Monogamizzle

April 12, 2007 at 2:31 pm | Posted in hot housewives eager to please | 24 Comments

Fuck it, I wasn’t going to post, but an opening appeared, and let’s face it, when you’ve got to go, just pull those sweaty pants down and go.

Even if you are in the canteen at lunchtime.

Flirty posted earlier about cheating on your partner, and it reminded me of a chat I was having with the lads in here recently. Now, I am a fairly monogamous sort of chap, and have only done the dirty once. Even then, ’twas only a snog, so it really doesn’t count. Anyway, it was a relief that it never went further, because I later found out she has seen more helmets than Hitler, and there’s no chance I would want to be going anywhere near that.

And no, it wasn’t on Linzi.

Some guys are just born without the gene for remorse. Maybe women too – there are plenty who’ve been cocked more times than Elmer Fudd’s shotgun, and for whom a relationship is no obstacle to a quick fuck. However, I don’t know any women who fit into this category, since every girl I’ve been with has been a sweet untainted virgin before she met me, so this is purely about the lads.

Stop, it’s true.

Yes, the remorse thing. Y’see, for me, that’s what does it, that’s what puts me off. Terrible as it may sound, it’s not how much I love my partner, how aware I am that it could destroy my family or any of that stuff. Sure, I am aware of those things, and they count, but the underlying reason why I am monogamous is that I don’t want that feeling of being wracked with guilt for wrecking lives. Which makes me a selfish cunt, I know. Still, maybe the being in love and the guilt factor are one and the same, flipsides of the relationship coin. Maybe that’s how you know you don’t really love the person, if you can do it without feeling too bad about it. I dunno. Whatever the case, it doesn’t work for me.

A lot of guys though, they don’t have this nagging guilt thing. A shag is a shag, especially once there’s booze involved. At the start of the night, you’ll hear the usual disclaimers: “Jesus, look at the state of yer wan – I wouldn’t ride her into battle” but within a few hours, the tune has changed. Doesn’t matter if she’s had more hands up her than Bosco, all they want is to give her one and then fuck off. No sooner are the trousers being zipped back up than he’s severed the brief attachment, shrugged the situation off like a jacket he’d been trying on and then decided not to buy.

I’ve seen some people do it, and it’s feckin amazing. The ability to present two wholly convincing faces, one to the girl you’re trying to woo with your shite-talk in the pub, and the other to your trusting girlfriend, and have them both believing every word you say – what an awesome skill. There’s a guy I work with who’s shagging a girl at work and goes home every evening to his wife and four kids. It must be fucking exhausting trying to maintain that duplicity.

Anyway, I’m not really sure where I’m going with this, so I might as well stop.

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24 Comments »

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  1. Perhaps you r point is that men should develop some kind of remorse?

    If so, then that would be a reasonable enough point.

  2. No, there is no moral to this story at all. Alas, it just spilled out of my clicky fingers and has no fable-like qualities whatsoever.

  3. Of course you’re not a stupid cunt for not wanting to feel guilty about wrecking lives.

    A long time ago I succesfully wooed my best friend’s wife and caused them to split up. At the time, being young and stupid, I enjoyed the excitement, but as soon as I realised what I’d done to my friend I was overcome with remorse and even now, 20 years later, I still have occasional twinges of shame at how utterly selfish and thoughtless I was.

    It was all made worse by how sensible and rational and decent he was about dealing with it. Sometimes it’s easier in these situations if someone smacks you in the face.

  4. Holy shit. Well, I didn’t mention it, but I’ve had something similar happen to me, but by no means on that scale. I too was quite sensible and rational about it – I think it was shock, to be honest. The weird thing is, he wanted to have it out, wanted me to unleash and go fucking ballistic, but I just kinda did it privately, because I knew in the long run it would damage things more if we scrapped about it. I’m still closer to this person than almost anyone besides Linzi, and it’s all been sorted long ago. If he still feels guilt like you do, I would tell him to cop on because it’s all over and done with. Hopefully your friend now feels that way too.

  5. I use to be really defensive of men, but lately I’ve come to realise that ALL men cheat and ALL men lie.

    It’s depressing.

  6. I have a question. It isn’t loaded and I don’t even know the answer for myself, it just popped up.
    If your partner truly didn’t mind out of pair-bond sex, if society said it was fine and everybody did it, how much sex would you have with other people? (There are no diseases in this improbable world).

    I think men would have a far easier time with that than women. I think it’s harder for women to separate sex from emotion. When women sleep with men it’s because they like the man (assume sobriety for this) and really think the man likes her, as if in some incredibly unlikely way, they know her. It doesn’t make any sense, but for a woman sex usually means a connection of some sort; for a woman, the shared intimacy has more to it than for a man. It’s why it makes the scenario you describe with your mates in the pub – quick fumble and squirt and you’re away – sound so horrible to women. We know deep down that men are just after one thing – sometimes so are we – but often we can’t help attaching more to it.

    Having said that, if the sex isn’t right for either one of the couple, trouble’s a-brewing.

  7. Look what you’ve started, Kav! If there had been a blog about the ‘rumble in the jungle’ it wouldn’t have gotten as many hits as this will. (Pity WordPress don’t allow google-ads).

  8. Problemchildbride raises a great hypothetical question. My 2 cents’ worth is that if it wasn’t considered taboo, fewer people would probably bother. Isn’t the ‘forbidden fruit’ thing what makes it so exciting?

    Who knows? I’ve known a few women who bang other women’s men and they seem to get off on the thrill/power of making a guy do something he knows he shouldn’t. If there was no taboo, would the thrill still be there? I have no answers, only questions. And paperwork. I have a lot of paperwork.

  9. Kav, I have that fear of guilt thing too which is probably a very Irish thing in my case because there isn’t anybody in my life.

    Annie, we don’t and we don’t – but we have other flaws instead.

    Sam, I’ve always felt the way women talked about sex made way more sense to me than what most men (though not all) I know say, so in your hypothetical question there I wouldn’t be in the camp that most men typically are. I really hope it’s not because I grew up reading Marie Claire.

    Kav, whoops, didn’t mean to appropriate things on you. I’ll just go get meself a cup of tea.

  10. Annie: I understand why you said that, but I can’t agree. At least, no more than I’d agree if the same were said for women.
    ~
    Sam: Good q. I think you’re right, and men would find it a lot easier. However, an excess of availability of anything leads to satiation and therefore a lack of interest – whyioughtta makes the good point that a lot of the deal with affairs is the thrill of the chase and the illicitness of the whole thing.
    ~
    Sneezy: You think so? Never thought about that. I’d sooner they went to flirty, she’s got more expertise in these things than me. And no, I don’t mean affairs, smartarse.
    ~
    whyioughtta: As I was saying to sam, that’s a great point, and I’m inclined to agree.
    ~
    Eolaí: Don’t be daft, I’m always delighted when a conversation gets going in the comments. You need never feel that way on here, have at it. And I can’t tell if you’re being tongue in cheek with your first line or not, but taking you at face value, I’d say the whole Catholic upbringing thing instills guilt the way wholesome American families instill a love of meat loaf.

    He would do anything for love, you know. But he won’t do that.

  11. “been cocked more times than Elmer Fudd’s shotgun,” “seen more helmets than Hitler”

    Have I mentioned lately how brilliant you are?

    I do believe that, in general, and due to Nature and nurture, women deal with relationships better than men do, and men deal with sex better than women do. That being said, in my younger years when I would have sex (just sex, without a relationship), it was always the men who would end up wanting a relationship. Men don’t deal very well with being dumped after you’ve had sex with them. I suppose women are used to it, or at least have had more experience with it. Whichever, women deal with it with more dignity. Men often have a double-standard, by which they think they should be allowed to shag whatever, while women remain faithful. Hey, it’s just Nature, right?

    My ex-husband cheated on me several times; women, men, poodles, what have you, and then he’d lie about it. He is definitely lacking that remorse gene you’re talking about. I never caught him in our bed with another woman/man/poodle, but if I had, he would have said “What woman/man/poodle? There’s no woman/man/poodle here in this bed!” And then he would try to lie his way out of it. Even after his paramours had told me of his escapades, and I heard about them from others, he would never, ever admit it. He always thought that he could weasel out of it. He never took responsibility.

    I left him; kicked him out of the house before I started another relationship, but he still tells people that I cheated on him. He also tells people that I got the house in the divorce proceedings. It’s a rental, for fuck’s sake.

    If there’s one thing I’ve learned from that experience, it is to judge people by what they do, and not what they say, or profess to believe. If you judge people solely by their actions, it makes everything a lot clearer. Oh, and I should have poisoned the fucker while I had the chance, so I wouldn’t be living in dread of him or his family popping up in my life unexpectedly.

    And one more…. I’ve really learned to appreciate the Spouse Sparrow.

  12. I take back what I said about ALL men, of course it was hyperbole. And like Fat Sparrow, I really appreciate my spouse now more than ever.

  13. I’m glad you’ve changed your mind on that one Annie because if you think that lying and cheating is an activity exclusive to men, well, you ought to get out more.

    Problemchildbride: there are lots of men for whom that emotional connection is crucial in enjoying sex.

    Anyway I must go, it’s time for my internet wank.

  14. Sorry to go on, but Kav, yes, funnily enough, me and the bloke I took his wife off are best friends now. I stayed at his house for a few days last month. If you’ve committed that sort of utter cuntishness and talked about it and sorted it out, you can tell each other anything, and we do.

  15. I’m a sweet, untainted virgin.

    (can’t even TYPE it with a straight face)

  16. ‘I’ve got enough guilt to start my own religion’ as Tori Amos once sang

  17. Guilt comes from empathy. If it stops you from hurting people and wrecking lives then its no bad thing. Doesn’t make you selfish, Kav, it makes you human.

  18. Bloody hell we have opened a can of worms. Although I have now decided the topic is WAY too depressing and has reduced my belief in the goodness of mankind. Although great to see the debate.

    What area am I meant to have more experience in?

  19. fat sparrow: Good point about actions versus words. You know what amazes me? Linzi has said that she thinks she could forgive an affair, because she can see what drives some men to it. Basically, in the game of Monopoly that is our relationship, I’ve got a get out of jail free card.

    Okay, maybe not.
    ~
    Annie: Ah, all sugarsweet underneath that hard exterior. You’re like a Creme Egg, you are.
    ~
    looby: You can’t beat a good internet wank. And myself and yer man I told you about are like that too – even though we only see each other a few times a year, we can talk about anything. It’s good.
    ~
    Cindy: Yeah, I roared laughing at that too. It’s just so ridiculously unbelievable.
    ~
    conor: Good line. Though she also sang “Papa was a cornflake girl”, so there’s only so much credence I’ll give her.

  20. Kim: Thanks. I hadn’t thought about it like that.
    ~
    flirty: Relationships in general. I talk a lot of shite, but when you get down to it, I’m not exactly what you’d call experienced.

  21. So how are you and heather doing?

    She left me for another man.

    Ah well, she was a munter anyway.

    I was just kidding.

    Are right, yeah, so was I.

  22. Worthy of an awkward conversation, I’d say.

  23. You’ve been kind enough not to point out I’ve commented in the wrong place.

    It’ll take me a couple of years to get accustomed to this wordpress jiggerypokery.

  24. It’s good to hear that there are many types of men out there and not all of them are going to take an opportunity when it presents itself.

    It’s interesting how that male friend cheated with your girl and then you became closer. Would you show the same forgiveness if your wife cheated on you?


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