Awkward Conversations #4

April 13, 2007 at 9:48 am | Posted in awkward conversations | 39 Comments

Yesterday afternoon, to a female colleague:

“Hey, lucky you, leaving work early. Beautiful afternoon out there – you off out to enjoy the sunshine?”

“Actually, it’s my aunt’s funeral.”

“Oh, right. Nice day for it, all the same.”

Got any good foot-in-mouth incidents?



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  1. The time I walked into the canteen one day after we’d had a meeting with one of the bosses to find my fellow team mates sitting around a table.

    “What a fucking cunt that cunt is”, I said.

    I didn’t notice their faces dropping.

    “Seriously, if he wasn’t the boss he’d be the butt of so many more jokes. He disgusts me. He’s a wimp. A fucking corporate wimp.”

    He was sitting behind the pillar out of my sight.


  2. Just last month, I tried to be helpful, but it didn’t work out. See here.

    See that, Kav? Huh? I did the blank target thing so as not to drag readers away from your blog. Thoughtful feker amn’t I.

  3. Shite! It didn’t work. The tag’s been twisted into a ‘no follow’ by WordPress. Now that’s embarrassing. Does this count as two from me?

  4. Don’t worry Kav you weren’t know. It’s not like you were being insulting, you were being cheery. Now if you had killed her Aunt and then been cheery you’d be a complete fucker.

  5. Twenty, I remember reading that one over your way – did you ever get challenged on it, or was he too lambish? Baaaa.

    Sneezy: Tis alright, it’s the thought that counts.

    FMC: Right on. The DNA tests came back negative, after all. The fact that several eye-witnesses could place me at the scene is irrelevant.

  6. One time in the pub I got talking to a young guy who claimed that he had a rare liver disease and was going to die in a few months.

    I am astonishingly gullible after a couple of drinks, so I figured I wasn’t going to be taken in this time. I told him that dying of an incurable disease was boring, and that the best way to die was to take out a contract on your own life, like I had done. I told him I could die at any minute from a bullet or a poison dart.

    No, he said. I really am going to die.

    I hate it when that happens. Lucky he wasn’t too bothered about it. Guess he saw no point in holding a grudge.

  7. Now that is awkward Hugh. I find things are always awkward around the terminally ill though. Good thing he saw the funny side.

  8. My friend Truculent Horse, who is in fact a girl, not a horse, was talking to a woman about her father.

    “Where does he live, anyway?” she asked, for reasons that I don’t remember.

    “Actually, he died quite recently,” said the woman, sadly.

    “Oh,” said my friend, awkwardly. “So, in the ground then?”

  9. My whole life is one big Foot In Mouth moment. My best one recently was perving on a super hot guy at a party and making the comment, “Holy shit, I would shag him so hard he’d beg for mercy”, to my friend who then introduced me to the hot boys WIFE, who had been standing there the whole time.

  10. Jesus Kav I would have to start a whole new blog for my foot and mouth incidents. A few are on my Fat Controller post.

    Annie – LOL, best comment EVER.

  11. Your conversation was almost an exact replica of one I was on the receiving end of when my mother died. My wife & I were staying in a B&B and over breakfast the landlady asked what we were in the area for. When I told her, she gave your response.

    You don’t have a close female relative in South Devon do you?

  12. Ah that’s not too bad Kav – you meant well! Shit like that happens to me all the time… the all time worst though was back in the day I used to be an opera singer… lol! But seriously… I was… and I was playing the female lead and had a really quick costume change… the fuckers in the soundbooth forgot to turn of my mic so the whole audience heard me effin and blinding the poor costume lady… there’s a diva for you! 🙂

  13. Annie: How horribly hilarious of her.

    Steph: I’m presuming you then participated in a steamy threesome to the immense satisfaction of everyone involved?

    flirty: Interesting idea…

    Kim: I don’t, but I’ve been down that way on holiday before, so my awkwardness probably rubbed off on her.

  14. Deborah, that’s classic. Must’ve been a red face for you when you got back out on stage…or did you even know it had happened?

  15. Ooh … zing!
    To really compound it, you should have topped it off by saying:
    ‘Well, enjoy yourself, anyway.’

  16. Nope- had no clue until intermission… tragic!

  17. New foreign girl started at work about 2 weeks ago. Making chit-chat she says she was out the night before at a club. I respond with; “The guy who runs that place is a complete Coke head.” She smiles and says. “He’s my boyfriend, and that’s not true.”

    Thank God she had a sense of humour because she found my Hugh Grant style fumbling apology quite funny.

    But he is a coke head. Everyone does. I know he is true personal experience, but still.

  18. When I worked at Bord Gais, a slightly older woman (me: 19; her: about 35) working there was expecting her first child. During the pregnancy, she moved to a different company and I didn’t see her for a while. About 6 months after her baby was due I spotted her at Quinnsworth and bounced on over to ask about the baby. Her reply “the baby…., the baby…., the baby was stillborn.” I am not sure which one of us was more gobsmacked. Of course it all came back to bite me in the arse! Fast forward 10 yrs – scene: my living room; characters: me and visiting nurse (post-partum). She has just examined my recent c-section and pronounced me “healing nicely” and then claps her hands together and says “Well, where is he?”, to which I reply “where is who?” and she laughs and pats my arm and says “The baby, of course”. Well, then it was my turn to tell her about MY stillbirth. I spent the next 20 minutes praying she wouldn’t faint from the shock of it all! Egads, when they say it comes full circle, they ain’t joking.

  19. *everyone knows, I meant.

  20. Dario: You know, I think something like that might’ve been said.

    Deborah: Ouch. Probably better that way though.

    Blarneyman: She’s probably in the early loved-up stage of the relationship where she thinks he can do no wrong.

    Orfhlaith: God that’s tough, carrying to term. About 18 months ago, Linzi had a miscarriage, and I know how awful that was, but to get to full term must have been really difficult. It’s weird that you were so concerned about her when I’m sure she was the one who was wondering how she could’ve been so stupid.

  21. My mother-in-law (God bless her soul) was at the funeral of her brother-in-law who’d died in a car accident. His daughter and wife were in the car, and his wife died too, the day before his funeral. My mother-in-law was talking to the bereaved and injured niece at the funeral-tea after the open-casket service.
    My MIL: “They did a very good job making Dick look presentable after his head had been all bashed in like it was.”
    Her Niece (stunned): “Oh. Oh yes, yes they did a very good job.”
    My MIL (blissfully oblivious) continued: “Of course, we’d all been telling him for years to stop driving but he wouldn’t listen, and now he’s dead and it killed my sister too and nearly killed you. You should really have insisted on driving you know. But you musn’t think it was your fault! The Lord takes us all when our time comes and none of us knows the hour.”
    Her Niece: “Yes. That is what happened. Can I get you some more coffee, Aunt Edna? (Limps off.)”

    The thing is, Edna had not a mean bone in her body. She just had no idea how she came across sometimes. She was unwittingly blunt, amazingly tactless and sailed through life never knowing the impact of some of the things she said. Her niece and all her family knew her heart well enough to know she didn’t want to cause distress so nobody ever challenged her on anything she said. The Problem Husband and his sister and niece and I used to do most of the cringing and apologizing for her in her wake, as she sailed on obliviously.

    That was a particularly excruciating one though.

  22. I once carried out a post-mortem and after I’d left the operating theatre one of my colleagues asked me how Mr Smith’s appendicectomy had gone.

    I am called Foot Eater, though, after all.

  23. Nice day for it? Really, Kav?

    I made a customer cry one day by asking her about her dad. Turns out he abused her and then he had died recently. Hm.

  24. Kav, I don’t think she was thinking she was stupid, I think she was thinking “How the fuck do I get out of here?” and also “I’ll kill the bloody miscreant who screwed up the paperwork and made me think I had a live one!”
    As for me, I was in a permanent state of shock so not much was getting through other than me thinking “If she falls over in my living room, there is NO way I am going to be able to pick her up by myself”. Also, it all happened 15 years ago and time has a way of diminishing the pain, not that it will ever go away, mind.

  25. About a quarter century ago, or thereabouts, I was working in a pub in Milton Keynes. The landlord, Trevor was a decent sort but he used to say some really cruel things to people, and just think he was slagging them off in a good-natured way.

    One regular, and old Irish bloke called Dave Scully was well able for him, and so Trevor used to really lay on the insults to him. One day the banter between them was getting more and more intense (all good natured up to this point), when Trevor said something like “For fuck’s sake Scully, why don’t you contract some terminal illness and just die?”

    You know what’s coming next, don’t you? Poor old Scully had cancer, and was dead within a month.

    The one good thing to come out of it was that Trevor learned to moderate his banter.

  26. I worked for Bord Gais for a year and we had a girl inthe office who lets just say wasn’t blessed in the looks department.That never stopped the girl in question who arrived into work every morning usually wearing the dirty stop out clothes from the night before having scored with yet another bloke from the office.The guys were actually horrible little brats because they called her Manimal (remember the tv show?) but they all ‘fell’ for her charms.
    Anyway, one morning in the canteen, she was sitting at the same table as me and looked a bit sad so I asked her if she was okay….kind?, yes except I said ‘Are you okay manimal?’….Jesus, I couldn’t talk for half an hour and my face stayed read for the afternoon.

  27. Oh my God, I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard at comments.

    Being a Sagittarius, I am a sufferer of Foot-In-Mouth Disease. Thankfully, also due to being a Sagittarius, I never remember any of them.

  28. Getting drunk with the woman from next door…
    Her: Yer Dad loves you, you know?
    Me: ….yeah, I know…..
    Her: No, he really does love you, even though yer not his.
    Me: ?!

    More funny than sad. I knew anyway, they had just never told me themselves.

  29. Me: Why do men die before their wives?

    New neighbour: I don’t know.

    Me: Because they want to hahahahahahaha!!!

    New neighbour: I’m a widow.

  30. Um, yeah, just remembered one…. There was that time I e-mailed you, and…. Never mind.

  31. Yes, here’s a subtle one:
    4 cunts plus 1, ah! make it 2 an’ a, fuck it!. How’s that for starters.
    Funny, how death and sex and love and life; like laughin’ an’ cryin’ are all rolled into one. My Sincere Condolences. Y’s: Paddy.

  32. This one time, I rang my very recently bereaved friend to complain about how my phone had just died.

  33. first of all ye bastards and yere good weather. We are being drowned in rain here on th’Easht Coasht of Merikay.
    Kav good luck on your interview.
    Hope you get a nice day for it

  34. Went home at christmas and was introduced to a guy in a pub who was from the town I went to school in. He asked me about one of the teachers and I started rabbiting on about how she was our crazy hockey teacher and was way too enthusiastic about tucking our shirts firmly into our skirts. He then said “can I stop you right there, thats my mother your talking about…” Nearly died. On the spot.

  35. Heh, some great ones in there. Sorry, nae time to reply individually this morning, I’m off to have my fate decided by men in suits. Keep them coming though, if you like. Cheers.

  36. I approached a table last week with two plates of crab claws. I announced them but no one ponied up to having ordered them. Lifting my voice some what louder i bellowed “excuse me i have crabs, who wants them?

    Table of 6 business wankers thought it was very funny indeed. I dont go red very often but…

  37. A teacher I know was taking an assembly one morning when she spotted two older boys teasing and jostling a younger boy, who was visibly agitated.

    “Would you two stop badgering that boy!”, she said, and the entire hall erupted in laughter as the younger boy, who had a distinctive grey streak in his hair, went pale. Turned out his nickname was Badger.

  38. A few years ago I was dining out at a work-related do in Cooke’s restaurant in Dublin. At another table were Neill Jordan who I recognized and that grey-haired author bloke, what’s his name, literary editor of the Irish Times. A few glasses of wine, and I became Princess-Drunk/ingratiating-oneself=with-the-rich-and famous.
    I sashayed over to their table. “Mr. Zhordan”, I gushed, “I jhust want to say that you are a big fan of… I mean I am a big fan of yourzh. And you to Mr. eh….McGahern!!”

    Grey-haired man says….”I’m John Banville”

    “I knew that” sez me.

    *slinks back to table, rictus grin on face, MORTO*

  39. Manuel: Heh, nicely done. And welcome along.

    hugh: We had a badger at school as well! There’s always one.

    Glinda, excellent work. Are you available for after-dinner speeches?

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