted all mine down with laser beams.

  19. Howard and Eolaí: Cool, I’m up for that. What’s a good site for uploading audio?

    FMC and Pinkie: Have a seat, I don’t want you to hurt yourselves when you swoon.

    Devin: You certainly get around, don’t you? Jaysis.

  20. Hmm, other than my own, I’m not sure where to store audio anymore. I haven’t had the need to host it anywhere else. I’ll ask my friends.

  21. Wait, we could just host the files on my site. Dur. They won’t be that big.

  22. Cool. I will do it on the train home this evening, for maximum effect.

  23. Stealth-bearding is a great idea. I did that once, but after six months nobody noticed.

  24. I have the opposite problem. A day’s growth and I get a telling-off.

  25. i remember doin this but i haqd to shave it off because i had my job interview .lol feeling sad about it

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