Once, and only once, I’m telling you.

May 16, 2007 at 2:24 pm | Posted in fuck it I almost lasted a year without doing a meme | 34 Comments

While I was off shivering and shouting in my polarising miasma, I was tagged not once, but twice, by Mr. Badgerdaddy and Ms. Unimaginative. Both are more or less asking for the same thing – tell some stuff about me that I haven’t told before.

Now, my general view on memes, tagging and the like, is that they are evil, and are posted/created by people because they can’t be arsed writing a proper post. That’s why, as badgerdaddy pointed out, you won’t have seen any of them on here before. That’s why, instead, I have a very comprehensive About Me and Greatest Shits section which you could spend a full day reading and not get to the end of (because you would be asleep).

However, this being a blog where the hot topic is me, behold! I’m going to give you Seven Things About Me That May Surprise You (if you are easily surprised by the banal and unextraordinary) That I’ve Never Mentioned On This Blog Before. This is the first and last time I’ll be doing this, mind you. I don’t want this place turning into a haven for “What flavour ice-cream are you?” kind of posts.

Here you go:

1) On our wedding day, I did not get to see Linzi walk down the aisle. I wanted to, but as I turned to watch her descend the stairs the minister leaned to me and whispered “Face forward, you’ll have the rest of your life to look at her”. I, thinking I had been just about to breach some serious wedding etiquette, was thankful for his advice and promptly turned away from her. It was only later when I was chastised by all and sundry for not turning to watch her that I realised I should’ve kicked him in the shins and told him to piss off. Grrr. That still annoys me.

2) I have a tidy desktop. I hate having more than four or five windows open at once. Even when I started using Firefox’s wonderful tabbed browsing, I still could not stand to have too many windows or apps open at the same time. When I read that Tom Raftery sometimes has forty or fifty windows open at once, I collapsed and had to be revived with smelling salts.

3) The chapel I got married in is in this castle. We had our whole wedding here. It was a great day.

4) Like all good bloggers, I use humour to mask feelings of deep insecurity. You can judge for yourself how insecure I am by how often I use humour in my blog.

5) My second toe is longer than my big toe. It freaks Linzi out, especially when I stroke her leg with it in bed. She calls it the talon.

6) I’m not a very sociable person, but neither am I antisocial. It’s like this: some evenings I could happily spend without saying a word to anyone, lost in the magical land of computer games. Others there’s nowt I’d like more than a few pints with the lads. Over here, though, I’ve never really gone to the bother of making friends outside of work, so the latter is less likely. Which is my own fault, and doesn’t bother me as much as you might expect. Shite, maybe I am antisocial.

7) I am self-conscious about everything I write.

I am not tagging anybody. Do it if you want.


What I will do is start mentioning when I add blogs to my sidebar. Previously, I’ve always added blogs stealthily, feeling almost embarrassed about doing it, like the time I nearly got caught wanking in maths class. I don’t feel the need to go and announce to someone that they should be honoured to now be on my blogroll, but that’s my own modest, humble (great, sexy, stylish, smooth, luxurious, succulent) nature coming out, and it’s not really the right thing to do when this community is sustained by social interaction. How else will blogs remain popular* unless they get talked about? It’s just the whole “you’ve linked me so now I feel as though I have to link you” bullshit I’d rather avoid. Anyway, from now on, when I think of it, I’ll follow in the footsteps of the beautiful Mulley and the very handsome Steph, and tell you about blogs I like.

Here are some of my must-reads, in no particular order besides alphabetical. Check them oot.

Eolaí or Eolaí
Fat Sparrow

And here are the most recent blogs I enjoy with nothing but a manthong on:

Captain Smack
Condi’s Hair
Curry Chips
Mommy Has A Headache

*Though in most cases, it’s not like they need my link, they’re already very popular in their own right.



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  1. Like me, you have “Morton’s toe” and according to the Wikipedia entry, the French consider it a sign of intelligence, many consider it a beauty trait, and an archaeologist has interpreted it as a characteristically Celtic toe, as opposed to a Saxon toe.

    But it makes it difficult to go “en pointe” in ballet, don’t you find?

  2. What a weird thing for the minister to say. That’s bizarre. It would be good in some kind of short film though.

    I did a “meme” once, but I was so embarrassed about doing it that I kind of didn’t mention it was a “meme” and just passed it off as my own idea for a list. Which I was then more embarrassed about than actually doing a “meme” in the first place.

    And phew, I made your cut. I feel relieved more than anything, cuz.

  3. My middle spawn has a talon too…..hmmmmm…can you explain your whereabouts on or about the second week of February 2004?

    I’m just delighted at making the squad..knowarramean yeh? ‘sa funny old game…game of two halves innit? Usually I’m the one left at the wall when the other two teams have all been picked and the choice is between me and the pile of coats we used for goals.

  4. Solemn promise: no more tags. Glad you went ahead with the post regardless of your feelings about memes (agreed, by the way, though you could never be in danger of having a “what flavor ice cream are you” blog).

    I’m with you on #2 – can’t stand to have a cluttered desktop. Makes me feel scattered.

  5. MJ: Not at all – on the contrary, I have perfected my pirouette using only my second toe. Its pincer-like grip is also useful for opening beers and windows.
    Annie: Why would you feel relieved? You’re the shit, nizzle.

    I’m cautious about making that seem like an exclusive list though. Everyone’s welcome here, regardless of race, creed, or beverage preference.
    Devin: Shite, feck, arse. I hope I haven’t gone and made people all insecure and shit if they’re not on that list. Just remember, my lad is so splendidly enormous in terms of both girth and length, not to mention completely cheese-free, that there is plenty of love to go around everyone.

    And I’d have you pegged as a defensive winger.
    Melissa: Not at all, regardless of my protests, you gave me something to say when I had nothing except a complaint about a tv show. Plus, if I do get tagged again, I can refer people to this post and say you missed your chance, Melissa got in there first.

  6. Thank you sweetie, for the shout out.

    I have the long toe too. I like it.

    I also have a tidy desktop. I hate clutter on my computer. It drives me insane.

  7. About you saying this won’t be a what flavour ice cream post …

    Why the hell did you describe yourself as succulent?

  8. Bloody hell, I chanced a few hours sleep and wake up to multiple posts of millions of words from you – you’re like how Eddie Izzard describes ripening peaches.

    One thing has been bothering me though – both feet?

    For anyone counting I usually float between a minimum of a dozen windows up to about thirty.

  9. Why in the world would you want to masturbate in math class?? This is a story I wanna hear!

  10. I have the same issue with the second toe…but get THIS…my THIRD toe is also the same size as my extra long SECOND toe. Yes…such things most definitely call for excessive use of capital letters.

    Thanks for the plug. I’ve been meaning to add you for ages and now you’ve officially made it look like I’m adding you now just cause you added me. Blast. Guilt is a powerful, powerful thing.

  11. I’m a warewolf too.

  12. Excuse me. I meant wErewolf.

  13. ‘I hope I haven’t gone and made people all insecure and shit if they’re not on that list’ – I feel like Dervish must have done on Saturday. At least they got votes from Albania – I’m off to find the Albanian Kav 🙂

  14. I too have Morton’s toe!! But only by a millimetre or so. When I press it down flat so it’s little toe tummy is touching the floor. See, my ballet days are over and, oh God, Oh God, I do so want to be intelligent and beautiful even if it’s only marginally. Please let me really have Morton’s toe, Lord! Please keep the official Morton measuring board away. Pweeeeease.

    Dead chuffed to have made your list, hun. 🙂

  15. conortje, can you pass the link along when you find the Albanian one? Ta.

  16. heh. wanking in math class? dude, i love math, but dayam…

    do tell… *wink*

  17. Ah, look at you ya star, thanks for the shout-out.

    Can we all have a big group hug now.

  18. Jayz Kav, I just had a look at the old toe, and guess what -?

    Maybe it’s a blogging thing.

  19. So nice of you to give a “shout out” as they say to everyone you like. So nice of you and not at all inspiring spurned huffing from others like, say, I dunno … hmmm … nope, nobody, I think you named everyone.


  20. You know what you’ve done, Kav, don’t you? You’ve landed in to school with a fist of invitations to your party, and all of the lucky, invited boys and girls are delighted and full of glee to know you have marked them out as your special friends. The rest of us are desperately seeking Albanian friends……….

  21. Debbie: Holy crap, seems that LOTS of people have the talon. I don’t feel as strange now.
    Dario: It had a nice ring to it.
    Eolaí: Yes, both feet. And a dozen windows is enough for me to fan myself like a lady.
    Lela: There’s not much to tell – I’ll post about it soon, too tired right now.
    Kara: No need for guilt here. I’ve enough of that everywhere else. As Eolaí once said of his own, this blog is a guilt free zone.
    sassy: Do werewolves have that toe thing?
    conor: Allow me to quote from above “Here are some of my must-reads”…Almost all the ones I listed are the one I’ve been reading/known the longest. Even Niolk, the spanner who deletes his blog now and then when the urge strikes him.
    sam: I can’t believe this toe business is seen as a good thing.
    badgerdaddy: I’m sure he’d be much more likely to pay for pints than I would. Mine’s a Guinness, thanks 🙂
    Miss Behavin: Oh if you insist. Tomorrow, when I can think again.
    flirty: As long as we can include everyone on the blogroll. It’s about to get sweaty.
    bock: Yes, it’s clearly a sign of above-average intellect and raw sexual magnetism. That’s what I tell Linzi as I scrape it up and down her leg, anyway.
    blarneyman: Not everyone I like: some. Some, dammit.
    mairéad: That’s harsh.
    Let me just say for the record that I fucking despise any sort of exclusionist horseshit where people organise themselves into cliques so they can make themselves feel superior to others around them. That wasn’t my intention – by mentioning some blogs I like to read, I was hoping to point people on to them who otherwise might not know them. I didn’t compile a list to say “these guys are the best and the rest of you are shit”. I would not be linking to you if I thought you were shit. I don’t know why I feel I have to defend myself for something as elastic as personal opinion, but there you go. If anyone has a problem with it, it’s their problem to have, not mine. Thank you and good night.

  22. See, I start reading you everyday and I’ve learned something already! The minister guy we’ve acquired to marry us this fall would be the same kind of guy that would say that. Now I know to ignore him! Thanks!

  23. I had a look at my own toes and sure enough I am taloned too.Never really noticed it before kav.Thanks a lot.
    I’m sending you a picture of them as evidence.Feel free to admire my pedicure while you’re looking.

  24. Hehehe Kav you’re a million times better than any Albanian Kav ever could be 🙂

  25. I collapsed too when I Tom said 40 or 50 windows. Luckily there were smelling socks close by.

    Wanking in maths class. Now that’s just plain weird. Physics or Latin, okay, but maths? Sheezee!

  26. Todd, welcome along.

    Devin: Pedicure eh? You’re such a girl.

    Conor: I hardly slept a wink last night fretting about upsetting my readers (or wait, was it all the masturbating? I forget), so to hear that an Albanian version of me would not be as good as the real me is a major relief.

    Sneezy: I didn’t do physics until university, but if I did, I probably would’ve done it in there too. Latin? I did the Leaving in 96, not 76.

  27. you “nearly” got caught in maths class ? so you didn’t “actually” get caught then ! i’ve never known a lad to wallop captain purplehead to the joys of algebra …

  28. The damage is done!! I’m only going to read your blog everyday now out of spite! Out of spite, I tell ya!

    Take it as a compliment that people consider your opinion so highly that some almost went so far as to swandive off the 4th floor because “Kav’s Club Blog” had a VIP area! 😉

  29. You big toed people are total freaks. Blee.

  30. I have a toe confession to make. In my teens, I had an ingrowing toenail cut out. Three times. Fuck me, it hurt. The injection between the toes to start with… Fuckety fuck. That’s where my needlephobia comes from.

    Anyway, after the third time, it didn’t grow back. So on my big toe, left foot, I have a strip, about 1/4 of it missing. The resulting edge means I have a Samurai Fighting Ninja Toe. SLF fucking loves it, I bet. Though I have not actually asked her.

  31. Crap, I have that toe thing, too. I never had any problem in ballet, though.

    Every single guy I’ve been with has slagged off my feet. The usual epithet is “Flintstone feet.” I prefer “Picaso feet,” myself, as it sounds much more cultured and classy, but they all just laugh.

    You seem to do an awful lot of things that freak Linzi out, and yet she’s still with you, so I believe we can assume by this that you are a sex god, and as long as your schlong’s longer than your talon, it’s all good.

    Oh, and if you really want to see how popular you are, tell people you’re going to start charging for links. I made 47 cents the other day, just by telling someone they were under consideration.

    Thanks for the shout-out!

  32. Rambling Man: Twas far from algebra my mind was, I can tell you.
    blarneyman: Hmmm, I’m not used to my opinion being considered at all. I will do just that.
    FMC: I think you meant to type “You big toed people are really sexy”. It’s okay, I knew what you meant.
    badgerdaddy: I’m terrified of getting them – my toenails are really close to digging into the side of my toes and I’m afraid that one day I’ll need something like what you had. Gak!
    FS: Far be it from me to correct such an assumption, especially one as accurate as that. Flintstone Feet is a pretty cool nickname. I’m jealous, as usual. Feckin people with nicknames.

  33. LOL @ Fat Sparrow

  34. Only joking, Kav! Don’t worry (I’m sure you’re not) we all still love you lots.

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