There’s a reason why I don’t talk to people.

June 22, 2007 at 12:40 am | Posted in embarrassing moments | 26 Comments

It’s because I’m not very good at it.

It’s been a while since I made an arse of myself in public. Perhaps the longer you leave it, the worse your blunder is when you inevitably do make a gobshite out of yourself.

On my way home from work, I fell asleep on the train, as happens every single day. The carriages are so damn warm, it’s almost impossible to stay awake.

Today, my friends, I dreamed. I had a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

Oh wait, that wasn’t me, that was Martin Luther King. My dream was far less inspirational, but it comes from the same place that MLK’s speech came from: that bit of skin behind the scrotum.

In the dream, I was playing five-a-side (soccer/football, argue about what it’s called amongst yourselves) with the lads. I relived an absolute peach of a volley I scored a while back, the connection with the cross sublime, that feeling that you get when you know you’ve struck it so sweetly that you don’t even need to look at the ball to know it’s in the back of the net. After I scored I did my customary let’s-just-get-on-with-it non-celebration. Then time skipped, as it does in dreams, and next thing I know I am back in goals and Kerr, who has been cleverly nicknamed The Rocket on account of his hard bastarding shots, is bearing down on goal. Only I stand between him and an equaliser. He lets fly, sends a bullet into the bottom corner, so I dive to save it –

– and snap awake when I bash into the guy sitting next to me. Yes, I dived into him. On the train. My arms were still outstretched trying to save Kerr’s shot, and I may well have let out a traditional dream shout (“Noooooo!”) as I commenced my dive. Judging by the number of people turning to look at me, I think I must have at least squawked a bit.

“Okay mate?” the guy sitting next to me asks.

“Yeah, um, sorry about that” I say sheepishly, “I was just trying to save…”

I trail off, realising what a ridiculous human being I am. I clear my throat. Should probably say something, in all fairness.

“…the whales.”

If you’re going to be thought of as weird, you may as well go the whole fucking hog.

He wouldn’t say anything to me after that, and I was too scared to go back to sleep, so I passed the rest of the journey writing a note to myself to make this story into a blog post.


By the way, I’m a bit late to the party, but I don’t think Damien will mind some more links. Do him a favour and link to this ridiculous bullshit. To add insult to injury, instead of having a bit of cop-on, the tossers went and sent him a letter asking for the post to be taken down. Now the whole world knows that not only are they devious malicious cunts, they are also stupid dinosaur cunts too. Watch out for the internet, Sky Handling Partners. They even have it on computers these days.



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  1. The anatomical term for that bit of skin behind the scrotum is the tizent. From the Latin tiesentus meaning “tisn’t your arse and ’tisn’t your sack”.

  2. I’m laughing. Out loud. It’s embarassing. And I’m the only person in the house.

  3. Perhaps the longer you leave it, the worse your blunder is when you inevitably do make a gobshite out of yourself.

    Yeah, it’s like Tourette’s tics, the more you try to suppress them, the worse they are when they finally come out.

    Hey, it could have been worse. At least you weren’t having a sex dream.

  4. Ah the old dreaming when sleeping beside people you dont know at least you were not drooling your pus over them.

  5. By the way how did you get the borders around your comments , I am in the middle of designing the new blog on wordpress and its a bitch getting used to this after msn.

    I may end up staying with the old one even though I do like my new header.

  6. I fainted once in class, and when I came to I was mewling and hanging onto the teacher’s waist.





    Oh well, there’s another potential blog post ruined. Hey Kav! Favourite Era Vulgaris track?

  7. Blogging rule #4 – the more embarrassing the experience, the better the post.

    Always carry a notebook with you so you can simultaneously write it down and hide your red face behind it.

  8. But did you save it?? This is all very Soprano-esque .
    When pregnant I snorted myself awake every morning on a NJTransit bus….. Nice….and I was a whale…

  9. If you were really bad the guy would have gotten up and moved to another seat so no worries. I’ve never been able to fall asleep in public. But one particularly embarrassing moment was when I THOUGHT the door to the rest room was locked in the pub.
    It wasn’t.
    A guy opened the door and another 30-40 men watched me pee until I screamed at him to shut the fucking door.

  10. Now i have to go home and change my knickers….STOP MAKING ME LAUGH AT WORK GOD DAMMIT!

  11. Good luck with saving the whales Kav … just take it one whale at a time.

  12. Oh God, Medbh! The horror. That must have been alon walk out of there. Bet you someone offered to buy you a drink though!

  13. Could’ve been worse. Could’ve been a gay wet dream. Then Mr. “Okay mate?” may not have been so understanding. Not that you’d have gay wet dreams.

    Interesting re: Damien. As an aside, I read all through the related post where he talks about getting help from the Irish airline, but I couldn’t find a cunning Lingus joke anywhere…Frankly, I’m disappointed.

  14. I used to take extra curricular French classes when I was in primary school. While in my normal everyday non French class I dozed off. I think it was when I was sixth class the teacher noticed and called out my name. I shot up bolt upright and shouted, “Oui madame!”. I was slagged mercilessly about it for days.

  15. Oh god I needed that laugh Kav – thanks.

    The whales — priceless !

  16. “If you’re going to be thought of as weird, you may as well go the whole fucking hog”

    That explains alot. About me.

  17. I made a real tit of myself at the staff do on Monday night. Apparently I was touching the bum of the ugly girl. Now I cant say if it did or didnt happen And that is the problem. I just dont know. So Iam back in my shell again. And here i shall remain…

    I take train/dream football any time…

  18. Primal Sneeze – it’s also the barse, the bit between balls and arse.

    Kav – could have been a lot worse, you could have had a bloke either side and dreamt about skiing.

  19. Oh Christ, that’s funny. It might have been better if you had drooled.

    Way to save the whales.

  20. I went on a long bus journey in 1987 with my school mates and fell asleep only to half wake up and repeat to them the same phrase I had been parroting for the previous three weeks in almost every waking hour: “bob-a-job, can I help you with your messages?”

  21. Have you ever played Travel Buckaroo?

    The rules are simple… You sit behind somebody on a bus, and tear little strips of paper, sweet wrapper, whatever you can find and place them on the head of the person in front of you. You keep doing this until everything falls off his/her head and you exclaim “Buckaroo!”. Loudly.

    Well, one day, on a trip to a university open day, my friends and I decided to do this to the guy in front of us. A guy we knew of course. For fifteen minutes we layered shite on his head, until he turned around to us asking us why we were laughing so much. The stuff fell off and we all roared Buckaroo! Great fun.

    However, 25 minutes or so later and everybody was still laughing, and I was not sure why. I didn’t let on though, as teenage lads rarely do. The sniggering got worse until so curious I could take no more. I turned around to ask the lads behind me… Everybody behind me on the bus exploded laughing… My head was covered in rubbish, the most impressive articles being an entire Mars bars wrapper and a Merlin football sticker.

    The lads had been doing it to me before we even started on the other lad. And had continued after… None of it fell out because I had so much gel in my hair in an effort to impress a girl I knew was going to the open day… She wasn’t impressed.

    Brylcreem sales took a major hit that day. As did my fragile ego… Fucking funny though.

  22. You’re like one of those dogs that lays sleeping on his side and dreams he’s chasing rabbits so he pumps his legs furiously. They’re funny.

  23. I once witnessed a bloke on a camping trip jolting awake from a brief snooze by the fire. His waking words were:

    ‘No mammy! Not the rubber gloves again!’ He’ll never live it down.

  24. Some class ones there lads and lassies. K8 that’s just downright disturbing.

    Welcome along 73man – you’re bringing back weird memories of feeling like a spa in my scout uniform calling around to the neighbours.

    Barse, heh.

  25. Email me if you’re interested and I’ll send you pics of my hand-built recently-completed kitchen. you never know, it might suggest a few ideas.

  26. Hello, it really interesting, thanks

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