Pus-filled fun

June 19, 2007 at 12:06 am | Posted in the pus was thick and viscous like custard | 69 Comments

Had to spend this evening in Casualty. I woke last Friday with a lump on my head, right where my cheek meets my earlobe. It was fairly painful, but I thought nothing of it. By Saturday it had doubled in size. By Sunday it had doubled again, and it was agony even to the lightest touch. So, to hospital I went.

Being a reasonable chap, I knew it had to be one of three options:

(a) a pus-filled abscess
(b) cancer of the earlobe, or possibly the lymphatic system
(c) my unborn twin, whose fetus I mysteriously absorbed into myself while still in the womb, was starting to grow inside me and was about to burst out through the side of my head.

Obviously (c), despite being the coolest option, was unlikely. It had to be cancer. Cancer of the earlobe, the worst kind. You shouldn’t joke about these things. Still, what else is there to do when you’re as close to death as I was? I hope you always remember that I kept a smile on my face right to the end.

I was gutted when the doc told me it was an abscess, and not at all life-threatening. However, if I keep getting them, it may mean I’m diabetic, so that’s something, at least.

The coolest bit was when he gave me a local anaesthetic and sliced it open. You should’ve seen the amount of yellowish-black gunk that came out of it. He used fourteen cloths to clean it out. I counted. Gunky.

I have to go around for the next few days with a plaster the size of an envelope on my face. I spent the rest of this evening practicing my “Phantom of the Opera” move. Look at me, look at me, look, look, yes, I’m normal, yes, don’t be afraid my pet…

Then HYEEA! I turn and brandish my hideous deformed right cheek and you cower and shriek like the child you wish you still were.

I hope you are doing well. I miss you all, my little bloglings.



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  1. You sicken me.

  2. I miss you the most, minky.

  3. Are you washing your ears too vigorously?

    Amazing what the body can produce, isn’t it? If you’re one of the lucky ones prone to this sort of thing, you can try to set a personal best each time. Fourteen cloths? Pah! Go for twenty next time!

  4. Cheers Kav. We’ve missed you. But you are back to us in all your suppurative scrofulous glory. As Fattymammycat might say – huzzah.

  5. Yikes, I meant Fatmammycat.

  6. Wow. Just wow. And had to smell something awful, too.


    Forget dinner, I’m not hungry aaaanymore ..

  7. How deep is the hole in yr face Kav? Sorry, I have a sort of gross infatuation with this sort of thing. Right I’m off to google “Puss Filled Abcesses”

  8. Sounds like one of the unpleasant symptoms of blog-post withdrawal. I know this one guy, he hadn’t posted for over two weeks, and his bollocks fell right off.
    The only way to avoid this sort of thing is to post to your blog at least once a day.

  9. d) Unhatched nest of baby tarantulas.

    Either way, that was a great story, Mr. Phantom. I laughed, I cried, I dry-heaved. I lived it.

  10. Wow! The ultimate zit! You lucky feker.

  11. Oh I’m so happy to have found you – your very funny!
    I had a tumour cut out of my left cheek (on my face, naturally) and I too took massive delight in grossing people out with my oozing red scar. My daughter banned me from picking her up from school for two weeks. I had to wait in the car.

    Wear your gunky sore as a badge of honour.

    Not all can be so lucky.

  12. Will you be scarred?

    Physically I mean – obviously you’re already carrying so much emotional baggage that any psychological stuff would just be absorbed, like pus into 14 cloths.

  13. Yer so filled with poison and bile its growing out of you. I had a massive zit on my cock once, that was fun to pop. I haven’t missed you cunt.

  14. Awesome. I assume you took photos.

  15. Was it an ingrowing hair?Have you seen the movie ‘How to get ahead in advertising’? maybe there is another Kav…

  16. Lucky fecker, I can only dream of an abcess that would take 14 swabs to clean it up.
    But it still wouldn’t beat popping one of those massive black heads that old people get on their noses!

  17. did it stink ?

  18. If you don’t get rid of the bad stuff via blogging, you might as well get used to expectorating pus on a regular basis. Imagine the mess if Twenty gave it up for a week. It looked like it nearly killed Sweary there a few weeks back.

  19. I just threw up in my mouth. Thanks.

  20. Puss is just gross.

    The twin would have been super cool though.

  21. And there I was, hoping for a trip to Scutland.

  22. That label made my stomach flip a little.

    You are the second person to make me think of How to Get Ahead in Advertising in two days. If someone else does it, it’ll be a trend. A very disgusting trend.

    Hope you get better.

  23. You got Sam’s goiter, you pustulent carbuncle! It must be a Scottish thing. Give it back, she needs it to feed her hypochondriasis. It won’t grow without it.

    I take it you bottled the pus? Pictures please!

    Oh, alright, get well soon!

  24. Thank fuck you didn’t post pictures. The Spouse Sparrow was telling me all about your pus-filled pet while I was fixing a tuna sandwich. It’s his new diet plan for me, apparently. Didn’t work.

  25. Post pictures

  26. Hang in there for us! I know it’s hard to be strong in these times, but we love you as does the world. The loss of you would be the type of loss felt if one Wal-Mart closed its doors in American.

    As Wilson Phillips sang — hold on!

  27. eeeewwwwwwwwwwwww…



  28. Get well soon! Sounds gross! Looking at your Top Posts on the right hand side there, there’s lots of posts with poo, puss and all sorts of yeuch bodily functions……we seem to love hearing about them.

  29. I was rooting for the “C” option, Kav.
    Be careful it doesn’t get infected.
    Was that a physical manifestation of your psychological distress? The mind-body connection is significant.

  30. Bleeeeeeeeee. Do you need stitches?

  31. Goddammit I was eating my breakfast .
    It doesn’t look so good anymore

  32. Btw, did you get leave of abcess from work?

  33. Black & yellow – mmm stylish. Do you have any bad molars on that side of your wee face?

    BTW – I was having trouble getting back into dieting, but thanks, I’ll be right off my food for a good three weeks now.

  34. “Btw, did you get leave of abcess from work?”


  35. Photos?

  36. Thats fucking disgusting. You horrible, horrible person.

  37. But other than the oozing pus filled thing, you’re still gorgeous – yeah ?

  38. Kav, I know you’re bust but can I ask you for a little help with the getting the blogs I like to read thing on the side of my blog to look like my seven year old set it out?.Ta

  39. sorry that wasn’t very clear..its just that my seven year old would do a better job than I have and I just can’t get it sorted..

  40. Did you get a siesta from work at least? Maybe it was all of the stress about work-worries coming out of you?

  41. I have some terrific bumps on my head at the moment. Recently one burst and yellow pus and blood exploded out of it. It was very exciting. I’ve really missed squeezing spots – haven’t really had any since I was a teen.

    Like you, I went to the doc and he said it was just blocked hair ducts and acted like I was wasting his time. So now I am looking forward to seeing the rest of the pus lumps explode. I am lucky that my horror show was hidden by my hair. you do not seem to be so lucky. poor kav!

  42. I get them, on my head, mostly in between the “11” at the back of the scalp, sometimes small, once as vicious as that one, ew! Also, cysts, I think it must run in my family though, we all get the cysts. I had an absess a while ago and I burst it myself with a sterilised needle (it was late and I am too impatient to go to the doctor the next day) once the pus started coming out I vomited, won’t be so impatient next time! 🙂

  43. Bah. I bet I could have got more than 14 cloths worth of pus out of my goiter. If it had grown that is – it only lasted 20 minutes. But if it had grown I bet it would have blown your little pimplette right off your face – yes, all the way from California it would have. I have terrific pus, the pus of a superhero – it’s my secret super-power.

  44. Princess! That is the most disgusting thing I have read all day.

  45. Pus-eeee

  46. I once worked in a Vet clinic. I dare you to try to gross me out.

  47. OK, so far 47 comments on a pus filled post. it’s time to start opening up to advertisers.
    1. Clearasil
    2. Kebabs
    3. DIY repair
    4. Save the Children
    5.Masturbators Anonymous
    Please continue

  48. How’s your sebaceaous border?

  49. Jeez. The really dire thing in all this horror is that the tale of your pus-filled face is one of the highlights of my day.

  50. That was nasty! And I’m gonna have nightmares about whyioughta’s comment, I just know it.

  51. You would not believe the skanky shit that came out of it this morning. I’ve been taking antibiotics to get rid of it, so the doctor warned me there’d be some “seepage” due to the young lads in me fighting off the infection…
    This morning, I went for a swim before work, and after my shower, I went to the mirror to check the state of the lump. I touched it gently…and oodles of white shit squirted out of the slits left by the doc’s scalpel blade. When I say squirted, I’m being literal – some of it actually ejaculated onto my chest from the gaping wound on my cheek. There was tons of it – enough to fill your toothbrush twice over, if you were to brush your teeth with it. Speaking of toothbrushes and the like, it leaked out the way toothpaste leaks out from a hole in the tube when you squeeze it – tiny wiry squirts forming together to make a big lump, with the consistency and texture of warm candlewax. It was fucking brilliant. I was late for work because I spent so long standing there, naked but for a towel, squeezing this white crap out of the holes in my face. Alas, no pictures. I really need to get me a cameraphone.
    I hope there’s more tomorrow. This is the best infection I’ve ever had.

  52. Oh, and no stitches required, though there will probably be a small scar or two, which is another reason this infection is the best one ever.

    Also, there was no smell off it, and no, I didn’t get any time off work for it.

  53. Oh, also, welcome to the new visitors. I used to be really good about chatting to everyone but sadly those days are gone.

  54. I’m going to eat something. From a tube.

  55. I remember being upset at school that i never got one of those interesting ailments such as diabetes or an allergy or something that got me out of class every so often. Jammy bastards got to go to the nurse all the time.

    Relieved now all the same…..

  56. Best infection ever! An ailment to live for (as they don’t say).

    All hail Kav, King of the Zits.

  57. Kav, I know how you feel, I had one on my jaw a few years back due to a bad tooth. I looked like Desperate Dan form the comic, on one side. I was in James for five days due to the chance of it getting into my Blood and poisoning me.

    I remember the seeping it went on for days, I also did not get stitches they left the hole in my jaw open saying that it would closes itself after the infection was gone.

    The only additional problem was that when leaving the hospital they forgot to give me a prescription for additional Antibiotics and so the whole did not close as fast. A week later for the check up the Doctor went mad as the risk of re-infection with an abscess is very high.

    I was left with a round scar just under my jaw line, I tell people in Lebanon its where I was shot or Stabbed most believe me . Cool.

  58. Ah here, do we have to be greeted with this pus morning after morning after morning? Have ya nothing to tell us about poo?

  59. You should get a sperm count done on this stuff. You know you want to.

  60. just be glad it was on THAT cheek..i’ll say no more, sugar 😉

  61. please please please let me squeeze it for you!

  62. That’s awesome MacD. Mine had no apparent cause – doc said it might have been an ingrowing hair or something.

    Ellie, no way I enjoy squeezing to way too much to share.

    Eolaí, I’ll have a think. It’s been a while since I did a poo post.

  63. A buddy of mine had similar after getting jabs for a holiday in thailand went wrong.. Had to go back to get it lanced in the docs surgery and it was like a geyser! Sprayed all over the doctor’s framed medical certs on the wall!


  64. “Eolaí, I’ll have a think. It’s been a while since I did a poo post.”………

    Poo School
    June 13, 2007 at 12:08 am

    To be exact!

  65. Nice one MacDara. I’d say James was delighted…..probably walks a bit funny ever since??

  66. The response level to local and national disasters is awesome but it’s a damn shame that so many people take advantage of the negative situations.

    I mean everytime there is an earthquake, a flood, an oil spill – there’s always a group of heartless people who rip off tax payers.

    This is in response to reading that 4 of Oprah Winfreys “angels” got busted ripping off the system. Shame on them!

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