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May 30, 2007 at 9:32 am | Posted in a complete absence of humour | 1 Comment

Sometimes something can be affecting you so fundamentally that you’re unable (unwilling?) to recognise its effects until you are forced to. So it is this week with work. I’m only now realising how much my ambition has been sapped by staying here for so long. I just can’t be bothered with anything anymore.

Self-esteem is low because I associate feeling good with achievement, and I’ve achieved fuck-all in recent months, unless you count Xbox360 achievements. Which I don’t.

I disregard letters. I let them build up, fully aware that I will get extremely agitated when there’s a pile of stuff sitting there for me to sort out. Then, surprisingly, I get extremely agitated, and angry with myself for letting the stuff pile up, but not angry enough to do anything. It’s the purest apathy I’ve ever felt, and I’m pissing myself off no end.

The anger subsides, and I sweep away the paperwork. You know, there are things I dealt with this week that have been hanging over me since March. Took half an hour to sort out, once I bothered my hole to look at them. Stupid. So fucking stupid.

I’m tired. All the time. My diet is shit, and I feel flabby.

I am fully fucking aware that all of this, everything that’s bothering me, is easily within my control to fix, but still I do nothing. I want to kick my own arse, but I can’t be arsed.

Sure, there are outside things, like the fact that I haven’t had a night out alone with my wife for nearly six months. Can’t get bogged down in that, that stuff’s out of my control. It’s this. There’s no excuse for me not taking responsibility for the stuff I can sort myself.

I’m hoping it’s just work that has drained me like this, and that the start of the new job will bounce me back to the way I used to be. Seriously, if I was reading this post on someone else’s blog, my comment would be “quit whining, you moaning cunt, and do something about it”. That’s why I’m turning comments off for this post*. I know what I need to do better than anyone. I just can’t bring myself to do it these days.

*why bother posting at all unless you want attention, you ask? For me, this blog’s as much a record of my life as anything else. I don’t want to forsake the bad stuff, but I don’t really want to dwell on it either.

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  1. […] by Kav and his struggles with in/action a far more eloquent post about this […]


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