This post is fully dissociated from reality

April 11, 2007 at 10:07 am | Posted in jobs | 27 Comments

Here’s how a conversation might go, if two people somewhere in the world (but not here in my workplace, I hasten to add) were to have one.

“Hey Chad, every time I look over at you, you’re smirking away at the computer screen, like you’ve got a funny secret. What’s the story with that?”

“Well, Hank, all day long, while I’m supposed to be working, I am connected to the internet. I variously peruse blogs, eBay, the BBC, and anything else I might come across, all the while pretending to be interested in my increasingly frustrating job. The smirks usually arise from reading snippets such as “she’d have a minge like a three day old clam which was covered in glue and rolled around on a barber’s floor“. The simple fact is, every day I am wondering how long it is feasible to get away with doing absolutely nothing at work before I either get caught and fired, or have to spend a week working flat out to compensate for my sloth. This is mainly because, since I found out about a final interview I’ve got for a job I really want, I cannot be bothered doing any work at all. However, a significant contributor to my apathy is that the morale in this place is going to pot. Since the restructure was announced and half my colleagues have been told they’re at risk, I feel a little guilty that (a) my job is safe and (b) I have to hassle them with ridiculous requests, when they have the enormity of wondering what the fuck they’re going to do with their lives filling their days. To tell the truth, I’m counting the days until I can hand in my notice. I know that my attitude is extremely unprofessional and realise that I should be giving 100% every day instead of wasting my time writing jibberish, but frankly that is not going to stop me continuing down this path with a shit-eating grin on my face.”

“Wow Chad, thank you so much for providing me with such a comprehensive response.”

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27 Comments »

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  1. Where can I send my application for a job like urs?

  2. Ah, why would you want a job like mine, itelli? I work incredibly hard and don’t have a spare moment in the day. As I mentioned, that’s just a possible conversation that two people could theoretically have. And even then, only maybe.

  3. That post was not dissociated from reality. Everyone knows all office workers are called Chad and Hank.

  4. What’s an office worker?

  5. I’d love to comment but I’m far too busy to be reading blogs and stuff.

  6. And also Chip, Sweary.

    FMC, gah! You and your convenience of working from home.

    Sneezy: I see what you did there. Oh yes.

  7. I love that “i’m getting the hell out of here” feeling when work is winding down.

    Just turned down a job today, hope I don’t regret it!

  8. College, work, it’s all the same.

    When people should be working, they’re doing anything but working.

    Viva la revolucion!

  9. just had a call from a recruitment agency to whom i gave my cv in 1998 ! “Just updating!” they were … and “Are you still looking?” was hte best thing they could say after 9 years … i told them i dont get out of bed for less than €5.75 an hour !

  10. Kav, are you the guy sitting round the corner from me grinning like a cheshire cat?

  11. Hmmm … stop stalking me Kav … that’s the exact conversation two of my colleagues had yesterday morning … only their names are ‘Sheila’ and ‘Barbara’ … Sheila prefers to peruse sites about men wearing Marigolds whilst fiddling with their own and other mens privates (sometimes at the same time), whereas Babs prefers looking at ‘hobby sites’, those ones that give you ‘Great, Fun, Easy and Practical Ideas’ about what to do in your spare time.

    As for me … well, I can’t get on the computer much at work … coz Babs and Sheila are always hogging the fucking thing … pair of selfish cows!

    xx

  12. There was a day, long ago, where I could go nothing all day and it was good to read blogs and even post on my own, but sadly those days are over.

  13. That clam fanny line was utter poetry. By the way, you’re job isn’t half as cushy as mine. I do zilch all day, however, I do have to listen to a good few girls talk shite non-stop for 8 hours about weddings, diets, celebrities, hair, shoes, men, children, families, girlfriends and all without a sense of humour or involving even a modicum of intelligence.

  14. flirty: I love that feeling too, but I shouldn’t be having it before I know whether or not I’ve got the job!

    Dario: At least in college there are tons of hot women to gape at.

    Rambling Man: That’s disgraceful. I’m proud of you for going so hard on them though.

    Sid: I’m saying nothing, but if you look up you might find I’ve stopped.

    Minx: I feel awful for you. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have the internet. Work, probably.

    Debbie: It doesn’t feel good after a prolonged period though. I’m sure the person in that conversation is starting to feel like a right waster.

    Blarneyman: ‘Twas, now if only I had come up with it. Your job sounds fairly cool. I must once again refer you to the complete lack of women, sexy or otherwise, at my work. I love listening to that kind of stuff – if you know even a little bit, they gush all over you. Not literally, of course. That would be disgusting.

  15. Wow, are you articulate. Uh, I mean, Chad is. Or some fake person somewhere.

    Screw it. Good luck on the interview!

  16. I know that my attitude is extremely unprofessional and realise that I should be giving 100% every day

    Whatever you say GRANDAD. Sorry thats not fair, my grandad would never say shit like that.

    I spent the last 3 years doing fuck all in my job now I’m in a more serious better paying job I’m having to actualy do stuff and I’ve been getting vicious headaches every fucking day. I think I broke my brain, the part that does stuff anyway.

  17. “gush all over you, not literally of course, that would be disgusting”

    Classic. That made me spit tea all over my hands.

  18. You do right Kav. If the job isn’t doing it for you anymore then it’s best not to strain yourself in doing the job when you’re just not inspired to. You do right. Alternatively you can stress and get grey hairs.

  19. Bah! I do the same thing. In fact, I was just smirking at your post. I should be working instead. This is much more fun.

  20. i want to get away from my office. I moved into a new room, I sit close to a window. Too close. One day, especially if this weather continues, I will go out through the window :-)) – good it is on the ground floor. I do not want to end up like Chad (or one office worker from my company!)

  21. Howard: I think Chad is the coolest person I have ever seen in my entire life. I wish I was him.

    Niolk: Family Guy? I just ordered series 5 for a tenner. *jive* And I told you, it wasn’t fucking me.

    Blarneyman: One could say that you gushed.

    Pinkie: Speaking of which, got my first grey hair not so long ago. bah.

    Sassy: Can you imagine how much time is wasted around the world every day? Lots, is what I imagine.

    nightskyspy: Welcome to you. I’m relieved to sit near a window – some poor bastards in here don’t get to see daylight at all.

  22. Family guy??

    Thats the best response to any comment I’ve ever left, just randomly talk to me about Family Guy for no reason. Did you think I was quoting it or am I, as usual, missing something glaringly obvious?

    PS – Excellent buy, season 5 is fucking deadly quite possibly the best.

  23. When you said “I think I broke my brain, the part that does stuff anyway”, three options entered my head: Family Guy, The Simpsons, or Fry from Futurama. I think maybe Fry said that at some point, and I was off with Family Guy. But yes, I’m excited about it. Whoohoo.

  24. I assure you sonny that was of my own devising. Any resemblance to someone elses intellectual property is purely coincidental.

    Anyone who says otherwise is in for a stabbing next time they’re in my zip code.

  25. OoOooo zip code. Back to the OC, Seth.

  26. Motherfucker! What do you call it? A “right royal placement code”?

    You’ve just been promoted to a glassing sunshine.

    PS – Does your wife know that you can name someone from the oc?

  27. Thank You


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