No sex please, we’re Sickish

May 15, 2007 at 2:15 pm | Posted in childbirth, family, hot housewives eager to please | 34 Comments

maybe not the worst. I mean, nobody died or anything. I did get to play a lot of Xbox. But a shag would've been nice too.
Hi. How have you been? I’ve been shit.

Here is a quick slice of the past week. It’s crap. Go and have a nice cup of tea and some rich tea instead of reading this whinging dirge.

Wednesday, home from work, straight to bed. Sleep all day, alternating between shivers and sweats. Get no sympathy from Linzi because Jack is a nightmare, suffering from conjunctivitis and tonsilitis, and he’s taking up all her time.

Thursday’s not much better. Linzi’s sick too, run down and hacking, but she’s not yet as sick as me, so she looks after the kids. I wallow in self-pity and hold my head. Fucking torture. Lazy GPs are cunts. Fluids and plenty of bed-rest my hole, I want fucking DRUGS.

Friday, a lot better, but now Linzi’s ruined after looking after everyone. We cancel my birthday night babysitter, resigned to the knowledge that L won’t be well enough to leave the house.

Saturday, my birthday. I wake to find that my lad is not in Linzi’s mouth, and so I know the day is not going to go to plan. Linzi has been so sick/swamped that she has not had time to get me a present. However, proving that she is extremely thoughtful and normally very well-prepared for things, I get a present from the kids, which she had originally bought as my father’s day gift, several weeks back. She feels terrible for not being able to get me anything. I shush her and say it’s okay. I play the Xbox. Her parents come over. We eat cake. We sit in and Linzi goes to bed early. I play more Xbox. I do not have sex.

Sunday: Linzi stays in bed, floored with her illness. I bring her breakfast. I look after the kids all day and do the housework. No big deal, true. However, the anticipated weekend was one of ample sex and not raising my arms to do more than sip another tasty beverage or crunch another salt-laden snack. This was what was promised, dammit! Management of expectations, we call it in the wanky world of suits. And my expectations were dashed, god dammit! DASHED!

Yesterday I spent working on decking and putting together flat-pack furniture. Sigh. Today I am back at work, and it’s almost a relief.

Linzi and I haven’t had a night out together since January, so we were both really looking forward to Saturday. January, for Christ’s sake! Four months! Know why it’s been so long? Have a guess.

It’s because we don’t think a two-year old is yet capable of looking after herself. Don’t mention babysitters to me, as her family have let us down more times than I could mention, so it’s either stay in and look after the most important things in our life, or piss off down the road for a bite to eat, and that’s not really an option, is it?

Is it?

As a parent, I know that it is imfuckingpossible to look after your kid around the clock, but you have to be pragmatic about things. You don’t boil the kettle and then leave it in the playpen. You don’t fuck off to the pub, or restaurant, or whatever, and leave your kids alone, defenceless in a strange place. Parenting’s risk management. I’m not trying to point the finger, because I know that their own private torture is worse than any of us could imagine (it brings tears to my eyes just to think of something happening to my kids), but Twenty’s right (read the comments) – I have yet to hear any sort of statement on the parent’s behalf saying something along the lines of “Holy shit, what were we thinking? How on earth could we have been so stupid? Hey, other parents! Don’t be stupid like we were, look after your children.” Are they even thinking this, or do they think what they did was acceptable?

I really hope they find that little girl safe so that the parents can spend the rest of their lives making their idiocy up to her.

Also, I really need a night out with my wife. And a shag. Yes. A shag.



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  1. Hey Kav, glad to see all is now well, sorry you had a bum weekend, (or not, oops). Yeah, I agree with you about leaving kids home alone, I was a single parent for 4 yrs with my eldest and now another 7 years with my youngest and don’t go out that much. It’s all about priorities. Our kids trust us to do what’s right and I don’t want to look back and be saying too many “if only’s…” . Fat Sparrow had a good blog on that too, boy, you should read her comments, EEK!

    Wow, first!

  2. I was totally gobsmacked when I heard that they left their children unattended too, but I really don’t think they need to say “don’t be stupid like we were, look after your children” because it just goes without saying.

  3. Oh, and happy birthday cuz, even though it was rubbish.

    And when I used the term “left their children unattended” in my previous comment, I was thinking of candles, not children. I meant “unsupervised”.

  4. Maybe Father’s Day will go better. Glad to have you back.
    When we were home for a wedding a few years ago my son fell asleep during the afters. We were heartily encouraged to drop him back in the room since “he wouldn’t wake up till morning”. That was almost 4 years ago in Clare. There was more than one person who suggested it. When I said I simply couldn’t do that (too paranoid New Yorker-ish) there were quizzical looks. He was 3, in a new country, in a hotel. Even if we had left him I would have been on edge the entire time. I don’t get it.
    I understand the comments of not placing blame in this time but holy shit, what were they thinking? they are roughly my age, these are not grannies who used to leave 4 kids in a car while taking another in for a doctor’s appointment. And this was a 3 year old in the company of two 2 year olds. And it’s not as if they wolfed down a feed and one rushed back. I don’t get it.
    In this instance I don’t care about being called judgemental. What’s so bad about being judgemental if your judgement is right. No you can’t be everywhere/see everything but you sure as hell have a better chance if you’re not trying to see through walls 100 yards away.

  5. This weekend coming will be my first saturday off this year. Gonna get wasted in the worst way. Stay well Kav and all the kavettes.

    Happy birthday and all that.

  6. Orfhlaith, I just read FS’s post and think she’s spot on. Like I said above, it’s about doing your best to minimise the risk your kids are exposed to. Nobody can stop every little thing, but you use commmon sense.
    Annie: Perhaps they don’t need to come out and say anything as crude as that, but my point was that these people are using the media in their search for their daughter. Although they have my utmost sympathies, there’s a cold part of me that thinks “you fucking stupid idiots”. If they came out and admitted that what they did was wrong and that it’s destroying them, I’d maybe warm to them a bit. And thanks. I’m hoping I can celebrate this weekend instead.
    EGW: You just reminded me of something – when I was a kid, no more than six or seven, I was brought to my grandparents’ mobile home (we were on holiday) while everyone else stayed in the pub and got pissed. I can’t ever imagine doing something like that with my own kids.
    Cheers manuel, have a good one. That used to drive me nuts, working in restaurants – no weekends off. Ever.

  7. Aw shite birthday being sick ‘n all. Happy belated birthday anyway!

  8. Kav, a belated Happy Birthday.
    One of the worst things about being an adult is that your birthday often gets pushed in the background while shit happens. That sucks. For myself, I’ve gotten so used to it that I refer to it as “National Laundry Day.”
    Hope you get a date night soon!

  9. Hey Kav – glad to see you back – was getting worried – sorry you’ve had a shit time of it but hey as the UK labour government said all those years ago – Things can only get better’ Hmmmm ok, bad example 🙂

    Check out Fat Sparrow’s post on Madeleine McCann – good stuff!

  10. Well, if you had sex you could end up with more 2 year olds and then where would you be!

    Cheer up, mucka.

  11. Poor old sausage, sorry to hear you have been sick, perhaps you could organise somene to pop over and mind the childers this Satdee. Sheet, if I lived near you I’d do it. But I don’t so that comment is rather pointless, sorry.

  12. Aisling: I’m working on making this coming weekend my birthday instead…

    Medbh: Yeah, hazard of having kids, isn’t it? It’s kind of like Christmas – there’s none of that excitement like you used to have as a kid.

    conor: Cheers mang, yeah, I read Slim’s post, and agreed with it completely. It was an effective way of making a point, whether people like it or not.

    Blarneyman: Not a chance, mate. Well, there’s always a chance, but nothing’s on the horizon…

    FMC: Thank you, I appreciate the thought. Linzi’s found an agency who charge £75 a year but provide you with fully vetted, history-checked babysitters for £6.25 an hour. We’re considering going that route, but I’m still nervous about even doing that.

  13. Belated birthday wish for you, Kav.
    Dead right on the minding children stuff…. God! It’s awful.
    I need to ask – >

    Is that how you usually wake up on your birthday morning or was it a birthday wish this year?

  14. Mairéad: No, that’s how I usually wake up on a Saturday morning.

    Well, okay, not really. See, what happened was, I was cleaning out my bedside drawer, and I found these Blowjob Vouchers, and one of them was for one first thing in the morning, so I thought, I’ll have a go of that. However, nothing happened, as outlined above.

    All is not lost though – I got store credit.

  15. You poor thing. I’m sorry the weekend and your birthday were so rubbish. Sod’s law, innit? Good to see you back on the beat though.

    For 2 and a half years after the twins were born, the Problem Husband and I went nowhere. We didn’t go out once. Finally, when we worked up the courage to go – my dad was over and babysat for us – I thought we’d be terrified and ringing home every five minutes. In fact, I rang home once and everything was fine and then I didn’t think of them for the rest of the evening. I felt like a lousy mother for about 5 minutes until I realised how much Dave and I needed to get out by ourselves. For two and a half years I had become used to thinking of Dave like a functionary (Can you run and get a loaf of bread? Can you watch one while I bath the other? Can I have a shower for the first time in 3 days, pleeeease?) After we went out again – we started to remember the reasons we’d got married in the first place (he’s fun and lovely!) and how little time we’d had together when either I wasn’t knackered or he wasn’t pissed off I had no time for him. And then I began to learn a little about balance – I’m a slow learner, me.

    All this is to say that you and Linzi do deserve a great night out, just the pair of you, away from the kids. And not just the one night, neever! It’s good for your marriage and that agency sounds rock solid. There sounds like very little risk – you can call anytime you like and it will be worth it just for the pair of you to dress up and rewoo each other again. Every marriage needs that. Nothing is 100% but I say you’re fine – it’s safe. Maybe you could even get one of Linzi’s relatives to pop round and check on the house and kids and sitter, just to be sure. After a while you’ll learn to trust the babysitter, especially if you get the same one for a while and things are always easier to handle when you’ve got to know someone for a bit.

    It took me a while to let someone other than my dad babysit the girls but as long as they’re with an adult you trust, they’ll be just fine. It’s easy to get paranoid about your kids with all this horror in the news and I wish I could bring my girls up with the freedom I had as a child, but the chances are low anything will happen to them if you’re vigilant and aware. Sorry for going on. Just trying to stop you worrying so much. There’s nothing in the world wrong with going out to have fun with your wife.

  16. Oh, Kav. That’s awful. I say you need a do-over.

    Perhaps you could get laid next weekend?

  17. I never get any bloody credit, I was out there, pointing out that this pair might have been somewhat remiss in their parenting a whole week ago…


    Happy birthday though. I shall be up in Scotland, in Glasgow, in fact, later this year and I expect beer. From you.

    Not shagging you though. Sorry.

  18. Poor Kav! Being sick is bad enough, but having the kids sick is the worst. And on your birthday. I’d like to tell you it gets better as you get older, but in reality, you just keep lowering your expectations. It’s less painful that way.

    Remember the Spouse Sparrow and his Secret Stealthy Sex? If you figure out a way to do that with a blow-job, I’m sure he’d like to know.

    Happy Birthday!

  19. Poor you! I hate when my birthday is spoiled because, naturally, it takes a year to remedy the situation. Enjoy your unofficial birthday this weekend.
    Glad everyone is getting back to normal.

  20. I think Linzi has the right idea, but you can never be 100% sure, and don’t EVER ignore a nagging feeling. If you think something feels wrong, it usually is!
    When we first moved to CO from NY almost 8 yrs ago, I had to have a meeting with the school district for an IEP for my son. I brought him with me and had to quietly explain WHY I was bringing an almost 6 yr old when we didn’t know a single person in CO AND he was deaf, WHO did they think I could leave him with? Or did they think I should leave him home alone? When they thought about it, they were more understanding, but their first reaction was “He shouldn’t be here!”. Good grief, all I ask is that people think stuff through.

  21. Hang on, I’m sure I commented on this earlier… Oh bumholes.

  22. Saturday, my birthday. I wake to find that my lad is not in Linzi’s mouth
    That was a very funny line Kav! I hope she lays this treat on for you soon.

    God knows I really am not the most responsible parent but I have never left my kids (6 and 3) alone without an adult. Who the fuck would?? The parents shouldn’t be condemned but anyone who is a parent simply cannot get their head around why they did this at a resort where babysitters were available.

  23. Don’t think they were idiots. Maybe just lulled into feeling that the kids were safe where they were. Maybe that makes them idiots……I Don’t know. I’ve done this one over at FS. As you said Kav, whatever anyone else has to say on the matter, it’s nothing compared to the horror and guilt the parents will carry with them for the rest of their puff. You might think “They won’t do that again, will they?”, but ultimately, I don’t think finger pointing does any good in this situation……

  24. Sorry to hear you were so sick! At least you had sex with yourself at some point.

    And the story of the missing girl seemed to just hit US news in the last few days (or at least I just noticed it) .. I can’t imagine. I really can’t. I feel like – having a three-year-old myself – you’re really on suicide watch with them already. I can’t imagine leaving my child alone like that, I just can’t. I really do hope they find her safe!

  25. Happy Birthday! Sorry you were sick and I hope you’re soon both well enough to GET IT ON!

  26. Sex and drugs and rock and roll.

    So you’d no sex, just plenty of drugs. Well I hope you get your rock & roll next weekend.

  27. Blowjob vouchers? Do you get rain checks as well? What with all that rainfall over there.

  28. Taurus the bull huh? that explains a lot.

  29. sam: Thank you – that means a lot that you went to all that effort to reassure me. We’re definitely going to try to start getting out together more, particularly now that I’ve got a job with a bit more money – you’re right, you don’t even notice how worn down you become, so ingrained does the routine become.
    sassy: I sure hope so. Not just the weekend mind you…
    badgerdadger: When are you up here? That sounds good to me, though I must warn you I’m nowhere near as attractive as my writing would lead you to believe.
    Slim: Cheers, I’m working on it. The problem with mouths is they have teeth, so there’s a big risk if she were to wake up with a fright.
    ellie: I tried to get Linzi to agree to having a proper birthday this coming weekend, but she wasn’t too enthusiastic…I’ll have to badger her a bit more about it.
    Orfhlaith: Yes, a mother’s instinct and all that. I never gave much credence to it until we had our own and saw Linzi in action.
    badgerpater: Yes, I rescued it from the spam. That’s what you get for being so foul-mouthed.
    Emma: Yeah – I do feel terrible for them, and I know what I was saying is really neither here nor there, but I just wanted to say something about it I suppose.
    Ill Man: I think that’s my biggest problem with it. I have no problem, when I’ve been an idiot, putting my hands up and saying “shit, sorry, I was stupid there”. It doesn’t make me any less intelligent. Society places too high a value on never admitting when you’re wrong, never changing your mind. People with focus are praised. Most people, though, are not like that at all. I fuck up regularly, I change my mind regularly. I suppose I just want to see something I can identify with in the McCann’s approach to how they’re dealing with the situation, and right now, I can’t.
    hdw: True, my good friend Pam helped me out, but it’s just not the same! And yes, like Emma said, I just can’t fathom it either. I’m not being high and mighty about it, just disbelieving.
    Summer: So do I my friend. So do I.
    Sneezy: Cheers, I’m not sure which I’m looking forward to more, the rocking or the rolling.
    MJ: If I got rainchecks I’d never get any at all. It’s always feckin raining here.
    Knudsen: Stubborn? Yes. Short-tempered? Yes. Hung like a? Yes*.

    Is that what you mean?

    *Correction: should read “no”.

  30. Don’t know when trip will happen – will be visiting some friends and maybe doing some work as well. Will possibly be in July, but more than likely later.

    I’m crap at sticking to these things, see. I haven’t even told my friends I’m coming up…

  31. Belated happy birthday, Kav. When it comes to the kids you’re right, take no chances… look after them yourselves, you never get the time back. Getting run down, ill, and no birthday jollies, is no fun. So, somehow yiz need to make space for the two of you where you’re not knackered out and horrid looking to each other! Basically it’s a five year hiatus (unless you have another offsprung) so try and plan ahead for the remaining years.

  32. There are only a few years in it – they’ll be pbnoxious teenagers in a flash and they won’t LET you mind them then, so enjoy! Fear of you anyway, vouchers an ‘all – fancy!!!

  33. I meant – obnoxious!

  34. Badgerdaddy: I’ve got a couple of things on in July, but am mostly free. Let me know, I’d be up for a few pints. It’d have to be last train home for me though….kids and work and all that.
    Conan: Thanks. Yeah, we both need to pay a bit more attention to each other – it’s so easy to slip into complacency.
    Mairéad, I dread to think what those days are gonna be like. I think I’m going to try to be a “cool” dad and fail miserably.

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