Watch how you play

June 3, 2007 at 10:21 am | Posted in James Bond-like smoothness | 41 Comments

Linzi and I finally got a night out together. We went for a delicious dinner in Glasgow last night, and on for a few beverages afterwards. We got the train home, a bit tipsy but not too locked. The late evening trains are a curse for dodgy crowds of youths and not-so-youths hopped up on Bucky and hormones, and we weren’t surprised when Linzi received several crude comments over the course of our journey.

When we got off at our stop, we were a bit perturbed to find that the same gang of lads that had been making the comments had also got off. Shite. We walked quickly, trying to put a bit of distance between us and them.

“Hey. Mister.”

Linzi squeezed my hand. Fuck. I turned around.

“Mister. Got a fag?”

“Nah lads, don’t smoke,” I replied. I stood in front of Linzi, wary, as they walked towards me. There were four of them. Skinny little bastards, but still dangerous. Consequences are irrelevant to this type – they have nothing to lose anyway. I took a step backwards, almost trampling Linzi, having spotted the blade one of them was carrying. The lad in front, holding a green bottle of Buckfast in the traditional brown paper bag, started saying something else to me, but I ignored him. Grabbing Linzi’s hand I dragged her and together we sprinted up the hill out of the station, and down the road towards home.

The streetlights ended at the bottom of the road leading into our estate. We were well ahead of the scumbags, running just as fast as we could, holding onto one another’s hands. Linzi was still trying to get away into the night, when I put my arms around her and we tumbled to the ground, and then I said “I think we’re alone now.”

She looked back. “Agreed,” she said “There doesn’t seem to be anyone around. In fact, if you listen carefully, the beating of our hearts is the only sound.”

So we went home.



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  1. The sad truth is that we still haven’t had a night out and this is all lies.

    Lies based on 80’s pop music, which are the best kind of lies.

  2. you crazy bloke!!!
    Happy Sunday to you and Linzi..

  3. You’re turning into Twenty Major.


  4. I was going to say, “You quote a Tiffany remake to her after that?!”, but I see you beat me to that joke.

    I’m glad you’re both quite alright.

  5. Spa

  6. Grabbing Linzi’s hand I dragged her and together we sprinted up the hill out of the station

    I knew it was a lie. Sorry mate but you don’t strike me as much of a sprinter

  7. How funny. James Bond, indeed.

  8. Very good. The Snmiths have the easiest lyrics/song titles to get into conversation or a blog, but stop me if you think have heard this one before.

  9. There I was being thankful the Linzi had decent shoes on for running in. Grrrrr 🙂

  10. as we say in the south: “you aint right” which is a backhanded way of saying…good story, sugar!

  11. Now, see, if you ever are in that sort of situation, you can just both burst out in 80’s songs, and that ought to scare the fuckers off.

  12. Bahahaha!

    Loved the Tiffany reference. I couldn’t see you as much of a sprinter, though. That part gave it away. I love made up stories!

  13. Tiffany ? I used to think you were cool.

    Never leave home with anything you aren’t prepared to lose, yer woman should have got stuck into them while you got away, what was all that standing in front of her stuff about? you mong.

  14. If you ever are in that situation, I would think that bursting in to cheesy 80’s songs would be enough to scare the thugs away.

  15. oh my god – you definitely need to go for a night out soon 🙂

  16. Kav, Kav Kav. I like it.

    Hope you had fun beforehand. As one of those not-so-young drunken people on trains, I can only hope you forgive the ones who keep their drunkeness to themselves. We old farts have to have some fun, right?

  17. For fucks sake…………….

  18. Oh Kav, I’ve been sitting on one of these for ages too, and just like you I’m not letting that Twenty fecker stop me.

  19. I need a hero, indeed. It must have been love, Kav, but it’s over now. Nothings gonna stop ya now that ye built that city on rock ‘n’ roll! Anyway, sounds like you’ve got the eye of the tiger and oh I can’t be arsed…

  20. Sounds like another Manic Monday.

    Booyah! Got one more in.

  21. Oh Kav, I know exactly how you feel, especially today:
    Have to catch an early train, got to be to work by nine
    And if I had an air-o-plane, I still couldn’t make it on time
    ‘Cause it takes me so long just to figure out what I’m gonna wear
    Blame it on the train but the boss is already there.

    Do you empathise??

  22. Hey Kav, were you ‘running up that road, running up that hill’?

  23. Cool! Nah – Kewl!

    I love it.

  24. I fell for it. I clicked on comments to ask if you two were okay.
    You dingbat!! 🙂

  25. LOL… you had me up until where she answered… ya fruitloop! 🙂

  26. That’s the worst song ever. Well…next to Ebony and Ivory. So it’s the second worst song ever. Well…next to Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head. So it’s the third worst song ever. Well…almost.

  27. Linzi must have been worried this morning…Because…her baby takes the morning train. He works from 9 to 5 and then. He takes another home again. (To find her waiting for him. Which isn’t so bad.)

    (Sorry…is a Sheena Easton reference too obscure? Too old? Actually, don’t answer that.)

  28. You had me right up until “running just as fast as we can, holding onto one another’s hands.” Nice one, Kav.

  29. Ha! Not afraid to admit how much I love that song.

    Reminds me of when my Fiancee spotted some guy who was following us in Paris. I picked up a rock and threw it at him baseball-style. It hit him right in the forehead. I’m not sure if he was okay, but we ran away anyways.

  30. good one Kav you had me going there, I read it on my Google reader before seeing the comments on your blog, I thought it was for real, until the Tiffany bit clicked in…

  31. You ARE strange but you already know that.

    It’s so weird, I dreamt about you and Linzi last night. You were cooking and the smoke alarm went off. And that was it.

    Who wants to analyze that?

  32. Well if you ever do go out for that meal, make sure Linzi wears trainers and not high heels…

  33. get a cab home when you do eventually go on that night nerves couldn’t take the strain otherwise….

  34. Tiff’ny, fer fuck’s sake!! Could you not have gone for… Hold me now.. (pick your lyric thereafter), ya bollix!

  35. I guess this means Kav is no longer blogging.

  36. Getting very slack this fella,- sick one day, interviewing another…you can’t get good blogging help anymore

  37. I heard that the new job is all a load of bollocks and that he’s actually off ghostwriting Twenty Major’s book for him.

  38. so that’s what all the cunts per line was all about a few weeks ago. Practise !

  39. You langer! It really rang false when Linzi didn’t batter fuck out of your would be assailants with her handbag while you cowered behind her.

  40. The pot wants to call the kettle black so…. all work and no blog will make Kav a dull boy! 🙂

  41. Y’all make me laugh, and I sure need a fucking laugh, so thanks. The Sheena Easton one, classic. I used to love that one.

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