There’s always one.

May 9, 2007 at 6:35 am | Posted in fun at work | 50 Comments

As you might know, my company’s in the process of merging (ie being taken over by) a large Spanish company. The place is bustling with Spaniards these days, with their dark friendly eyes and their tans and their relaxed Mediterranean attitude, the bastards.

Beautiful Spaniards. There’s one girl in particular, physically flawless in every way. She’s got that warm, radiant, natural look that women here spend hundreds of pounds trying to emulate, only to end up with bodies the Oompa-Loompas’d be jealous of. She’s not only beautiful, but friendly, with only a hint of the coldness that beautiful women need to employ to distance themselves from lecherous wankers, and even that melts as soon as you start talking to her. Her clothes and her demeanour are all business – she knows her stuff and is under no pressure to use her sexuality to manipulate proceedings – and this makes her all the more attractive. There isn’t a man in here who isn’t in respectful awe of this wonderful creation.

Except one. Enter Will. Oompa Loompa doop-a-dee do, I’ve got a little story for you.

Will is a cocky, opinionated, strutting little bantam, five foot four in his two-inch heels. He’s pushing 40, has never settled down because he can’t find a woman who can meet his impossible standards, and walks through life thinking he should be wrapped in a bow with a tag that says “To Women, Enjoy! With all my love, Will”. He breaks up with women for ridiculous reasons like “she dyed her hair blonde and I only date brunettes”. All the while, there’s that sneaking suspicion that perhaps, just maybe, she was the one who dumped him, but it’s impossible to get to the bottom of the bluster to the truth, so we take his word for things. Along with a pinch of salt, to make his bullshit palatable.

Oompa Loompa dip-a-dee dee, listen to what William said unto me.

Lunchtime, and we’re all standing around agreeing what a beauty this girl is. She’s so lovely that she transcends the normal crudities that groups of men bestow on attractive women, and she’s spoken of not with words, but with the silent spaces in between the normal man-chatter – the sighs, arched eyebrows, and knowing nods confirming that yes, I have seen her, and I concur with your assessment, and that’s all we need to say on the subject.

Will, though. Will always has something to say about women.

“Catch the new Spanish lassie, lads?” he asks, chest puffed up to maximum swellage to show us that what he lacks in height he more than compensates for in generic manliness.

“Aye, a lovely-looking girl” someone says. Will snorts dismissively, causing his chest to deflate a little. He inhales with a swagger, repuffing himself to his chosen level of arrogance. If you’ve never seen anyone inhale with a swagger, let me tell you, it’s a sight to behold.

“Ah, nothing special lads, nothing special.”

“How can you say that, Will? The girl’s flawless, mate.”

“Nah, I’m not really into the dark-haired, olive-skinned, perfectly-contoured look. Give me a wee petite brunette any day, man.”

Many people have a “type” that they prefer, though in most cases, not to the exclusion of anyone who doesn’t fit these criteria. Many others will shag whatever’s unfortunate enough to come within snatching distance, like sexual venus fly-traps. But gobshites like this, who speak with such disdain about women so far out of their league that they could win four seasons on the trot and still not be promoted to a level where they could even compete with one another*, get on my fucking tits. Not my type = I know I’d never score with her in a million years, so I will launch a pre-emptive strike by making out like I wouldn’t be interested in the first place.

Thankfully, Steve socks it to him.

“So you’d probably just turn her down if she came on to you, Big Willy Style?”

He doesn’t like being called Big Willy Style. I’ll spare you the backpedalling that followed.

*a cumbersome football analogy. I should’ve taken it out.



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  1. I have an image of the office being invaded by Amazons. Well, that’s me upset for the day.

    The village here has been (pleasantly) invaded by Polish Amazons. But you can’t use the word around them unless the context is perfectly clear – Amazonka has three meanings in Polish and the slang one is less than flattering.

    Oh. And what the fek are you doing up this hour of the morning?

  2. Two sick kids…spent the bulk of yesterday evening in Accident and Emergency (again).

  3. Fek! That sounds serious. Not too serious I hope. Tell them that the ugly monkey who sneezes says “get well soon”.

  4. *sighhhhhhhhhhhh* You paint such a beautiful picture, I almost fancy her myself.

    Hope the kids get well soon

  5. Hope the kids are better soon.

  6. Crikey – we have one of those here at work too – Will I mean not gorgeous Spanish lady. Thinks he’s God’s gift

  7. Sneezy: Cheers. It’s a bit of a combined dose – conjunctivitis and tonsilitis. Not sleeping much, poor lad. The worst thing is that once one of them has it it just gets passed back and forth. Got the whole lot – drops, antibiotics, plus regular doses of paracetamol. The poor thing is totally miserable.

    ellie: Welcome along, and thanks. I’m hoping they get better before this weekend – don’t want everyone to be sick for my birthday.

    Aisling: Thanks.

    conor: I’m sure most places have one. Provides a bit of entertainment.

  8. Bet Will also calls women lesbians if they don’t snog him?

    Hope the kids get better, poor family. Assume we can look forward to a birthday post?

  9. Yes flirty. He’s also got a story about how he converted two dykes using only the power of his flute.

    Thanks, fingers crossed they’ll be okay soon. My own head is killing me today, hope I’m not getting it.

    Birthday post? Doubtful. I’ll be in no fit state for that sort of carry-on.

  10. She cannot be that nice looking a girl if she is having to work for her living.

    In my humble opinion, if she is very beautiful she should be kept at home so no one else could see her or make the fantasies about her. Like in that song by Dr. Hook.

  11. Oh dear, Cuban heels and an inflated opinion of his own sexual prowess – sounds like Small Man Syndrome to me.

    Hope the kids are on the mend. Slave to Calpol myself at the mo’.

  12. I work with a bevy of beauties , Lebanese women are very good looking but they are not happy and so a lot of them have surgery.
    Nose Jobs are very popular for some reason. And they dont hide the fact they have gotten a job done. They come in with the plasters still on. Two have recently gotten bigger breasts, they keep asking me how they look.

  13. Some will not admit what they should. I wonder what’s behind or in Will’s/Wont- opinionated frame.
    I worked with a guy who said Kylie Minogue was an old woman when I asked what he thought of her.
    I found out later he was married to a woman nearly twice his age- straight up man.

  14. I hate men like that.

  15. I think you should publish a photo of this Spanish chick, Kav. We need to be sure that you’re telling the truth, like. 😉

  16. Reminds me of the Spanish student invasions every summer. All i could do was dream about their dark unknown pleasures.

  17. Sorry to read about the wee ons. We’re just getting over a bout of the similar.

    The silly wee man’s to be pitied more than being angry at him though, I reckon. He’s irritating and arse-wipey right enough but what must his reality be like if this is how he feels he has to present himself?

  18. I wonder about men like Will. I hope they secretly know they’re scum and rock themselves to sleep crying….but I fear they don’t 😉

  19. I know Will very well and I loved your football analogy.

  20. Poor babies! I hope they feel better soon.

  21. I’m sure I used to work with this guy, does he have big thick glasses and come from Govan? Or maybe I’m mixing him up with every other short arsed rangers fan I’ve worked with…….

  22. Oh dear. I always feel a little bit of pity for the short men. Poor things.

  23. But the guy sounds like a bastard.

  24. Bearing out the stereotype that men turn to wet tissue when they get sick, I had to leave work at lunchtime today and come home to spend the entire afternoon in bed. Killer headache, back and limbs in agony, and throat on fire. Doctor said rest, fluids, and paracetamol would sort me, the cunt. (This was over the phone – left a message at 1pm and called back for the expert opinion at 5pm – because there’s no way for me to get seen until next week, pah.) He better be right, because if this is worse tomorrow I will not be happy. I might even go Bruce Banner on him. I’m green enough.

    Poor Linzi, two sick kids and now another miserable child to look after.

    I’ve always judged how sick I am by whether or not I could still manage to have sex. At the moment I’m too fucked to even get a horn, so it must be bad.

    Forgive me, I’m too drained to reply to everyone. But Gerry? I’m starting to feel like I need to produce evidence for every post recently…

    And Emma, he’s one of these people who’re totally oblivious to how anyone else feels – I don’t think he ever even considers that maybe it’s not everyone else, it’s him.

    He’s not even a dickhead, really. He’s just completely full of shit and has a ridiculous, skewed perception of himself.

  25. I would like to get jiggy with Will.

  26. Dammit Will….I mean were so close to making that breakthrough we discussed in session last time.
    We’ll have to leave it for next time.Can you see Sally at reception when you leave?
    Oh..sorry..I forgot the desk is too tall for your short arse.
    Here.have a milk crate to stand on while you pay your bill.

  27. My type? Let’s just say I have low standards and whenever I go to Las Vegas, they get even lower. I need a woman who is fatter and uglier than I am and who doesn’t give a fuck. I only go for ten-to-two’ers.

  28. Oooh, sick kids and sick parent…. Not good.

    Your co-worker sounds like George Costanza on “Seinfeld.”

  29. William sounds like the guy who placed an ad in the “Would like to meet…” section of the local paper I saw once. It said:

    Slightly over weight, balding, 40 something would like to meet Pamala Anderson look alike

    And write your birthday post in advance so all you have to do is post it

  30. William sound like the sort of worm that used to ‘dance’ around the wine bars in Lesson Street years ago buying cheap german plonk for the ‘laydees’ and using a mobile phone the size of a house brick to make up form his stature. ie a total plonker.
    Anyhoo, most sorry to hear abut the childers and LInzi and you beng poorly, being poorly is a bit shit. I hope you are all well soon. XX FMC.

  31. Will sounds like a classic misogynist. Seriously. He hasn’t settled down because he hates and fears women. If you are a man who is not a woman-hater it is your duty to put fuckers like this in his place. He also seems to have a raging Napoleon complex.

    Get well soon, Kav.

  32. Off topic: Many thanks for support during the move to the new site.

  33. Ah, the old footie lingo. Great way to disguise lechery.

  34. I’d just like to chip in for short blokes a second – we’re not all like that!!

  35. I have to agree with Badgerdaddy – We’re not all like that!
    In fact I’m 6’3″.

  36. Sexual venus flytraps?

    Fair play, Kav, that’s the best I’ve heard all day.

  37. He’s gay.

  38. What a little fuckstick! I’d love to work with someone like him. I’d make it my mission to crush his tiny balls a little more each day.

  39. For one awful moment, I feared that Will had already managed to secure a date with this paragon, having succeeded where other more worthy men had failed. Glad to know that he was just talking big.

    As one other commenter has mentioned, this has nothing to do with Will’s height. I worked in an office where we had a Will; he was 6′ 3″. We also had a man like your Spaniard, whose body and intellect were drooled over by every single woman. He was 5′ 6″.

  40. Has Kav popped his clogs?

  41. Has that guy ever been laid?

  42. Erm, Kav? I’m afraid I accidentally tagged you in a restaurant taggery thing. Sorry about that. Visit mine at:

  43. What Kara said. The guy’s gay, I’d bet my granny on it.

  44. See your granny, Sam, and raise you two grandads.

  45. Golly Kav, I hope you’re all right. Where be you at?

  46. I went to college with a girl as beautiful as that. I’m happy she’s no longer around. I hate feeling jealous.

  47. Sweary is phoning in her blogwork, Kav has disappeared with manflu…. I smell a conspiracy or at minimum a fajita…
    Would ya blow your nose and get typing @!!
    This is what it will be like with the new job lads. That’s it. We’re dooooommmmmeeeedddd….
    Cue the evil laugh he recorded, the langer!

  48. And Bock’s site is glitching. Is this the work of the Evil One? No, it can’t be – McDowell’s busy canvassing.

  49. A dearth. Not good.

  50. Cheers for all your comments, I’m sorry but I can’t bring myself to respond individually. You are all wonderful and special in your own unique way though.

    See, this is what happens when I ignore the place for a few days. Things get out of hand.

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