Ride my Pimp

May 29, 2007 at 1:48 pm | Posted in reality television would you ever just fuck off and die, the horror of it all | 29 Comments

ride my pimp, or pimp my ride, whatever dude

MTV UK this week announced plans for a reality tv show observing the lives of prostitutes as they hustle to survive on the streets of London. Ride my Pimp will be a gritty slice of realism following five sexy dames on the game, hosted by Pimp My Ride UK frontman Tim Westwood.

tim spazzy westwood

Westwood, who was recently described in People magazine as “a total fucking joke”, had this to say about his new venture: “Eeeh it’s ya bwoi Westwood ‘ere wit da finest honeys in London ready to be maxin’ out on the d-low wit ya bwoi Westwood til the break of dawn, cos I be pimpin it like fresh toast bringin it to ya with tha Big Dawg flava. Holla!”

Linguists admit they haven’t a fucking clue what Westwood was on about.

The show is in the process of finalising its contestants, each of whom is being selected based on how horrendous her background is. A shortlist of ten whores will be cut to five after careful analysis to ensure the right mix of “mismatched, comically dissimilar personalities sure to be at each other’s throats within minutes of meeting one another” is selected.

The five contestants, who MTV recently announced will have serious drug habits to feed, will spend six gruelling weeks competing for tricks in south London. The whore who has turned the most tricks at the end of each show gets the opportunity to ride her pimp without protection, and also pockets her full week’s earnings pimp-tax-free. The losing contestants must make up this shortfall in the pimp’s earnings by handing over everything they’ve earned to their pimp, which is sure to spark friction between the contestants as the weeks pass.

The overall winner at the end of the series will be provided with a year’s supply of premium-quality China White heroin.

The announcement of Ride my Pimp comes days after Channel 4 announced their latest reality venture, a behind-the-scenes, no-holds-barred look at the lives of the creators of reality tv shows, as they struggle to come up with new reality tv shows in an already-saturated market. A spokesperson for C4 said “We’re really stuck for ideas” before returning to his plush office, where he spent the rest of the afternoon with a dead horse which he took great pleasure in whipping.

Well, what would you rather watch? I’ll stick to the wholesome stuff.



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  1. yes Dutch television is a sight to behold. The official website for the organ donor show has a link to a google search – they’re very proud of all the press they’re getting around the world. Of course it goes beyond bad taste but the simplest solution is that nobody watches it.

  2. When will it end, for jaysis sake?

  3. Awwww, maaaan, das off da chain bwoi ! I be all up in dat shit wiff me mates an’ shit. I be number onez pimp-azz playa wiff da hackney massive an aint no pimp-azz mofo gonna whack no ho ’til i be on point, kickin’ it………tap dat shit, yo………………….word !

  4. I really thought this was a joke when I heard it on the news today but no, for real. Bring back the lions get some gladiators and we’re off. Fight to the death !

  5. Say what you will, but I CANNOT wait for Big Brother. It never fails to amuse me.

  6. Hang on? This was a real story and not satire? Yikes.

  7. In the U.S. being on the d-low or down-low is used to describe seemingly straight men who are married to women but secretly hook up with men for sex.
    HBO has plenty of programming like “Hookers on the Point” that follows this lurid scenario of following sex workers around.

  8. nearly as bad as the upcoming pimp my tractor on rte !

  9. I am Soooo glad I do not have cable or satellite TV. The other thing I really like about my TV is the fact it has an off button. I use it quite regularly and often.

  10. Is Knudsen on the judge’s panel?

  11. said “We’re really stuck for ideas” before returning to his plush office, where he spent the rest of the afternoon with a dead horse . . . . well nothing would surprise me! Thank God he was just flogging it. They would put any shite on TV.

  12. Remember when professional actors used to play characters on sitcoms and nighttime dramas? Those were the days!!

  13. Fuck me! WHAAA? I’m with Flirty though… some nice muscular gladiators… a few slaves, some tigers… ah! Now that’s entertainment!

  14. I am filled with fucking gloom.

  15. Medbh, do you live in the US? Have you seen Taxicab Confessions?

  16. Ooooh! Do you have to be a resident to be a cast member? I’m positive I’ll fit all the requirements otherwise! Well…some of them…alright, none of them…but I want to be on TV!

  17. it’s the end of the world as we know it…

    but i don’t feel fine *sighing*

  18. If only the networks would do something productive, like produce “Child Molester Island” for me. It’s a dream I have, but I can’t get the fuckers to listen.

    By the sound of things though, I just need to give it a little more time…

  19. Sounds fukken great.

    Five whores and Shilpa Shetty.

    I can’t wait to see what Richard Gere does.

  20. This sounds like a hilarious show. They’d never get away with it here, but I wish they’d try.

  21. That…CAN’T…be…real. My liberal socialist Canadian sensibilities just spontaneously combusted. If only there’d been a camera around to catch the explosion…

    p.s. Mark’s comment…”Child Molester Island”…it’s not right that that should be so funny. Mmmmmphmheeheehehee….but it was.

  22. Oh my goodness, no.


  23. liberal socialist…… sensibilities
    An oxymoron if ever I heard one.

  24. You just wait whyioughtta. What I’m talking about involves an island off the coast of Nova Scotia, some Vietneam-era flamethrowers, and the solution to prison overcrowding in all participating nations.

    It’s gonna be a beautiful thing, and the networks will be begging for rights…

  25. Westwood is a twat. Never a truer word was spoken. He never used to sound like that y’know. He was all Queens English with an Eton education until he got bummed by Ice T back in ’93 and he adopted the old ebonics. Every now and then I forget about the time difference and tune into Radio 1 only to be disgusted by his fakey darkie accent.
    Regarding the reality show, yes, it is a new low. I am currently pitching a show to FOX in which 10 homeless crack heads go camping in a 5 man tent. the crack heads compete in daily challenges to win rocks and then the losers get to watch the winner get high. Viewers would vote one crack head out of the tent each week. Winner gets one month rehab and a recording contract with Phil Spector.

  26. I was going to post a comment on your above entry but you switched the comments off so I’ll post here instead, going directly against your wishes, but not plonking it right in the face of everyone on your latest post.

    Just wanted to say that what you’re feeling and the way you’re acting is not unusual. And most of it is likely to do with a sense of lack of control in your life. But that is about to change. The reality is you went and got the interview, got the job and will be moving on soon. You have retaken control of your life and it should get better once you move job.

    If you ever want to chat or unload privately, you have my email – don’t be afraid to use it.

    You can delete this if you don’t want it sitting on the site.

  27. derfen: Dass raht bwoi, middle class AND down wit da kids.
    flirty: Won’t be long til The Running Man becomes a reality.
    blarneyman: The MTV bit was made up, the other thing is very real.
    medbh: Over here it means keeping things quiet…odd.
    Rambling Man: Are you serious?
    Brian: I just record what I want to watch and ignore the rest. There’s so much cack.
    MJ: I don’t know if MTV can afford him.
    Ellie: They would put any shite on tv. And they are.
    Lela: Vaguely, yeah. Speaking of which, is it just me or has there not been a decent sitcom for ages?
    Deb: You women and your hormones. If we talked like that we’d be hung out to dry.
    sam: Rightly so. The end is nigh.
    kara: You sound like just the kind of candidate we’re looking for, willing to degrade yourself at the whim of a random producer. You’re in.
    savannah: Power to the people. We all have to turn that crap off.
    mark: Sounds like a fuckin great idea. I’d be up for that.
    Bock: Heh, is Gere not one of those Scientology oddballs now?
    Debbie: It won’t be long, I bet they start something like it.
    whyioughtta: Which bit? Mine isn’t (yet), but the kidney thing….yeah. Fucked up.
    Melissa: Agreed.
    Eddie: You can hear traces of the accent breaking through now and then. He’ll say three or four slang words, and one really posh one. It’s a weird combo.

    Your tv show could be called “Having Great Crack”. I like it.

  28. Kim: Thanks. I won’t delete it, since you took the time to write it. Good to hear you kind of backing up my thoughts that it’s linked to the job situation – wasn’t sure if I was deluding myself.

  29. So I clicked on this yesterday at work. You are so going to get me fired.

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