So, how did it go?

April 17, 2007 at 9:41 am | Posted in jobs | 34 Comments

There was no man holding a placard to greet me. There was no man at all. If I believed in omens, this would surely have been a portent of doom, a sure sign the interview was destined to be a disaster. Fortunately, I don’t believe in such omens, because, in spite of what yesterday’s post may have said, I am not a cunt.

Rather disconcerting though. I was at sea in Birmingham all by myself. Well no, kav, you was at the airport. Let’s not confuse things.

Luckily they had an emergency contact number for just such eventualities. When I phoned, the girl told me there was a taxi with my name on it on its way. Sure enough, within minutes, it arrived:

kav's cab

Interview was…hard to tell. It was full of questions from the Inane Interview Manual. Unlike the first interview, which was mostly techy stuff and therefore easy to talk about, this one was all about my personality (just as John and Mairéad and EashtGalwayWoman said it would be). Strengths, weaknesses, how I’d fit in, and so forth. One thing’s for sure: I do want this. They seem like a really good company, and this time, I will be gutted if it’s a no. I should find out by next Monday, at the latest.

The excitement about going down to Birmingham to their state-of-the-art facilities had been building up for me since last week, when I found out that their canteen serves free food. I hope I didn’t look too dismayed when, at 12.15 (right before lunch…sigh), they shepherded me off-site to a waiting taxi. I had to content myself with having a three-course airport meal and knowing they’d be picking up the £20 tab.

Here is something I learned in the airport lounge yesterday: watching MTV with the sound turned down has the potential to induce epileptic convulsions. I watched five songs in a row where no one scene was on-screen for longer than two seconds. Most flashed past in half a second. I’m convinced there were subliminal sex messages in those videos, because I had a fierce horn on me for the rest of the day.

Heading home, the flight was almost cancelled. We were halfway down the runway when the pilot slammed on the brakes. The intercom crackled to life moments later “Ladies and gentlemen, we’re having a problem with the frost prevention mechanism on our left engine, we’re going to have to head back to the terminal so an engineer can take a look – hopefully he will just need to give it a whack with a hammer and we’ll be on our way.”

What a cunt. I bet he’s the kind of deluded, self-important gobshite who laughs at his own jokes while everyone else cringes inwardly, willing him to shut the fuck up before he makes himself look like an even bigger tool.

Twenty minutes later, after the engineer had given the engine a wallop with his magic hammer, we were in the air. I got chatting to a woman, and it turns out she works for the company I had my interview for! What a coincidence. We had a great chat about it on the way up to Glasgow.

She hates the place. She handed in her notice last week, having only been there a year.

Balls.

The most valuable lesson I took from yesterday’s experience was never, ever have extra-spicy fajitas the night before an interview. Trust me on this.

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34 Comments »

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  1. If you did a Galway Fart, you’re fucked.

    Ah, best of luck. I really really hope they offer you the job.

    PS: I did that to the taxi. D’you know how much Tippex went on there?

  2. “because I had a fierce horn on me for the rest of the day.” i think i predicted that yesterday.

    “What a cunt. I bet he’s the kind of deluded, self-important gobshite who laughs at his own jokes”
    I bet he’s asked people if they can get out and push!

  3. After meeting some of the people, is it a job you actually want? Just wondering? Do you dislike the job you have now or are you looking for more money/ better conditions?
    I love my job (but am giving up work soon) but I so hate interviews! (Even worse are interviews with agencies who then never stop ringing you for years).
    Good luck with it!

  4. Hope ye get it and it turns out to be awesome.

    Why can’t all interviews be like the one I did with my old boss 11 years ago?

    He had quit the place we all worked in a few months previously and was doing his own start-up. I’d just got a slap in the face pay-rise and decided I’d had enough of being treated like dirt by drones. So I sent him my CV. A few days later we met for a chinese lunch in Dundrum and talked about what a bunch of cunts the old company was. Then he hired me. Best job ever.

  5. If I can be a boring Dad for a sec, stop saying Cunt, Kav. It doesn’t suit ya.

    Good luck with the job.

  6. Sweary: Ta. Dunno, but it must’ve been a lot. Especially because you had done both sides.
    ~
    manuel: You may well be right. Classic flying “humour”.
    ~
    Aisling, yes, I do want it, but I don’t know if it’s for the right reasons. I keep second-guessing myself.
    ~
    Conor: Thankee kindly. Now that’s an interview. One of the guys I work with got a new job in a similar situation – he met the partner for a pint at lunchtime. The bastard.
    ~
    blarneyman: Thanks. Not sure what the deal is about me saying cunt. Sometimes I say it, sometimes I don’t. It’s just a word to me. Why would saying cunt not “suit” me, but suit, for example, Sweary or Twenty? I don’t think I say it with any more regularity than they do.

  7. As a former resident of Birmingham I’m intrigued to see how you might fare with life there.

    It’s hard to avoid those wanky kind of personality interviews when going for the bigger firms but hopefully that will mostly be to establish that you’re not a serial killer rather than that you are suitable for the job which will have been established already by the first interview.

    Oh, and doubtless the woman on the plane also regrets your extra-spicy fajitas.

  8. Eolaí, I just realised I’ve probably given the misleading impression that the job is based in Birmingham – it isn’t. It’s based in Glasgow, but all the top boys are in Birmingham, so they wanted me to come down to give me the once-over. I don’t think I would live in Birmingham, not that I have anything against the place.
    ~
    Incidentally, because I am really fucking bored and slightly irked about why people don’t think I should say cunt (you’re not the only one Blarneyman), I just did a quick scan of March and April’s posts in Sweary’s, Twenty’s, and my own blog. Sweary has 46 posts with 34 cunts, or 0.74 cunts per post; Twenty has 56 posts with 60 cunts, or 1.07 cunts per post. I have 38 posts with 21 cunts, or 0.55 cunts per post. So why does nobody chide them for it, eh?

    And by the way, the sad fact that I have even looked up this info makes me a cunt of the highest order. Unspeakable, some might say. Snarf.

  9. CUNT.

  10. Here’s hoping all goes well, and as for extra spicy fajitas – you must have been farting like a divil.

    As for MTV, I think it’s designed more to be hypnotic than epileptic.

  11. Perhaps the shnakey buggers didn’t send the chauffeur to see how you react to contingencies? No, maybe that’s too junior Microsoft.
    Fajitas, bloody hell. Let me add that to the candidate prep speech.
    OK let’s look for hints – did they talk about your availability to start? Did they start mulling over the logistics of getting a desk and computer set up? Or were they the smiling knowingly types. ?

    Did you get business cards and right now are you writing your follow up thank you note which highlights your obvious strengths and clearly states what an asset, (no don’t use asset – might prompt a fajita thought) what a good match you are for the company and role.

    Crossing fingers for you.
    And as to the cunts per post maybe reduce it to .50 cunts per post. That way you are only ever a half a cunt of a blogger.

    Your technical recruiter friend (ie spawn of satan)

  12. I’m sure it went really well, spicy fart be damned. Monday eh, bit of a bollocks that. But oh well. If you get this job you’ll be moving to Birmingham lock stock and barrel?

  13. MJ: Touché

    dario: Wasn’t farts, believe it or not – just an incredible number of poos. Six before the interview, four before I had even left the house that morning. Ouch.

    EGW: The way I see it, my first interviewer, who would be my future boss, is very keen to hire me, and he was all full of those types of questions. However, these guys were far more senior than him – Director level – and therefore were making a much more measured analysis of how I’d fit it. I didn’t leave the interview jumping with excitement, but neither did I leave full of trepidation. And thanks. I’ll see what I can do about the cunt thing.

    FMC: I hope so. they did say they would try to get back to me by Friday – Monday at the latest – so you never know, I might have some news by the weekend.
    ~
    And no, I definitely won’t be moving to Birmingham – the job’s based in the city centre in Glasgow, so it’s much less travel. They only wanted me to come to Birmingham to save them having to come up to see me, as far as I can tell.

  14. Don’t mind what yer wan on the plane said about the company being bollox. That’s her opinion.

    So far, you’ve had good vibes about the place, and even still had after the meeting in Brum. My god, I’d probably kill myself if I had to live there again (visited it 4 years ago after a gap of 5 years, and it was even worse than I remembered… but still had a good time there then).

    Anyway. Spicy farts and stingy poos… keep you awake and alert. I bet you had a right good posture during the interview trying to keep them all in, eh? And I bet that impressed them!

  15. AM, long time no see. It had mostly cleared up by the time of the interview. The worst part was the drive to the airport that morning – Glasgow traffic played havoc with my bowels.

  16. Well done on interview. Although as someone mentioned yesterday if you go get it then blogging will reduce which is VERY bad. Good luck anyway.

    Sorry to agree with Blarney but you are just not a C*nt kind of guy. Nothing to do with frequency. It’s like Ronan Keating injecting heroin.

  17. Damn, i need an auto-cunt widget/button on my new blog to keep up with the Jones’ (cunts) . It will just sprinkle some cunts into any new post thereby rendering me an even bigger cunt than all these other cunts………………………

    I’ll try it now………….

    cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt……..oh well, looks like it needs some tweaking.

    G’luck on the job thing though……..i’ve been lurking around you and sweary and some more for a while now and i think you’re all a shower of sound cunts.

  18. … just an incredible number of poos. Six before the interview, four before I had even left the house that morning. Jayzez, that musta been a cunt, that. An arse like the Japanese flag I imagine. Not that I’d be imagining your arse.

    And re: They only wanted me to come to Birmingham to save them having to come up to see me, as far as I can tell. No. They wanted to judge your level of interest. If you would be willing to put yourself out for the company. The no-show by the driver could’ve been part of that too. Mind games by mindless cunts of directors.

    (2 cunts in this comment. 3 if you c(o)unt this. 4 then).

  19. Kav, I sincerely wish you the best with this mate.You seem like a good bloke who enjoys liife and lives for his wife and children, I know, I have one.He works his arse of to keep us all happy and give us the best.You’re a capable intelligent man with a hoor of a sense of humour which at times has made both my husband and I laugh long and loud and if they aren’t intelligent enough to cop on to that it will be to their great loss.
    Good luck you cunt! and I mean that in the best possible and most ladylike (if one can be a lady and still say cunt) way.

  20. Ah Jaysus – I’d love to see you getting the job. It’d be great. I’ll light a wee candle for you at the weekend and we’ll see if my hokey voodoo shit really does work.

  21. I disagree. You are a cunt.

    Good luck with the whole interview outcome.

  22. Kav, I thought about asking you before assuming the Brum move but figured it would have the same effect anyway. Shame you won’t be moving there – your life would have been miserable but think how much more fun that would have made your blog.

    Could you not do a bar chart with those cuntstats? Ya know it would be perfect in Sitemeter’s green and purple colour scheme for posts and cunts. Cuntmeter?

    And I think you use it just fine.

  23. Glad to hear it went well, Kav. Here’s hoping, eh.

  24. She must have been planted there. What are the odds of just “running into” someone who works for that exact company?

    They wanted to know if you would talk. Haven’t you ever seen The Firm?

  25. On the job topic: I only “know” you through your blog, but I have a feeling if the interview was based around personality, you’re a shoe-in my friend, cuz you gots personality plus.

    On the cunt topic: I think you’re the victim of reverse discrimination. Clearly, the fact that you don’t, in fact, possess a cunt reduces your right to say it in the minds of some people.I’ve just said it twice, but I’m allowed: I have one.

  26. Nyaaah. So your woman on the plane didn’t like them. So what?

    Cunt is just a word, like minge or plasterboard.

    I think you mean with more frequency, because regularity could mean once a year. That’s me being a pedantic cunt.

    Thanks for the suggestion about the gun freaks. You were right.

    Cunt.

  27. flirty: I can’t fucking believe you compared me to Ronan Keating. The cunt. But thanks – you’re right, the blogging would undoubtedly drop off, if not cease altogether, which is not somethign I want, but I might not be able to do anything about it. Bah.
    ~
    derfen: Cheers, hope you stick at the blogging.
    ~
    sneezy: Ooooh, mind games, you reckon? Interesting. I don’t know if they would use such tactics though.
    ~
    Is it just me: Thanks very much, I really appreciate that. You can tell your man I have recovered from my triple R – see if he knows what I’m on about.
    ~
    Pinkie: Thanks. Fingers crossed. You don’t have a little doll-kav to stick pins in, do you?
    ~
    Niolk: Thanks mang. You cunt.
    ~
    Eolaí: Cuntstats, interesting. I might have to do a bar chart. I take it you didn’t enjoy your time down in Birmingham?
    ~
    sam: Fo’ sho’, ma nizzle, fo’ sho’.
    ~
    Cindy: Holy crap, you’re right. That’s why she was dressed so provocatively, to loosen my tongue.
    ~
    whyioughtta: Ah, I’m really riding the crest of a wave of nice compliments lately. Except for Niolk, the cunt. But thanks very much.
    ~
    Bock: I love pedantic cunts. I am one. By the way, I had to resurrect your comment from the spam. Not sure what happened there.
    ~
    You dudes are awesome. Now fuck off, I’m getting dressed.

  28. Because Sweary is deranged, and Twenty is an asshole. But you’ve shown the good grace to encourage me with my writing and thus aren’t a complete mentalist who needs to use the word cunt to be funny.

  29. Now I have said cunt way too much today and I feel all foul and ugly.

  30. Fair enough, though I do take exception to Twenty being called an asshole. I mean, it’s not like I know him, but from my brief contact with him, he’s been nothing but gentlemanly. Honestly. Don’t forget that how one conveys their personality online need not reflect reality. I could be a horrific bastard and nobody would ever know. Muahahahaha.

    I agree that Sweary is deranged though. In the best possible way. I myself am slightly unusual.

  31. Late as ever, but best of luck!

  32. Thanks looby. I got a call yesterday asking for my current pay and conditions, and Linzi seems to think that’s a good thing. We’ll wait and see.

  33. Jesus Kav, let me know when you have the baby; you’ve got to be the first ever. If you can do it then I’ll giv it a try. Y:-) Paddy

  34. […] the thing: I’ve got that job. I’ve definitely got that job. However, I have not yet received the formal offer – […]


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