Yeah but bacon tastes good, pork chops taste good.

May 30, 2007 at 9:33 am | Posted in family | 37 Comments

Linzi’s always had a healthy appetite. It’s something I find attractive in a lady. If I’m sitting there horsing into an enormous steak (mmm…meat), the last thing I want to see is someone sitting opposite me pecking at lettuce and pushing spuds around their plate. Food helps us bond.

In fact, our first date was in a restaurant. “Would you like to go out for food some time?” I asked her. “Food?” she replied, “That’s my favourite!”

We knew we were meant to be together when we ordered a side of onion rings that came out on a spike three feet high, with the rings towered on it like one of those Fisher-Price stacker things.

mmm....onion rings

Together we scoffed the lot, and I knew I’d met my soul mate. I almost came at the table.

Linzi recalls the first time we went to the cinema (The Blair Witch Project, back when it was just released in the US and everyone thought it was real). She missed whole chunks of the film, so intently was she staring at me – aghast and admiring at once – as I robotically, hand to mouth, devoured a full large-size popcorn. This was in America, remember, where a large portion of anything would feed 30 Ethiopians for a fortnight.

You can imagine my delight, therefore, upon arriving home yesterday evening, to be reminded that it was Linzi’s mother’s 70th birthday and we were all going out for something to eat. “Food!” I cried, “My favourite!”

And a fine meal it was too.

Until the end. Turns out Linzi had to make up a £15 shortfall in the bill because, ahem, certain other people hadn’t chipped in for things like coffee, garlic bread and the like. Okay, it’s only fifteen quid, but it’s the principle of the thing, innit?

Pah! Pah, I say!

the in-laws
The family in happier times (ie five minutes before the bill arrived)

I’m not sure of my bro-in-law’s feelings on net anonymity, but I didn’t want to ask his permission to post this, so I just spray-painted their heads. They’re all very attractive though, underneath the black masks of doom.

Note to Manuel: If you want to drastically reduce your chances of getting a tip, make sure you cut my first-born child out of the photo we ask you to take.



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  1. Food is life. Denial of food is denial of life. I’m always highly suspicious of people who don’t like it.

    Having said that…

    Getting to be 8 stone overweight because you love food so much doesn’t do much for your quality of life either.

  2. Yeah, when I was young I could eat whatever I wanted. These days, I hate that I have to watch what I’m doing.

  3. Ha! I have your fingerprints. Cool! What’ll I do now? Hack the Garda database and pop them in the really bad people who sell drugs to grannies file?

  4. Mmm foooood… looks like a good family night out!

    psst.. re that other post, you know, down there stop beating yourself up, and go get some excercise… mens sana in corpore sano (and so on)…

  5. Handsome family Kav!

  6. Hate when people don’t honour their portion of the bill, espcially when it’s a treat for one of the party.
    As for the other post, been feeling exactly the same way for almost a year, had an operation last year and I just haven’t been able to motivate myself. It’s human nature and winter, things will be better after a few sunny days and you get stuck into the new job.
    I’m away to fill in that form for the gym membership, it’s here somewhere!

  7. Food, I do love food so. Just as well I’m a gym rat or I’d be the size of…my mother. That’s all the motivation I need right there. Sigh, that baby’s awful cute.

  8. Sneezy you dog, give them back. I need them.
    Conan: I know, I know. Just working up to it.
    Aisling: Thank you. A lot of photoshop to get us that way though. This was me before the software did its magic.
    Ellie: Procrastinating’s the worst bit about it. I’ll do it later, ah yeah. I need to get my finger out.
    FMC: Methinks I need a powerful motivator like a lilac couch…

  9. I can send her over if you want.

  10. i hate that when people don’t pay their share of a bill. i have a bro-in-law that actually sits and works out exactly how much what he ate costs. if its less than the “split” he puts only that exact amount in. one day i’ll bounce his head off the table so i will!

  11. Yes, food is the best. Yummy food.

    Kav, you have a gorgeous family. Wow.

  12. Apparently, the fact that I’ll eat while on a date was incredibly attractive to my current date.

  13. Mmmm food…

    I went out for dinner a few years ago in a big group, and at the end one guy kicked up a huge fuss about dividing the bill because he hadn’t drunk any wine. So we totted up his share and it came to a fair bit over what he would have paid if we’d split it cos he’d had starters and side dishes no-one else had bothered with. Served him right, the greedy bastard…

    …tho I once paid a hundred quid (old money) for a mediocre meal at a hen party cos some of the bride’s other friends got rat-arsed on double vodkas the whole way through the meal…

  14. caro how very annoying that must have been – had similar myself. when they buy their own drinks they’re on glass’ of lager then aren’t they – witches!

  15. Food is my favourite too, love food, got to have food, I fucking fucking HATE it when people do that, or when you get them coffee cause they forgot their wallet one day and they don’t get it back, I know it’s only a couple of quid, but still, it’s the principal, no one likes a scab, those people should be named and shamed, it’s only fair.

  16. FMC: Ah no you’re alright. Sure what would you have to blog about?
    Towny: That’s what it was like last night. Linzi just accepted it and it was only after when she worked it all out that she realised. D’oh.
    Debbie: Thanks, I kinda like them too.
    Sassy: I can understand why he’d think so.
    Caro: I like it. Serves him right, the gobshite.

    Linzi got caught out on a hen night one time like that as well. She was wishing she’d just got hammered.
    Babs: Yeah – it’s the persistent offenders that annoy me most. Once or twice is forgivable, any more is taking the piss.

    I’m off site all afternoon, feel free to chat amongst yourselves.

  17. Your wife is beautiful! You look very different in this snap to others. Your in-laws look like smokey from Lost (what with the black smoke an’ all).

    Now I’m hungry.

  18. lovely family, sugar…*hugs* in the end that’s what it’s all about…family

  19. I follow Ben Franklin’s motto on food:
    Eat to live, don’t live to eat.

    What a lovely family photo, Kav. You and Linzi look crazy in love and happy.

  20. Sounds a lot like myself and Angie. Yesterday we went looking for a place called the route 66 diner, but got distracted by a big sign, and so ended up in an all-u-can-eat Sushi place.

    Very happy looking family there, Kav.

  21. Echoing the other comments re: food gooood. Also re: your family is beautiful. I didn’t know you were half vampire…or is that by marriage? You must be relieved you didn’t get the pesky “cannot be photographed/has no reflection” gene.

  22. We used to go out with a slew of co-workers after our shift. Inevitably, whoever was collecting the money for the bill would get mightily screwed. Of course, if we liked that person the rest of us would chip in and share the pain. However, if you were a prick, you were on your own, and pretty much fucked.

    Oh yeah – beware of those that leave early for ’tis they that have often paid less than what’s due… (old Irish proverb #2846178576)

  23. I didn’t recognize you without pencils shoved up your nostrils or gummy bears stuffed in your gob.

  24. Now that I see the real you, let the stalking begin! You’re a cutie pie for real.

    Your whole family is beautiful! (I’m taking your word on the in-laws)

  25. You & Linzi make a cute couple. That picture would have been perfect if your pretty girl had been all the way in it!

  26. OMG! There are bees attacking your family!

  27. What a lovely family photo! But what did you do to the lady in green to make her hair stand on end like that? I hope your mammy-in-law had a lovely time – everyone looks really jolly.

  28. Ohhh! Tell Linzi I think her hair looked really good.
    I love when you post pics!

  29. You see Kav your first mistake was letting Linzi make up the shortfall in the cash. You are meant to stiff the waiter on the tip. Thats what most bastards do. You are clearly not a bastard and I salute you. I swear I take fifty photographs a week. Now this wasn’t a problem in the long ago, the time before digital. You took the photo and handed the camera back. If it was shite it didn’t matter cos they never knew til days later. Now if they don’t like it they can check the camera and hand it back to you. I’m the bloody Ansel Adams of the restaurant. And with every mobile phone having a camera feature you have to take a picture for everyone. Never heard of email you twats. Hope you had a good night though and the waiter didn’t crack on to Linzi. I would have. Is it inappropriate to say that? Waiters! No morals.

  30. Looks like everyone was having a good time. Such a beautiful family, Kav! Though the ones on the left seem to have a little schmutz going on …

  31. Those are some really good looking people. How much did you have to pay them to be seen with you? Can I hire them in place of my family for our next get-together?

  32. Blarneyman: Smokey for Lost, heh. I get angry about Lost whenever I think about it now. Stupid fucking Sky. And yes, she’s go h-álainn.
    Savannah: True words indeed.
    Medbh: Thanks. We’re fortunate to have one another. Ben Franklin sounds like a crazy fool. Living’s all about eating! Isn’t it? Hmmm…
    Derfen: Heh, appearances can be deceiving. Mmm, all you can eat places… my favourite kind of food place.
    whyioughtta: Heh, they’re there behind the MS sprayPaint, but I’m always reluctant to mention anything about L’s family here. They would strongly disapprove of what goes on around here. Very strongly.
    Mark: Interesting approach, I’ve never seen it done that way. Does that mean Linzi’s brother thinks…no, better not go down that road.
    MJ: I’m a veritable chameleon. Anyway, like I said above, Photoshop works wonders.
    jali: Heh, thanks. Indeed, they’re lovely.
    Lela: I know, I was so annoyed when I saw she was cut out of it.
    Howard: Haha, I warned them not to slather their faces with sweet sweet nectar, but they just ignored me.
    Sam: Heh, great observation. I must say that to her.
    Summer: I will. She’ll probably be reading this at some point today, so you’ll have told her yourself. I think if I post pics sparingly, it makes them a bit more interesting than having random family photos post after post.
    Manuel: I can imagine how irritating that must be for you, especially with the bigger groups when someone always ends up looking like a plike (usually me, I must admit).

    Heh, I don’t think the waiter cracked on to her, but I was dealing with the kids a lot so he may have slipped her the odd wink here and there.
    Melissa: What, pray tell, is schmutz? And yeah, it was a really good evening, which was a relief.
    Slim: Hah, you know, we have this photo frame at home and it says “Family” on it, but we’ve never got around to putting one of us in it. There’s still just a black and white photo of this random model perfect family in there, and every time people come to visit, I tell them it’s my family back in Ireland. It’s little things like this that keep me going.

  33. Kav those children are gorgeous!!! and so is Linzi…whats she doing with you?…kidding..
    I love my grub too and it was a definite factor in My husbands falling for me..he still takes pride in telling all of our friends that I can eat him under the table..
    I hate that bill thing too…we’re going to dinner with some friends on sat and the opposite will happen..two of my friends husbands will POUR the booze down their necks champagne, wine…will all disappear in seconds and the hubby and I will get a glass if we’re lucky..We’ll pay for all of the wine drunk at the table though…I feel mean to say it but it bothers me..

  34. whats she doing with you?

    I ask myself that sometimes too.

    Nothing mean about it, it’s sneaky bastards taking advantage is all it is. You should guzzle it back along with them, may as well get your money’s worth if you’re going to be forking out for it.

  35. Schmutz is Yiddish and just means dirt, like “You’ve got a little schmutz on your sleeve.”

  36. I never knew your wife was so beautiful. That’s where the kids get it, it’s all clear to me now.

  37. Your wife is gorgeous. Ask your server to take two next time. I always offer to take two.

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