Cringeworthy speech time

May 31, 2007 at 11:26 pm | Posted in fun at work, fundraising | 23 Comments

It’s my last day of work tomorrow, and inevitably there will be one of those awkward presentation things, at the end of which I will be forced to give a meaningless speech about how much I enjoyed working with everyone. Anyone got any advice on how to inject a bit of humour into this unpleasantness?

Oh, and it’d be remiss of me not to mention Linzi’s Race for Life thing, seeing as you were so generous, and it happened almost a full week ago. Oops. She’s said her own thank you here, but I just wanted to echo it to specifically thank anyone who contributed on the back of reading this blog. £515, people! You guys kick arse.

On the night of the race, I was roped into signing up for the 10k being held in October, so I might come begging to you again in a few months time. If nothing else, that run will give me a bit of motivation to get back in shape. It’d be nice to raise a bit of money too, I suppose.

Anyway, the main bit’s my leaving speech. Get your thinking shillelaghs out and whack yerselves over the head a few times. I’m looking for scintillating, razor-sharp wit, which I know you all have in abundance. Hit me with your best badoom-boom-tish lines so I can steal them tomorrow afternoon.



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  1. Jaysus…no comments!!!!! u r fckd!!

    Tell them “It’s been emotional/real” and that if it weren’t for the 15/18 mingers in the office(let them work it out for themselves or alternatively provide a list -preferably with photos) you’ve been working with for the last [period of time] you’d have shagged more birds than Jason [there’s always a Jason].

    Also tell tham that it was you who shat in the family size marmiite jar (though that could actually have beeen at home) and that you will will not miss that odours of nor the sexual advances of . Tell them you know who shagged who in the last [x] months and that if they want the photos back…they can fuck off.

    That should be fairly harmless…as last nights out” go. Good luck!!

    BTW – if the above does not go smoothly, be sure and let me know…

  2. Jaysus – I am glad for the Silicon Valley way of doing this. You just leave and thats it. No speeches or presentations.

  3. whatever you say just remember to cry at the end. You wont be forgotten if you cry. And not just a little sob either a full on wailing and crying match like a Palestinan woman at a funeral.

  4. What would George Bush do?

  5. don’t give in to the pressure to give some lame ass thank-you-very-much-i-shall-miss-you-all bullshit…stand up, give a half ass wave and then smile and sit down…the less said the better.

  6. Anyone got any advice on how to inject a bit of humour into this unpleasantness?

    Get your lad out. You won’t have to worry about what to say, because no one will remember your words, they’ll be too busy staring at your lad.

  7. Tell the one about the two nuns and the donkey. Kills ’em every time. If it falls flat and the room is silent, follow Sparrows advice and get yer lad out. Everyone is looking at you anyway…..

  8. I’m with Manuel. Nothing says I’ll miss you like a good ullulation. But for God’s sake wear a condom.

  9. If you’re going to get yer lad out bring an overhead projector so the people at the back can see it. Heres what to do, get all misty eyed and say, “I’d like to tell you all how much you’ll be missed, but not by me” and fling some feces at them funny as fuck lad.

    Oh and spit at them.

  10. Whatever you do say, finish with I’ll take questions now.

  11. Well done to Linzi and good luck yourself!

  12. I vote for all the humorous ones said so far! The more you involve your peen, the better.

    Since I’m trying to repair the damage from the last post, I’ll sucker up and give a serious reply:

    Tell everyone how much you enjoyed working with everyone over the last XX years and you only hope you can find such a great bunch of people at your next job!
    (Well, maybe a better looking bunch.)

    There, I wrecked it at the end. Fuck, I can’t ever be serious.

  13. When myself and my mate were leaving a company to go travelling she made the speech. It was short but sweet she said “The work was shit but the people were nice, Thanks.”

  14. i’m with magicmatilda. or you could just get your stuff and go to the pub, skip the speech, what can they do to you?!

  15. I like Twenty’s ‘So long cuntos!’ I feel it has real merit.*

    *(get any reference you might need in writing first)

  16. Say, “ Feel free to leave a comment. Thank you. Goodbye.”

  17. I’m with Blarneyman. His suggestion is genius.

  18. cantona: Nice and subtle, I like it.
    John: That sound ideal to me. Wish we did it like that here.
    cybez: Are you suggesting I invade them all in the name of democracy and oil?
    manuel: If I cried at this thing, I’d forever be known as “that fuckin weird cunt who cried when he was leaving”. No chance mate.
    savannah: Definitely have to keep it snappy, but want to be sincere as well, as I do like most of these people, and don’t want to burn any bridges.
    slim: Now this I can do. I don’t know though – once I pull him out of his ankle-sheath (my sock), the evening could be ruined – the lads will all be jealous of my monstrous behemoth, and will just ignore me, and the women will be all over me gasping for a taste. It’s probably best if I keep him zipped up for Linzi’s enjoyment when I arrive home bollixed later.
    eddie: You can’t beat a good nun joke. I might try to slip one in…
    sam: Wo will the condom protect, me or them? I don’t know if I could put myself through it.
    knudsen: Flinging shite always goes down well. I have some in a tub here at my desk, just in case.
    sneezy: I was going to start with “You’re probably wondering why I’ve asked you to come down here today…”
    aisling: Thanks.
    summer: Don’t be daft, your comment was spot on. I was just agitated. I might just have to go for the sincere approach, if I can’t think of anything else.
    matilda: Welcome along. That’s a great speech, don’t know if I could pull it off though.
    towny: The crappy thing is, these presentations are usually mid-afternoon, too early to piss off to t’pub beforehand. Otherwise, I definitely would.
    Cat: Again, a classic, but I might be back working for these lads at some point, so can’t do anything to screw that up. Oh for life not to have consequences.
    blarneyman: Excellent, I’m sure they’d be delighted to read about my masturbation habits and the like.

  19. Just don’t be HONEST!!!

  20. Dig out that wonderful goodbye email that the kpmg worker sent out a few months ago, it was genius.

  21. is it: No, definitely not the way to go.
    flirty: I’ve never seen that, and can’t find it online. Bah.

  22. Yo Kav don’t invade them all in the name of democracy and oil. Just try and include a few future classic quotes that they’ll remember you by.Whatever you do, don’t do it right 🙂

  23. […] present ever June 1, 2007 at 3:02 pm | In Uncategorized | Well, the speech thing was okay, went for the sincere-but-with-one-joke-thrown-in approach. My going away present is […]

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