The right to arm bears

April 19, 2007 at 11:44 am | Posted in gun violence in America, guns, the right to arm bears, the right to bear arms | 18 Comments

should we arm bears?

In light of the recent horror at Virginia Tech in the US, there’s been a lot of talk about whether or not we should arm bears. The second amendment to the US Constitution specifically states

“A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free Bear, the right of the People to keep and arm bears shall not be infringed.”

And those two short lines, my friends, are what is causing all this bother.

There are two main groups in the bear community, one of whom is vehemently pro-arming themselves, while the other suggests that the US government should take far more involvement in the regulation of bears’ arms. A third, minor faction supports the notion that bare-armed bears who bear arms must arm bears only in extreme situations requiring the use of deadly force (for example, when the bear community is at war), but their voice is often lost in this fiercely-contested debate.

There is no doubt that bear-related violence is highly prevalent in US culture. Movies such as Brother Bear, where an unarmed bear is brutally murdered by vicious Native Americans, and television series’ such as Grizzly Adams, where unarmed grizzly bear Ben often had no defence save his sheer bulk when confronting grizzled old 1890’s prospectors, have popularised the notion that weaponless bears are defenceless against the cruel hand of man.

However, there are those who think arming bears would be a step in the wrong direction. In an oft-referenced episode of The Simpsons, Homer claims to be “sick of these constant bear attacks”. With unprovoked bear attacks at an all-time high, is now really the time to provide them with high-powered semi-automatic weapons? And what do the bears themselves think? I took to the streets to find out.

“Bears are dying, man. We’re on the way out. Everywhere we look, we’re being killed off. The only way we can fight through it is if we’re equipped with double-action .45 ACP semi-automatic pistols”, an anonymous immigrant bear from Peru (now living in Compton Forest on the outskirts of LA), told me today. When I challenged his view by saying that arming bears may only exacerbate an already difficult situation, the bear, who asked to be referred to only as “Paddington”, dismissed me with a swipe of his paw. “Pshaw, no way man. Read the second amendment. God wants us to have guns, man. On the streets of these woods, it’s kill or be killed. If you ain’t packin, you’ll be six feet under in an enormous, bear-shaped coffin. Straight up, bear.”

“Paddington” may have a point. After recent events in the Hundred-Acre Wood, where well-known homosexual bear Winnie the Pooh was found murdered by erstwhile lover Christopher Robin after a falling-out, investigators at the scene of the crime confirmed that had Pooh been brandishing a Glock 9mm instead of a bowl of delicious sweet honey, he may never have been killed. As it was, Christopher Robin escaped with third-degree stickiness over 30% of his body, while Pooh ended up in a pine box.

There are no easy answers, but one thing is clear: the bears have a voice, and they’re damn well going to use it. Watch out, America.



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  1. that’s the kind of attitude which will polarise bears

  2. Heh, very good. Ice miled at that one.

  3. Bet Goldilocks won’t be so keen to sleep in their beds when she finds out about the AK47.

  4. There was much the same views expressed in this mornings Bearly Legal magazine, the magazine for bears who practice law.

  5. I believe guns are really a bear necessity of life.

  6. Yeah… It’s times like these that I really love my country (I also love it when our president makes wise war decisions). Of course the founders thought that insane people should be able to buy guns near schools and amo at Wal-Mart. Oh, and bears too. Smokey, get yer gun.

    That little phrase in the Constitution needs to go. Now.

  7. Jesus, Kav. You have some talent there.

  8. I for one am wholly in favour of arming our furry friends. Having had multiple problems with the trunk-monkey i acquired on e-bay 4 years ago (he carried a crowbar but was prone to sleeping on the job) i now have a grizzly armed to the teeth sitting in a custom-made turret on top of my car. He hasn’t a word of english, but he knows when some cunt’s being a cunt.

  9. Well I have decided it may be safer here in the leb if I started carring a Gun. I am going to go shooting tonight will post pictures and injury list soon.

  10. There are so many problems with armed bears in this country. Look only to Chicago and that gang of thugs called, Da’Bears. They even tried to export their violence to New Orleans a few years ago. Their leader Ditka is now found on TV all fall and winter talking incessently about Da’Bears. Something must be done about Da’Bears!!!

  11. Don’t tell me they’ve unionised! Soon we’ll have the Bear Liberation Army \and the whole lot. Socialists will adobt its leader as their spiritual hero and perhaps America will be taken over by AK-wielding grizzlies.

    On the upside, they would be better than Bush.

  12. You’re right about the South Central LA Municipal Woods, Kav. I once volunteered in a home for battered bears down there and the place is a jungle. This one ex-prostitute, a Miss Honeykunt, told me that no picnic area was safe any more now that Y’Ogi Bear had claimed the turf. Average bears, who he was smarter than, were in thrall to his magnetic personality and had singed pictures of peanut butter’n’jelly sandwiches into their left forearms. Many wore Wonderbread bags like bandanas and had been sent to advances menacing classes in the High Sierra. But trouble was blowing after a schism in the gang. Boux-Boux, Y’Ogi’s former second had split and formed the Red Riding in the Hood gang, oblivious to the fact that there are no bears in that story. Boux-Boux, or Doublebuh as he’s often known, is stupid, a reformed alcoholic with all the zealotry of the converted, and is therefore highly dangerous. He wants to avenge his father for some shit that went down in Eye-Rock years ago and in which he now believes Y’Ogi played a key part. The paper trail connecting Y’Ogi with the shit is tenuous at best but Boux-Boux couldn’t care less. The last public thing he said was, “I want the assinine ursine arse of Y’Ogi served to me for breakfast with my Honey Bunches of Oats and a nice chianti. He tried to do something chilling with his lips but bears don’t have lips so he slobbered malevolently instead.

    The bear wars continue.

  13. Them feckin’ bears have the place wrecked.Wrecked! Them and the feckin’ Immegants.

  14. Even the bears are armed in the States? Shi’ite, that place is gone teh hell!

  15. There’s plenty of mileage in these bear jokes, isn’t there? Excellent.

  16. ProblemChildBride-HAHAHAHAHA!

  17. Ok, what the fuck are we talking about here?

  18. (-_-)

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