The Fat Factor

April 26, 2007 at 9:27 am | Posted in health, not turning into a disgusting fat fucking blob of lard | 46 Comments

My manager got back from a holiday in Texas yesterday. His sister lives there, so he’s over two or three times a year. Every time he comes back, he brings a four-pound bag of gummi bears (approximate content: 800 bears) for us in the office. To emulate the excesses of the country the sweets come from, we do our best to demolish the full bag in one sitting. Until yesterday, I held the record for stuffing the most gummi bears in my mouth at once, with 37. I obliterated my own long-standing record yesterday afternoon, by cramming in 40 of the chewy little bastards. One of the lads got a pic of my hamster cheeks with a revolutionary new device known as a camera phone, a portable communications apparatus with built-in photographic technology. He’s going to transmit the picture to me using an innovative technique called electronic mail. When he does, I’ll stick it up here, on the notice board.

Although the gummi bears contained real fruit juice, and so could hardly be considered unhealthy, my ridiculous overconsumption of junk food in recent weeks is taking its toll. I’m feeling a bit bloated and the mere sight of Reese’s Pieces is enough to turn my stomach. I’ve got a wedding coming up in early August, which I’m best man for. It’s back home in Galway, which means I’ll be bumping into a lot of people (including ex-girlfriend who’s best friends with the bride and is also likely to be a bridesmaid, though that’s yet to be confirmed. Could be an interesting first dance.), so I want to give people minimum ammunition for gossip.

As of next Monday, my snack fodder is limited to fruit, and fruit alone. Feel like gorging on chocolate and crisps? Eat fruit instead! Soup for lunch, whatever for dinner, as long as it’s not fucking leaves. Booze at weekends only. Back into routine, 100 sit-ups, 100 push-ups a day. Back playing football. Running a few times a week.

Keep this up for all of May, June and July, and I’ll be a healthy specimen by August 4th.

Starting this new routine on Monday means that I must eat and drink like a motherfucker for the next few days, gorge like the gluttonous swine that I am. Make the most of the short time I have left to enjoy food.

Anyway, wish me luck. I have no willpower whatsoever, so I probably won’t last a month. Come to think of it, my birthday’s in May. Ah sure I’ll never avoid the junk food on my birthday. I may as well leave getting healthy until June.

Yeah, I’ll start in June. Or maybe July.



RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

  1. Feck the diet and just bamboozle them with your insane moves on the dance floor. or something.

  2. Conor, I avoid dancing like tinkers avoid soap and water. I have all the rhythm of a bull elephant.

  3. But isn’t terrible dancing the whole point of weddings? That and unintenionally insulting people and finding some chick crying in the bathroom somewhere over something or other and then getting drunk? You mean there are other reasons folk go?

  4. U could always dip ur strawberries in daquiri (as i recently read on some piece of news), or ur oranges/clementines in drambuie, or have ur bananas with a sip of Glenmorangie.

    Also, u could do the same thing with chocolate. Oranges covered in dark chocolate (I am sure Linzie knows how to use a bain-mari, she could show u), or bananas, or even… U can get ur chicken cooked with honey and sesame.

    Plenty of healthy food that can be cooked fast and not be junk. And it tastes delicious. Sometimes, I consider mediterranean-ness to be a genetic advantage when it comes to food 🙂 (just like Irishness, when it comes to humour)

  5. But sure all the more reason – it would definitely take attention away from any unwanted extra baggage until everyone is too drunk to notice any way

  6. It’ll be hard, Kav. And if you eat nothing but fruit you will destroy your metabolism and will actually put ON weight when you return to normal food. Plus you will burn out your guts from all the acidity in fruit and you won’t lose any weight because your body will be in shock and will plataue your weight loss. Eat a bran breakfast. Have salad or fruit for lunch and don’t eat any bread, pasta, potatoes after 6pm. Plus run. Running/Swimming is the best way to burn fat.

  7. FMC, very true, but my overpowering self-consciousness does not even permit me to “let it all hang out” and just go for it. How I’d love to be one of those people who just don’t give a shit.

    Speaking of unintentionally insulting people, I’d better get started on my speech.

    itelli, though it does sound lovely, your proposals also sound very expensive. Got any tips on eating healthy on a budget? We tried Gillian McKeith for one month and our shopping costs tripled. TRIPLED! I’m not exaggerating.

  8. Conor, I’ll see if I can work myself up to it.

    Blarneyman: A fistful of All-Bran for breakfast, you can’t beat it. Still though, how do I avoid eating that stuff after 6pm when I only get in from work at 6pm?

  9. Kav just cur out eating Carbs after six and a Good 8 k stroll every second day will sort you out. Dont cut down on drink look on it as a reward for the walk. Also walking helps you destress from the days work, makes you feel less hungry and allows you to drink guilt free.

    I wnet down from 15 stone to the magnificant specimen I am now with the above plan. Actually drinking more now with less hangovers.

    Of course the walking pace should be lively 12/13 minute mile pace.

  10. You should never rush into exercising, you might strain something. And without wanting to sound too cliched, it’s the thought that counts!

  11. MacD, The carbs thing seems to be a big deal, doesn’t it? My heaviest was 14.5 stone, and I’m hovering just over 13 at the moment, but I can hide it well. I’m aiming to get to 12.5, and tone up a bit. Cheers for the tips.

  12. Barry, welcome along. That’s what I keep telling Linzi as well – the fact that I’m thinking about it surely warrants a reward snack.

    I’m not too unfit, and I already walk about two miles a day, so I should be okay getting back into things.

  13. I don’t find healthy eating that expensive to be completely honest with you Kav. Just try to buy in season. E.g I’m going to mix blue berries with natural yogurt in a while and steam some broccoli and grill a chicken breast. Doesn’t cost much, totally healthy and the blueberries were half the price as they would be in January.
    Takes a bit of getting used to, but with a bit of effort you get the hang of it. I don’t really eat anything frozen any more and most of my meals are cooked from scratch. Of course you’re not working from home so you need to put a bit more thought into it, but buy a couple of small tupperware pots and start making up food the night before and bring it with you. Sweetcorn and tuna mixed with whole grain pasta, olive and feta cheese with some chopped red pepper and black pepper with a dash of oil, pork seems to cheap at the moment so buy some and grill it, but add honey and glaze it first and then layer it into a pitta with some roasted green pepper. Yum.
    The main trick is try not to succumb to ready made stuff, it’s loaded with salt and empty calories. And watch the beer, run a couple of times a week and see if you can add some resistance training in, muscle uses a lot calories, way more than fat, and you should be a demi-god by the time the wedding comes about.
    You can still eat after six, but try not to eat a load of carbs, more protein, less carbs after six, try to get most of your carb intake earlier in the day, that’s when you need it most anyway.

  14. Oh, and don’t starve yourself -ever, worst thing you can do to your body, and always always eat breakfast.Gets the metabolism up and running. Smaller meals, but more of them is a good way to go.

  15. You don’t have a potatoe sandwiches as most Irish do. You eat a large lunch and you have a light dinner, you should have chicken and vegetables and trust me you’ll get into it and the weight will gradually drop by about 1-2lbs per week.

  16. I exercise five days a week, but it’s only because the building next door to ours is a gym and I really love going on my lunch break for an 1hr and a quarter. Soon, I’m going swimming, yesterday I was doing weights and ran for 20 minutes. It feels great to do something that has nothing but positive side-effects on every aspect of your person.

  17. Kav every thing Mrs Cat says is good except for the Beer, dont watch the beer drink it. Drink it as a reward for all the walking . Never cut out the beer. Carbs after six bad beer good. Carbs before six good beer before six Great. And spicy food is very good and also raw food gets burned quicker. I eat a lot of raw fish and meat over here sure tastes good too.

    Breakfast very Good Beer For breakfast usually means no sleep.

  18. Camera phone, you say? The world I grew up in is dead …

    And by the way, you call yourself unhealthy? I live off pizza, chicken baguettes, and lasanga (however the hell it’s spelt). And that’s before I go to the shop for the midnight Doritos.

    Surprisingly I’m not too overweight, but I still need to shed about a stone and retake my place as a God among men.

    Drink at least four pints of water a day too. That helped me back when I played rugby.

  19. Don’t go to the wedding. See. All the dieting problems solved.

  20. You big girl’s blouse – a diet indeed. What kind of man are you? Other than slightly chubby.

  21. FMC, great stuff. Allow me to share an email I just got from Linzi on the back of your comment:


    was just reading your blog about all your plans for healthy eating and reading some of the very helpful comments and suggestions made by everyone but seriously…can you imagine your face if I gave you a steamed chicken breast and some broccoli for dinner???”

    This is because she knows I would probably eat one of the kids for dessert if this is all I got for dinner. I really need to work on my portion sizes.
    Blarneyman, I always feel good when I do exercise, but once I get out of the routine it takes me ages to get back into it. That’s where I’m stuck at the moment.
    MacD: I’ve made a pact with myself to stick to drinking at the weekend. The weekend starts at 6pm Friday and ends midnight Sunday, so that’s a good 54 hours of inebriation.
    Dario: Yes yes, wawther is good too. My problem is food in general – I love the taste of it, so I eat it all, no matter what it is.
    Sneezy: The thought crossed my mind, but I’m best man. What can I do?
    flirty: NOWHERE did I mention the word diet, hey. I’m just resorting to eating normal portions of food and avoiding forty-odd snacks a day. And I am a regular man, not yet chubby but heading that way if I don’t watch it.

  22. When i read “I don’t find healthy eating that expensive to be completely honest with you Kav. Just try to buy in season. E..” by fatmammycat i though she was advocating class A drugs as a means to getting fit. I was confused by the “in season” bit though as i have never come across fresh spring E’s.

    I need to concentrate more. You need to eat less. If you saw me you would be entitled to scream now…

  23. You DO lose a lot of weight on an E diet Manuel but it’s mostly because you don’t eat Saturday night to Wednesday-apart from your own cheek-and then on Thursday only a banana cause you read some place it could replace all the serotonin you’ve destroyed, Marmp. Oh how we all fell madly for that one.
    Any hoo, your good lady wife knows you best Kav, but do try, it does get easier. And don’t steam the chicken, grill it, steamed chicken tastes like tap water in Galway.

  24. Kav, you eat what you want you fat pig bastard! lmao, I’m kidding. You don’t have just steamed chicken and brocoli, you can stuff yourself but just with good food. Why brocoli? Why not coleslaw, salad; tomatoes, ham, lettuce, cucumber, etc.

    And Flirty, dieting is not for just girls, it’s for smart people who respect how their body works and want to remain fit and healthy! So there!

  25. I hope you have better willpower than me Kav – I swore off the drink for January. Lasted till the 3rd.

  26. I haven’t had gummy bears in years. Yum.

    Good luck with the healthy eating. I eat all organic and allow myself to have junk food 1 day a week, and I feel so much better.

  27. Well good luck too you kav I hope the pact helps. I find pacts like that only cause resentment. I like to walk the 8 k at night and then If I feel like a beer great I’ll have one. 8K 70 minutes not too much time. However I do accept that walking by the Med in 20degrees with a nice getle breeze coming in off the sea sounds a lot better than walking in a drizzling rain in 10 degree Scotland.

  28. manuel: Ever considered a career as a motivational speaker? You’d rake it in.

    FMC: You know, I might go back to the old college diet of booze, frozen shepherd’s pies, and Tayto Snax. I was a slim bastard back then.

    Blarneyman: What about MEAT? I fuckin love meat and can’t live without it. Vegetables are, at best, a side dish.

    looby: That’s probably two days longer than I would’ve lasted.

    Debbie: Good plan – that’s my intention as well. Be normal during the week, then unleash the beast at the weekend.

    MacD: Thanks. I must admit yours sounds slightly more appealing. That’s going to be hard to deal with when you do get home.

  29. Meat is good for you. Eat lots of meat. Fish, chicken, beef … try and avoid pork it’s very fatty and gives you bad cholesterol.

  30. Although it’s how you cook it too. And nothing with any breadcrumbs or batter on it.

  31. Linzi, we are waiting on your post. G’wan let you. We are looking forward to an accurate description of tending toward chubby hubby.

    BTW here chubby has an entirely different meaning with nothing to do with BMI

  32. blarneyman: But breadcrumbs and batter are two of the basic food groups. I don’t know if I can make it.

    EGW: Does it mean “has a massive lad and is brilliant at shagging”? Because I’m a chubby bastard, if that’s the case.

  33. Jesus, I couldn’t even type that with a straight face, never mind read it. Abort Retry Delete

  34. THe widget is just another way of displaying RSS feeds. I have a few for each blog and check them that way. Just another way of getting the good stuff out there!!

  35. I get loads of exercise, eat loads of food, drink too much and weigh a svelte 16 stone.

    Oh, and I’m only 5′ 6″.

    Chicks love it!

  36. As long as you can still see your wee cluster when you look down, you’re fine.

    Toes, man! Toes! Sheesh! Some people.

  37. What’s this all about again? Something about eating rabbit food at a wedding, isn’t it? Adam and Eve did that, so it must be okay. Although, that may have been nibbling at leaves. Sorry – lost now.

  38. The hamster cheeks pic could well become an alternate avatar. In any case, I’m sure I’ll have some use of it further on down the line. I’d like a pic of you stuffing all your orifices, please.

  39. 40 gummis at a time. Good job!

    The thought of the ex seeing you and craving that sexy bod should be enough to keep you on track. I know she can’t have you, but I’m sure you want her to want you.

    What’s a wee cluster?

  40. Ah, but Kav, you haven’t partaken of all the gummi delights. They do amazing things with gummi these days. Last year at the dollar store, I saw an Easter gummi snake. I gave it to my sister (the psychotic hot-pink Peep bunny I gave her this year paled in comparison to the Easter gummi snake). So you shouldn’t swear off the gummi just yet.

    Seriously, good luck. I need to get on the healthier kick myself.

  41. Kav

    The Atkins thing actually works. Drop the carbs. Eat nothing but fried steak with garlic butter for a month and you’ll be grand.

    And remember, beer is 96% water.

  42. Hi Kav- long time listener, short|(!) time caller:-). story bud? carbs rock! it’s late…but we should talk about public expectations… you will only end up disillusioned! (PS… this mail took me 48 mins to type – it skils under conrol or what? alcohohol rockz…how gay is that?

  43. i’m embarrassed…previous efforts not up to scratch…good luck!!!!!

  44. Everyone knows that diets started on a Monday are doomed to fail.
    Start on Tuesday, therefore giving yourself one more day to gorge yourself.

  45. Barry: Ah, I see. Cheers.
    badgerdaddy: I can’t tell if you’re being serious or not. You do loads of training and stuff so I’m inclined to disbelieve…
    sam: I knew you meant toes. If you were referring to the other thing you would’ve said “massive cluster”.
    sneezy: Eating children is what I’m asking about. Is it wrong if you’re really hungry?
    MJ: The bastard forgot to do it. I’ll sort him.
    jali: Hadn’t even thought into that much detail – I just want to avoid any snipey comments, if at all possible. And yeah! 40 gummis, I winner!
    sassy: I could poo gummis right now, I’ve eaten so many. No more, I say.
    bock: Sounds like my kind of diet.
    cantona: How ya doing. I feel like I might know you off the blog, would I be right? Anyway, cheers for stopping by. 48 minutes is a ridiculous effort by the way. Spend two hours on the next one.
    steph: Or maybe Wednesday…

  46. No, really – 16 stone, 5′ 6″. You wouldn’t know it to look at me, admittedly, but it’s true.

    I’m what is pleasantly termed – by me – a fit fat bloke. Very fit, actually. Pert buttocks, too.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Create a free website or blog at
Entries and comments feeds.

%d bloggers like this: