Young Entrepreneurs Award 2007

April 30, 2007 at 12:45 pm | Posted in football, future kings of the business world, neds | 24 Comments

I don’t know if this is a peculiarly Scottish phenomenon, but over here, if you attend a football match (particularly at Parkhead or Ibrox), there are these young lads who hang around the car parks requesting money to “look after” your car while you’re in at the game. Now, you might be think your car is safer without having Rab C Nesbitt Junior hanging around it, but if you think this, you’ve missed the point. Failure to pay the customary pound practically guarantees a panelled windscreen and a missing CD player. For one simple payment, your glass remains crack-free, your tyres inflated. Sounds like a bargain to me.

These little bastards make themselves a fortune every Saturday afternoon. It’s so commonplace and accepted among the fans that checking your pockets to make sure you have change for the “free” car park before you head to the match is second nature with them.

Andy here at work recently tried a different approach with them. Now, Andy’s idea of living dangerously is eating a hot curry and then waiting to see how long he can hold in his poo after it. He’s a fairly reserved kind of lad, and things that seem mundane to you and I excite him greatly. He’s also a bit of a half-wit, as you probably guessed. He once asked me to proof-read a form he was filling in for HR, and in the Emergency Contact section, under “Next of Kin” he had put “Father”. The next line down requested “Contacts Relationship to You”, and Andy had typed “Friendly, but respectful”.

Anyway, Andy was lamenting these little urchins and their illicit parking fees, and decided to do something about it. He brought his dog, a fat little King Charles spaniel that couldn’t have worked up the energy to bark at, never mind bite, an attacker, with him to the match. On arriving at the car park, he was approached by a regular from the hooded contingent requesting the usual pound to mind his car. Andy replied “No, thanks, it’s alright, I’ve got the guard dog with me today.”

“Aye”, replied the crafty little fucker, “but can he put out fires?”

You don’t need me to tell you that Andy paid the tithe.


I signed up for one of those Twitter accounts. You can find me here, though I haven’t the faintest idea why you’d want to. I know I’m not the first person to ask, but is there a practical use to this tool? Besides selling t-shirts, like. Not being (too) facetious, just wondering.


Kim’s asking why he seems to attract more women to his blog than men. Although I can’t be arsed doing any statistical analysis of my comments, I’m pretty sure that the majority of my commenters are women too. Apart from the obvious – my enormous fortune, gigantic two pronged penis (for double the pleasure), and love of puppies – I too am lost as to why this should be the case.



RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

  1. It’s not just Scotland, we have those wee shits here too. Years ago there used to an ould lad around the Green who’d turn up at about seven in the evening-wearing a peaked cap and all- and he would ‘direct’ folk into their parking spaces with screams of ‘LOCK HARD, LOCK HARD!’ Mad as a loon he was.

  2. I never noticed it in Ireland FMC. Probably because in the days when I used to go and watch Galway United, not enough fans turned up to make it worth their while.

  3. Christ I’d forgotten the lock-hard guys. Did they all die or something.

    Just to annoy you Kav, I’ve added you to my list of 4589 friends in Twitter. Betcha feel special.

  4. Ah, cheers Conor. And you’ve reminded me that yes there is a practical use for Twitter! Who could forget your wonderful updates from the night of the Irish Blog Awards? Said updates seemed to mysteriously stop right around the time you won your award…I blame alcohol, for it could hardly be your fault.

  5. I heard that one before, but the location was croke park

  6. Ah yeah, but you never heard it told like that.

  7. Please tell me that Andy at work doesn’t do anything more technical than cleaning the toilets. I can just picture the UK’s energy supply coming to a complete halt, because he pressed the wrong button.

    “gigantic two pronged penis (for double the pleasure)”

    Nightcrawler? Is that you?

  8. I attract more men than women yet you’re all a bunch o’ cunts.

  9. FS: No joke, Andy was let go last week. He’d only been with us six months.

    Who’s nightcrawler? A blogger with two cocks?

    MJ: Takes one to know one, so –

    Oh wait.

  10. Its because you are so sensitive. No really its because women liek leaving comments and men just want to start an argument. Well its as good a reason as I can think of. Unless its because you picture is so apealing ?

    And I too ehard that story about Croke PArk but its always worth re telling. The lock hard boys all go too rich and now its not worth it anymore balme the celtic tiger.

  11. MacDara whaddya mean, men just want to start an argument and we just want to leave comments. Watch me jostle you on the way out before going to the chipper !

  12. Little man citeee fans pulled a move on United fans a few years back. They got their hands on some official looking bib things and stood on some waste ground near Old Trafford. They charged a fiver a car and filled up the spaces in no time. As soon as the match the little bitters fecked off and when the United fans came back they were shocked to find all their cars had parking tickets. Little toe rags. Gonna get it on Saturday.

  13. Seems to be universal.In DC all the best clubs were in a few blocks near the Navy Yard and there were some seriously loony fellas extorting a few bucks to ensure proper marshalling into a parking space on the street.
    One lad I knew used to haggle with them over the few bucks like a tinker and a bish ah caaarpet ma’am (He was Scottish natch) and one memorable night a particularly brazen fucker saw the small roll of case he had peeled a few dollars off of and said “Hey can spare a little more than that”
    Paulie just snatched the cash back off of him and ran him down the street “Ah’llfukkinKillyayacuncha”
    Needless to say I moved the car and took the metro from then on.

  14. They’re everywhere. I pay the fees since I can’t afford broken windows.


  15. Technically I am not complimenting you, I am just pointing out how entertaining the “friendly but respectful” comment happens to be.

    We could swap commenters as I tend to get mainly guys??

  16. MacD: The good thing is that the real life me is a serious disappointment. And starting arguments sounds good. There hasn’t been enough of them recently. It stifles the spirit. I think I’ll be an argumentative prick for the rest of the week, just to see what happens.
    EGW: If there’s chips, you might find my face in your punnet when you open up the bag.
    manuel: Cunning bastards, that’s a good trick.
    Devin: Trains are much less stressful, aren’t they? I prefer my daily read/snooze much more than the drive I used to do.
    jali: Clever bastards. Just like all the antivirus companies who specialise in creating viruses to protect us from.
    flirty: I do like my commenters though. Rather than swap we could share them all. Besides, they won’t be attracted to my blog because I’m not a vivacious redhead with breasticles and the like.

  17. Nightcrawler’s from The X-Men. Some artists and writers have insinuated that he has a forked penis (or two), like some reptiles and snakes.

  18. They’re here too, but we call them scam artists. We used to run into them a lot over at the old Tiger Stadium, but not so much lately. I don’t know that any would have bestirred themselves to do actual damage to the car – it was more like hopeful panhandling.

    One guy tried to hit me up for money after I left a club with a friend. That didn’t fly.

  19. Kav I remember – and I’m long in the tooth- at least 30/5 years ago that happening in Dublin- little knackers we called then without thinking it was synonomous with poor. Funny how we put a name on the less well off to avoid their reality. You’ve got to pick a pocket or two, and 3, 4, and 5 to keep yourself alive. I worked for a while in Dublin as “caretaker” in a “B&B for the homeless. I saw how they were ripped off right left and center by the legalised crooks who are worse bastards. The homeless had to pay a bigger % on the crime we never saw them doing behind our doors. You would be surprised – or maybe not – who’s pockets it ends up in those 50 cents here one euro there. Y:-) Paddy

  20. They actually get away with asking for money and nobody does a thing about it?

    Christ, only in Glasgow.

  21. several years ago I went to visit a friend of mine in Portugal. Every where you go to park in the city are guys, usually winos doing exactly the same thing with the parking. Apparently it’s just accepted as part of the norm.

  22. Jaysus…very disappointed…plagiarism(sic) of the highest order…this joke was copyrighted by hal roach circa noah’s ark…”haven’t heard it told like this before..”my hole…who are you? David fucking Copperfield? Wanna hear a good joke?something original?….i’ll post you something tomorrow….watch his space.

  23. btw kav…your precious galway utd now have nick leeson (yes, that thieving, greedy, money-laundering, fraudulent, obnoxious cunt) as chairman. Be pleased that they haven’t scammed your poxy credit card number to feed the coffers of the club……’ll need more than a guard-dog if this keeps up. Nick “the money was only resting in my account, ted” leeson knows where you live…..because i told him!

  24. I read the EXACT same story in the buke ‘Overheard in Dublin’. Except instead of saying ‘aye’, your man said ‘sound’! How canny!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Create a free website or blog at
Entries and comments feeds.

%d bloggers like this: