Living with me is a sentence.

May 8, 2007 at 10:16 am | Posted in delusional husbands, family, hot housewives eager to please, James Bond-like smoothness, tingly lubricant | 45 Comments

Sometimes, Linzi has occasion to be cruel to me. This is because I’m an irritating bastard. Typically, I arrive home from work around six and she’s in the kitchen, harassed after a day spent looking after the kids, and making dinner. That’s right, we’re very traditional. After saying hello to the kids with an enthusiasm I don’t really feel, I go into the kitchen, give her a kiss and slip my hand down her trousers. As soon as my fingers come into contact with arse-cheek skin, I begin to spasm and twitch uncontrollably, and my face contorts as I squeeze and say “Oh yeeaaah! Gimme the juice!” or a similar variant.

“The juice” is her arse, and I do this every single day.

She tolerates it with good nature for the most part, except occasionally when I might pinch instead of squeeze, or when I get a notion and try to initiate sex in the middle of cooking. She endearingly refers to my spasms and facial tics when I grab a hould of her as “the rat face”.

The rat face is a constant feature in our life. We’ll be sitting watching tv, and if she looks at me, chances are I will scrunch up my eyes, wrinkle my nose, and pucker my lips and make “eeeee! eeeee!” noises. I think these noises are rather rat-like, and they amuse me greatly. Linzi usually looks at me with one eyebrow arched (I’ve always been jealous that she can do that and I can’t. It’s very sexy.) and says “Kav, stop doing The Rat Face.”

Her saying that is my cue to lean in really close and contort my face even more, emphasising my rattishness by making my ears stick out and increasing the volume of my squeals. I’ll do this for a bit until I can see she’s losing patience, and then I’ll stop and massage her feet for a while to compensate for being an irritating prick.

After I’ve massaged her feet, to make sure she isn’t getting too complacent, I might give her foot a good squaw – squaw is her word for an intense and vigorous massage – to make sure she hasn’t forgotten the effort I’m putting in. Then we will watch tv for a while, in silence.

Shortly before bed, I might look at her and say “Jesus, I have a serious fuckin load built up for you. I might need to release it tonight.”

Her usual response to this foreplay is “fuck off, you disgust me”. This is what I mean about her being cruel. What a waste of an evening’s foot massage.

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45 Comments »

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  1. and they say romance is dead …

  2. What a silver-tongued devil your are. I’d love to have your way with women. Well, not Linzi, of course. Only you can have your way with her. I want to have my way with other women. *Begins compiling list*

  3. Conor: Well, I can be alright sometimes. When I put my mind to it, like.

    Sneezy: I believe it was my smoothness that attracted her to me in the first place.

  4. You’ll learn to do like the Spouse Sparrow does, and sneak it in while your wife’s asleep. Wait, that makes it sound like the Spouse Sparrow’s sneaking it in to your wife while she’s asleep.

    Never mind.

  5. Good grief – I take it all back – I am impressed! That must have been a birthday and a half!

  6. you’re my hero, you dirty bastard !

  7. FS: I don’t know if I’d have the stealth capability to carry off that mission.
    ~
    conor: It was a great day, only hampered by the fact that it was a Monday, and Mondays are shite.
    ~
    Rambling Man: Aw shucks, ’tweren’t nothin’.

  8. Oh dear, a number of illusions have been shattered today – juice – rat face. Luckily I have been busy writing soft porn today to make up for this.

  9. Every night Kav what the fuck are you taking. Apart from that I recognise the symtoms.

  10. MacD, why do you think there’s such a build-up? Tis far from every night I’m living.

    flirty, don’t take it too hard. Linzi will confirm that these disgusting practices are far outweighed by how amazing I am in every respect.

  11. *frowns in an unconvinced manner*

  12. As another woman who can arch a single eyebrow (which I am doing as I type) may I suggest that you would be more successful at bedtime by helping Linzi in the kitchen once in a while?
    The rat face part actually sounds cute.

  13. You are a guru

  14. I was actually thinking of the one the mutant ninja turtles follow

  15. flirty: Well, maybe not outweighed, but nicely balanced…

    Crap, someone hand me a spade, I’m not digging this hole fast enough.
    ~
    Medbh: Once in a while? I’m reminded of Hamlet when his mother says the lady doth protest too much, but here I am, off to protest anyway: I do help out. A lot. We even have a chore list. How American is that?

    Recently though, the chore list has gone to shite because (a) the kids have both been sick and (b) I have spent all my time working in the back garden.
    ~
    Kim: Ah, you must mean Splinter. Although I look quite similar to him, our temperaments are at odds – I’m a cranky fecker.

  16. Well, I’m not getting any backup from Linzi. I asked her to set people right about how great I am and she just tutted and said this post is all true, so there’s no need to change any of it.

    Sigh.

  17. You just get sexier every day, don’t you?

  18. The idea of a rat face disturbs me. Ick.

  19. I think we all deserve to see a photograph of The Rat Face. You get right on that. No no. Go on. I’ll wait.

    Doot de doot de doo

  20. I’m still waiting for the mouthful of gummi bears pic.

  21. Yes, let’s see the rat face, Kav. This post requires illustration.

  22. I am staying respectfully silent on this post. *whistles and keeps walking*

  23. Beautiful beyond all reason. And indeed, aesthetics.

    A rat? For sheesh!

  24. Is the rat face similar to yer sex face? I think its great that you still put the effort in, weemen just give up as soon as the ring goes on their finger, marriage is a man trap to force us to behave, you my friend are a hero of married men everywhere, keep going for her ass juice and be proud.

  25. I think Linzi should get a candid shot of the Rat Face. That will be the best example. You can post it but, warn me first.

    You’ve always give the impression of being so very good looking. I’m having a really hard time imagining the Rat face.

  26. quick (and not entirely unrelated) question…you being half scottish and all…Glasgow word for “langer”? is it spelt “tube” or “choob”? …Don’t know what brought that into my head….

  27. Is a langer the same as a ned?

  28. MJ: Yes. Yes I do.
    ~
    Sassy: At least you don’t have to live with it.
    ~
    plimco: You asked for it…
    ~
    MJ: 40 motherfucking gummi bears in my mouth.
    ~
    Medbh: See above.
    ~
    Blarneyman: That’s probably wise. I don’t like the way this has gone today at all.
    ~
    sam: You mean “for sure”.
    ~
    knudsen: Ass juice, gah, you just made me puke a little in the back of my throat.
    ~
    summer: Yes, unfortunately, I am rather rodent-like. It depresses me greatly.
    ~
    cantona: It’s spelt “tube”.
    ~
    sam: Langer is more like idiot than ned. Closest thing to ned would be knacker, mink, pikey, or gypo.
    ~
    For some reason, I feel I will have dropped in everyone’s estimation, not for this post, but for showing pictures of the rat face. It really is horrendous. I think I might give up doing it.

  29. Oh good God! Tell me that’s not your O face!

  30. 40 mother-fucking gummi bears in your mouth is cool though. You’re like, my hero or something. It redeems you by a squeak for the rat-face but only by a gummi-bear. 39 would not have cut it. 40 does though – you have proven your worth, gummi boy.

    Can you tell me if my feed is truncated? I think WordPress must do mine automatically or something because I can’t recall setting anything up. Do you know how to un-truncate it? I worry now that I am truncated in ways that are more than emotional.

  31. Sam, I’m trying to type in between fits of laughter, but fucking hell no, that’s not my orgasm face. Where did that rumour get started?

    And your feed is fine, it’s not truncated – well, the one I’m subscribed to is okay anyway, and that’s the only one that counts.

  32. At least, I don’t think it’s my orgasm face. Holy fuck. Now I’m worried.

  33. I’m pleased to have successfully downloaded your gummibears pic for future Photoshopping.

    A little disappointed you never sent me one of yer arse.

  34. Sam, You have an RSS feed and an Atom one – and neither are truncated. You’re in good shape. And so are your feeds, ha ha.

    Kav, this post is very arse about face.

  35. smoooooooth man. I’m trying that hands down trousers thing tomorrow. Juice ye say, nice

  36. MJ: You get one freebie, the gummi bears. The rest I’d have to charge for.
    ~
    Eolaí: Or just the face of an arse.
    ~
    manuel: Use it wisely, my friend. You’re in danger of becoming irresistible to LMM.

  37. When we first moved to Ireland, some joker told me that a Langer was a friendly nickname for someone from Cork. Got me into all sorts of bother.

  38. Oh my god, yes you are an annoying bastard.

  39. Dear God, man. The rat face is priceless and don’t ever lose it.

    And speaking as a wife who half-heartedly protests manhandling in the kitchen, don’t you dare ever stop.

  40. Goddammit. Each time I thought of a witty and seemingly original response, some other commenter had already used it.

    So be it. We’ll meet again.

  41. Welcome, Cherry and Captain Smack. I’m still not healthy enough to be witty either, so that’s all you’re getting for now, I’m afraid.

    Melissa, thanks, I think she secretly loves it too…perhaps.

    CL: So’s yer face.

  42. Heh. That’s pretty funny… my ex used to walk up behind me and grind when I was doin’ dishes… must be a guy thing. *giggle*

  43. oh geez I think you and my husband may be long lost brothers…

  44. That story is hilarious!

  45. Miss Behavin: Welcome along. I love doing that, but it’s awful easy to get carried away. (Me, I mean. The humping doesn’t do much for Linzi.)

    Lauren: There are more like this? You need to tell the tale, so I can say to Linzi “See? I’m not weird at all”.

    Miss Smack: Welcome to you too, and thanks. Your blog is blocked here at work, which can only be a good thing. I’m looking forward to reading it when I get home.


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