My eyes! They burn!

May 16, 2007 at 10:22 am | Posted in there's an hour of my life I wish I had back | 19 Comments

I’ve previously shared with you the story of how I lost my virginity. For entertainment’s sake, I put a comical spin on what was in reality a serious and significant event. Still, it’s good to be able to look back and laugh at how seriously you took yourself.

What if you’re 26 and still haven’t had a shag though? That was the subject of a programme on Channel 4 last night called Virgin School. Fuck me, if ever somebody needed a shag, it was this guy. Heh.

This was car-crash tv at its most gruesome. We’d been watching The F-Word and it came on afterwards, and as soon as we started watching it, we were saying “Ugh! Fuckin gross! Where’s the remote? Turn it off!” but somehow we stayed watching it almost the whole way through.

I’m not going to describe every little detail of the show, but the overwhelming feeling I was left with after watching it was disgust. Disgust at the guy, for making me look at his toes curling while he gets jerked off by a skanky oul witch who brings him to his first orgasm EVER. Disgust at the women involved, his “teachers”, one of whom ended up taking the weird* bastard’s virginity (I think – I stopped watching just before the end). It was apparently meant to help him develop a natural approach to sex, but all it did was make both him and his teachers look sad, pathetic, and more than a bit creepy.

The women weren’t even good-looking, for fuck’s sake.

*he’s 26 and his job is delivering the local paper.



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  1. What’s with the “teachers”? Were they teaching him how to have sex or how to meet women? (Neither by the sounds of it?)

  2. They were teaching him how to relate to women and how to engage in physical contact once the act of sex was imminent. Or something. In one bit, he was practicing in front of a mirror saying “Hi, my name is James and I’m a NICE GUY!” over and over again. I mean, if that’s his intro line for meeting women, what hope has he got?

  3. The women weren’t even good-looking, for fuck’s sake.

    It’s not like anyone will be putting your man on the cover of romance novels, either.

    They should make the show more interesting by allowing people to call in and rate his performance and/or vote him off. “Sex Idol.”

    In one bit, he was practicing in front of a mirror saying “Hi, my name is James and I’m a NICE GUY!” over and over again.

    That’s really taking the piss; it sounds a bit to much like Stuart Smalley’s Daily Affirmations on Saturday Night Live….

    “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.”

    If it didn’t get Al Franken his hole, I don’t think it’s gonna work for this guy.

  4. Good grief – that sounds worse than watching Big Brother and Eurovision back to back – on repeat. Yikes… Of course obviously now I want to watch it (!)

  5. Reality television creeps me out.

  6. Christ Almighty! I make one Goddamn reality show and everyone is laughing at! I’ll tell you what I told my parents – I want to have the sex!

    Now leave me alone. I can’t wank with all this stress you’re causing.

  7. If women won’t fuck you, there’s a reason.
    I’m really wary of any show that reduces women to sex workers servicing strange men.

    And Kav, I read the link: *sweet*. You do the self-deprecating angle really well.

  8. Slim: Sex Idol sounds like a class idea. Only the hottest survive.

    conor: I’d give it a miss, unless seeing a guy remove two pairs of underpants is your thing. Yes, two. One must be a protective layer.

    sassy: I rarely watch any reality tv, but like I said, this entranced me in the worst way.

    Blarneyman: You know the most amazing bit? He didn’t even wank, never mind have sex. Can you imagine the load he must’ve shot? Gack.

    Medbh: Thank you. Know what you mean about those women – whore is maybe too strong a word, but isn’t that what you call people who shag for money?

  9. If I were 26 and a virgin, sure as hell I’d NOT want my fumblings and bumblings being broadcast.

    Your description of the show made me feel vicariously creeped out. The curling toes nailed it.

  10. That was definitely the worst part Melissa. I’ve tried dousing my eyes with sulphuric acid, but the image is indelible.

  11. This was a TV show!!

    I’ve been in America too long – Jaysus things have changed over there!

    We have things like Real Sex on HBO over hereabouts but thats on cable.

    Its actually entertaining not because of the documentaries on every aspect of human sexuality, (as my wife asked why is it the ugly people that have the most interesting sex lives), but for the street interviews with your average Joe and Jane Soap. They seem to find much prettier people for these.

  12. I know a lady who’s a sex therapist. She told me that some of her colleagues use “surrogates”, i.e. ladies for the clients to sort of practise on / with. The surrogates get paid, but they’re not prostitutes. Very helpful it seems for virgins, shy men, people without a partner to work with. Sounds weird but if it works I spose.

  13. I can’t remember who it was that said “Anyone can get laid – it’s just a matter of lowering your standards enough.”

    I didn’t see the programme as I rarely watch TV, never mind reality TV on C4, but your description reminds me of a lad I used to work with years ago.

    Robert was the potman in the pub I worked in. He did all the dogsbody jobs like collecting the empty glasses and washing them, emptying the ashtrays, cleaning the puke off the toilet floor, etc. Although he was in his late 20s, he looked like he had stopped developing at the age of 13. He used to have to carry his passport around with him as he was always refused service in pubs. He tried to compensate for his lack of physical maturity by growing a moustache, but it never quite turned out as he wanted it to.

    Poor old Robert (or Wobbert, as he was known) was a virgin, and was desperate to rid himself of his burden. Whenever a pretty new barmaid would start working at the pub, Wobbert would follow her around like a lost puppy for a week or two, until she would tell him to fuck off and leave her alone. She would then be deemed to be “a lezzer.”

    Anyway, one Monday morning, Wobbert came into work with a spring in his step. “Guess what?” he announced to anyone that he met. “I lost my virginity on Saturday night. And she’s my girlfriend now.”

    Few of us believed him, but he insisted that he had done the deed. One of the barmen suggested that he bring his new love along to meet us after work on Friday night, and Wobbert said he would.

    So that Friday night, after work, Wobbert walked into the pub hand in hand with the ugliest woman you have ever seen in your life. She was built like Mary Harney, and had a much more impressive moustache than Wobbert (who had shaved his own off by now.) Some of us decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and tried to engage her in conversation, just to see if underneath that repulsive exterior, a wittty and engaging personality lurked. Sadly, no. She spoke in monosyllables, in a voice like Frank Butcher from Eastenders.

    But Wobbert was as pleased as punch, because at last, he had gotten his hole.

  14. John: Exactly…it would’ve been so much more entertaining if everyone involved was a sexy mofo.
    Mairéad: I don’t know, sounds like a euphemism to me. If it looks like a duck…
    Gerry, great tale. Poor oul Wobbert, he’s probably married to her now.

  15. This was on…cough….TELEVISION?

    If ever the death knoll needed to be sounded on reality tv, surely this is it. My eye will be twitching for the rest of the day just at the IDEA of it…

  16. Marika, part of me wants everyone to watch it so they can understand my horror, but the caring, paternal part of me wants to protect everyone from it and bury it forever.

  17. I’m 23 in a few weeks and I’m still a virgin. Doesn’t bother me. Just a choice I’ve made to wait until I’m married.

    Sex is undoubtedly an important aspect to human relationships but I don’t think it’s the be all and end all that everyone makes out.

  18. RWG, all joking aside, it doesn’t bother me at all whether or not someone’s a virgin. What got to me was the distasteful way the guy wanted to lose his virginity, and not only that, but the fact that he chose to publicise this on national tv. It was awful to watch.

    I agree it’s not the be all and end all, but am curious about your decision. Would you be happy to stay with someone you were in love with, but not sexually compatible with? I’ve been in a relationship where everything was great except the sex – we wanted it to be good, but it just didn’t happen – and that’s one of the main reasons she’s an ex. Call me shallow, but for me it’s a major part of a balanced relationship.

    Does this ever worry you, or have we just got different priorities on the importance of sex?

  19. Being honest I don’t know. I’ve kissed girls and wondered what the hell the big deal was as I felt nothing but that’s about as far as I’ve gotten with any girl.

    I not sure if I can talk of sexual compatibility because I have no idea what that’s like. I do a bit of dancing and there are sometimes when you just don’t click with your partner. You prefer dancing with this person because you have a better time. I will be taking any girlfriend out to tango for instance.

    Right now sex isn’t a big issue for me. If I get married I’m looking forward to as my brother would say “christening every room in the house”. If I find a wife most of our lives beforehand will have been about aspects of our relationship apart from sex. If we’re both virgins we may not know what we’re doing wrong if anything. There’s always the options of counselling in these situations if we’re not enjoying it and experimentation.

    To answer you question I don’t know but I’d like to think I would stay in the relationship. I had never thought about it until you mentioned it. I don’t think I attach any lower priority than other people to sex. I just have a different attitude in terms of exercising that. It could possibly be argued that people like me attach a ‘higher priority’ to it because we wait for the ‘right’ person. On the other hand there’s the argument that we don’t know what we’re missing

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