Give me strength

May 31, 2007 at 9:27 am | Posted in cunts, fun at work | 43 Comments


Option 6.

Option 6 again.

Please hold.


“Hello, I’d like to sort out a simple piece of business please.”

“Sorry, sir, you’ll have to phone our employee helpline – the number is whateverthefuck.”

“Ok, thanks.”


Your business is important to us, please hold.

Okay? Now hold a bit longer.

Right then, we’ll have you now.

“Hello, I can’t speak English, how may I help you?”

“Hello, I’d like to sort out a simple piece of business please. I was referred to you by your delightful customer representatives.”

“Sorry sir, we don’t hold that information. You need to call someotherfuckingnumber to get the details on that.”


“Ok, thanks.”


Option 1.

Option 4.

Please hold.

“Hello, I have a bad fucking attitude and it’s a testament to this company’s abysmal recruitment processes that they gave me a customer-facing role, how can I do anything to avoid helping you today?”

“Hello, I’d like to sort out a simple piece of business please. I was referred to you by your employee helpline, who were referred to me by your delightful customer representatives.”

“Sorry sir, we don’t hold that information, you need to call thesamefuckingnumberyoucalledinthefirstplace and select Option 6, and then Option 6 again to get what you need.”

“No, listen to me: that’s the same number I dialled in the first place. I’ve been passed from pillar to post all morning and I am getting nowhere. I need to get this situation rectified. Can you help me in any way?”


“Alright then. You cunt.”

I have repeated the above scenario three times this morning. I am ready to slam my head off the fucking desk, I’m so angry. I finally got a different number, which is on perpetual hold as I type this.

Why the fuck can these cunts not do their job properly?


Later: You know, doing the work I do, I know exactly why these cunts can’t do their job properly. It’s because they have half a dozen legacy applications, each containing slightly different information about you, and none of them have interfaces to share this information. It’s all standalone. Is it any wonder the poor call centre gobshites haven’t a clue what’s going on?



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  1. Plain and simple…

    1. They need a raise. (Doesn’t everyone?)
    2. They need to get laid.
    3. I should comment when I’m drinking more often. I can really solve all of the worlds problems!

    Yay for liqour! (I’ve got a little Captain in me, ya know?!)

  2. It’s 3:39a.m. my time. For the record.

  3. and to top it all off they invariably play soft rock ballads while on hold

  4. Summer: those things are probably all true, but they won’t address the underlying issue. Companies don’t do enough to make sure their systems are harmonised. Every time you call a number and they say “I don’t hold that info, you need to call this number, it’s because a consistent IT architecture is non-existent. They’re all off doing their own thing, leaving the customer totally lost.
    Sorry, there was you leaving a humorous comment and I get on my high horse about this. Grrr.
    Conor: I’d have preferred that to the squawking “DUE TO A HIGH VOLUME OF CALLS…” voice I had to ensure over and over and over.

  5. They are all too busy blogging to give a feck! Is that your phone ringing Kav? Just ignore it eh?

  6. Brilliant Kav. I used to work for a large english bank (full to the brim with er… bankers)in the very department that were trying to join up all these systems and databases. all they ever really did was talk about how difficult it would be to do and then make it worse. utter tosh it was

  7. Ellie: Ha! Despite all the attention I give it, it still comes second to work. And by right, I wouldn’t allow anyone whose job is answering phones to customers to have access to the internet while they worked. But that’s just me.

  8. My favorite is when they insist they have no record of you calling before that their records are obviously flawless and you are a compulsive liar.

    Why did you delete yesterday’s post, I tried to link to it?

  9. Townygirl: Yeah, these things are definitely a total nightmare, but that’s no excuse for them to try to make it better. There’s a huge project going on in here right now in HR, and they have made a complete fucking tosh of it, because they’re all running around like headless chickens not knowing what they really want to achieve.

    Jesus, I’m getting all worked up and serious today.

  10. Flirty, I didn’t delete any post from yesterday? Which one are you referring to?
    Oh wait, I know what it is. I turned trackbacks off for it. I’ve fixed it now so you should be able to link it.
    And you know what all the fluster was about this morning – the got one letter wrong in my postcode. So I know exactly where you’re coming from about insisting their data is perfect and it must be me who’s at fault.

  11. have you ever tried to sort something out with eircom? i moved three months ago about three houses down and i’m still waiting for my phone… they have one of those overspill call centres abroad…no one can speak english properly. i’m thinking os using smoke signals instead

  12. They no longer have a monopoly in Ireland, do they? You should just change providers.

  13. Isn’t it sooo annoying? JESUS! Eircom have to be the worst though, actually 3G is, they are all foreigners with extremely difficult-to-understand-voices, will not let you explain your problem without interrupting and get this: my phone was fecked a few months ago so I rang them from my landline. And because I didn’t know the exact time I made my first phone call from my mobile, they could not help me! Isn’t that just ridiculous? Jeez kav, I was in flying form all morning, now I’m chewing me lip, biting me fingernails, smoking fags, aka, I’M FUCKING PISSED OFF. Thanks.

  14. I agree with Futt, Eircom are the very very very worst when it comes to this kind of thing, and NTL are pretty nerve shattering too. Combine them and the only way to make any calls at al is to be poppered up on xanex first.

  15. I had it with paperwork yesterday. Welfare form ABC said you must first register with Revenue using form XYZ. Revenue form XYZ said you must first register with Welfare using form ABC.

    Both offices did answer my calls but the outcome in both cases was sorry, we can’t process your request if you’re not already registered with Revenue/Welfare.

  16. I love making those calls. You know you’re not going to get a solution. You know they don’t have the information. You know they can’t tell you who does. You know if you persevere you will loop around on yourself. And you know you really need the solution. Or if you don’t, press 3.

    What’s not to like?

    Have you told them you’re recording the call?

  17. I moved house a year and a half ago and still haven’t got either a landline or broadband because I haven’t the strength to fill out a million application forms and contracts, send them by registered post along with photocopies of every document I possess, make 60 calls to the post office when the registered letters go missing, re-fill out all the forms again when I realise I forgot to put in my middle name which I never use in Ireland but the Italians insist on cos it’s on my fucking passport, 39 more follow-up calls, then a six-month wait till some technician comes out and informs me that broadband hasn’t actually reached my area and that something is missing from my paperwork and I didn’t sign in blood and therefore have to start all over again. So I’m saving myself the hassle.

  18. Flutt: Eircom seems to be a biggie, why don’t you all just change provider? Or do they make it so difficult that it’s just not possible? Use the anger constuctively, Flutt. Go out and shake your fist and shout at cars.
    Cat: I could do with some Xanax right now, I could. And a bottle of vodka.
    Sneezy: Typical. For Christ’s sake. You know well the only way you’re going to get it sorted is by writing a tortuous letter and snail-mailing it.
    Eolaí: Stop, stop. The wound’s still too raw to be making jokes. The good news is that my boss has given me permission to kill them all once I get my money.

  19. Caro: I feel your pain. When I moved to Scotland, I had to go through that shite, albeit it probably wasn’t as difficult as that. I have that same shitey problem with the passport though – I go by what is technically my middle name, and it causes me no end of bother.

  20. Here’s the story so far:
    1: They had my postcode documented incorrectly, so they couldn’t find my details. Time taken to resolve: 40 minutes.
    2: They had posted my cheque to my old address, despite me phoning on several occasions to confirm that they had updated my new address. Ah but you see the computer system that they use to document my address isn’t linked to the one they use to mail out cheques, which still had my old address on it, and that’s why you haven’t yet received it sir. Gobshites. Time taken to resolve: 50 minutes.
    3: The cheque is not for the right amount. In fact, it’s less than half what I was expecting. I query this. Mucho digging later, they pull out the original form I sent my request in on. Ah yes sir, I see you did select option one – Cash Payment. There’s been a processing error and someone has selected Option Two – part cash, part shares. We’ll investigate that and get back to you within the next couple of days.
    Time taken on this (so far): An hour and fifteen minutes, with no sign of a resolution in sight.
    I’m just relieved at this point to know that (a) they know I exist and have a record of me and (b) that it’s them who fucked up and have to put things right, and not me. Still though, what cunts.

    Also, number of telephone numbers I have been given to call over the last three hours: Seven.

  21. “hello, I cant speak english” rotflmao

  22. Feck you, Kav. My job involves answering the phone and I have internet access. I never miss a call. I am glad you’re my manager. To take away the internet would be to take away my sanity. Answering the phone all day is one of the toughest jobs there is. It’s a form of Chinese torture, trust me.

  23. *you’re not my manager

  24. Kav, you’ve been dialing the wrong number. It’s whatthefuckdoihavetofuckingdotogetafuckinghumanbeing. Then you press option 23456734. Then you have to say, “Aha. I see you’ve been listening to soft jazz all day. How’s about a change of tune?” Then, they’ll help you.

    You poor thing.

  25. btw, you just reminded me of my own run-ins with a computer voiced taxi service in Sydney.

    Me: “Hi, I’d like… [interuptted]
    Computer: “You are speaking to a voice recognition systems operator, please say YES if you understand.”
    M: “Emm, YES.”
    C: “You have answered YES.”
    M: “I know.”
    C: “You have answered NO.”
    M: “NO, I said YES.”
    C: “If you do not understand please press seven, followed by the Hash key, the hash key is located…”

  26. i had a call from the customer complaint department and she was as rude. i asked her if she was going to apologise at any point for the delay and she said she didn’t have to because there was no guarantee for time frame. i have her name…i shall hunt her down and ….disconnect her bloody phone.

  27. caro, i think you have the right idea

  28. I had similar issues this morning. I was trying to organise for someone to collect my junk because I’m moving house and I want to discard bits an’ pieces. My Japanese is shite/non-existent and the English service I rang didn’t quite offer what they promised. There was lots of A.B.C.D., i.e., going through the alphabet and stopping at the correct letter, just to spell my name.
    Still not sure if it’s sorted…

  29. Blarneyman: Heh, great post. I know answering the phone sucks, but you still shouldn’t be allowed have the internet. Not even at home. You just can’t handle what’s out there.
    Sassy: So that’s where I’ve been going wrong. It’s okay though, soon they will all be dead.
    Towny: Go for it. Be ruthless.
    GG: If I was in that situation, I’d double and triple check. Then I’d check again. Trust no-one.

  30. Wow.
    I think you have to applaud them for their refreshing honesty. You probably didn’t help matters yourself though by singing “Deet-doot-deet” at regular intervals of the conversation. Bound to wind them up.

  31. Yeah but I had to do something to get them back.

  32. its because they simply don’t have a process in place to deal with anything that isn’t on their job sheet. i.e. the standard answers that are read out from a sheet. it requires iniative to help a non-standard problem.

  33. The best holding tone is eircom’s:

    ‘Please hold, your call is important to us’

    Aye, important me bollocks it is. Eircom come a close second to Dell in Most Useless Phone Centre People.

  34. The broadband crowd has my money for 2 months now. I ring them regular, like. There are, it seems, very very very very many logical reasons for their not responding or supplying me the service I’ve paid them for. They are licensed by the state. They are grant funded by two departments of government. They want a license to print money, I mean a license to provide a national broadband service. Their market valuation has gone from 0 to €10million in five years. No one asks if they provide a good service to their customers. I hear one customer has not been supplied service by them after five months’ wait. Did I say they have a call centre? The wrath of Drumm will be with them soon.

  35. heh… at a previous job, I would get upwards of 300 phone calls a day… at home, when the phone rings it instantly pisses me off… i hate the phone with a passion. i keep a cell for emergencies, and a land for internet at home, but typically, it rings, i ignore, and the world is a safer place..

    excellent job keeping your cool kav… i have much less patience for stupidity and ignorance… bravo! 🙂

    and the “hello, i don’t speak english” ? stellar!

  36. A big part of my last job was phone support. It was a small company so not your regular corporate helpdesk shite. My policy was, if you start swearing or getting an attitude, you’re getting the same back from me (depending on my mood on a given day, it could be mild or spicy). Tim and i shared an office, and both worked the same position in the company, our only real boss was the GM. So when a customer would ask to speak to a supervisor, i’d put them on hold and we’d bitch about what an asshole this guy is, and then Tim would pick up the phone as my “supervisor” and back me up and i would do the same for him.

  37. I don’t deal with Eircom at home but I have to at work. So anymore when I have to ring the eircom and have to speak to the robot, I just talk jibberish and he says:”Sorry, I cannot understand you. Please hoold while I connect you to an operator”. Problem solved. Well, that problem is solved but they can never EVER solve the problem I rang with in the first place.
    Jeez. Feck that fist shaking, I’ll just go out and bludgeon someone to death with my slash hook.

  38. OMG – I HATE to call companies these days – I get frustrated and repeatedly press “O” in the sad but mistaken belief that I have the power to foil the phone queue. If at all possible, I find their website and wait the f***ing 24 hours for the stupid response. Then I plan to write an actual letter to the CEO of the company. Then I get distracted and forget the whole thing. That’s the point. They want us to leave them the hell alone.

  39. Rambling Man: Yeah, there’s definitely an element of that too, particularly when you get the no habla brigade.
    Dario: So important is your call that we will endeavour to keep you on hold for as long as possible in the hope that you might hang up before we get to you.
    Conan: What a nightmare – I’ve heard so many complaints from people in that situation. Disgraceful.
    Miss B: Yeah, I always avoid the phone at home too. Linzi’s got a proper telephone voice so she almost always picks up. I hate answering the phone, or even talking on it. It’s unnatural.
    derfen: Brilliant, I love it. Must’ve saved you out of a few scrapes.
    Flutt, a slash hook is wasted if you only use it to bludgeon. Make sure you do a bit of gouging as well.
    jali: Couldn’t have said it better – I’m sure some of these companies have exactly that attitude. Well, perhaps not the companies, but certainly the stressed-out call centre managers.

  40. they are all CUNTS…..especially the ntl cunts.

  41. each containing slightly different information about you,

    CIA? MI5? MI6? who the fuck Kav? who is cuming for me this time? you owe me that much at least.

  42. It’s the ICA Knudsen.

  43. No really, I apologize. That’s what happens when I hit the bottle! Crazy, wild Summer escapes and has no idea what she’s saying when.

    **Opens mouth inserts foot**

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