Arise, behemoth. You must be starving. Have a sandwich.

July 30, 2007 at 1:27 am | Posted in family, hot women who want my lad, magic and a spoon, public speaking, the horror of it all | 41 Comments

I had this great idea for a present-tense description of the past few weeks, taking you with me through the highs and lows, but I am absolutely exhausted – again – and have neither the time nor the energy to be creative or funny. Not that I ever am, etc, yeah, the door’s that way, don’t let it hit yer arse on the way out, and all that.

So here’s what happened:

Several unmitigated DIY disasters, including putting in waste pipe, re-laying floor, stink comes from waste pipe, pull up floor to find problem, discover problem lies elsewhere and is completely unrelated to the work I’d been doing, re-lay floor AGAIN – two weeks wasted.

Ancient stop cock = burst water main and no way to turn it off. Had to hammer the pipe in half to stop the mains-pressure cascade through the house. No access from the road to turn it off, had to buy a pipe freezing kit to help replace the stopcock. Pipe freezing kit promised 45 minutes of hold, lasted ten. Result: More high-pressure hilarity, and I no longer have a mobile phone. Here’s a learning I made: unlike the many hundreds of women I have slept with, mobile phones don’t like to get wet. Now I have to buy a new one.

Several disasters, none of which I claim responsibility for. I used to enjoy doing this stuff, you know. Knowing how my house is put together, there’s a comfort in it. This shit from the last few weeks though, it’s put me off for life.

It was Jack’s first birthday, that’s why I was under pressure to get the job done. Each evening I’d get home from work then do kitchen stuff until after midnight. Up again at seven and repeat the process. Zombification.

In the end it didn’t matter. We had no sink on the day of the party, and we survived. Water’s overrated anyway. You become very frugal when you don’t have running water. There was a day or two of whore’s bathing going on in our house – we went through some amount of Johnson’s baby wipes.

One year old, the handsome pup. Good thing he takes after his mother.

Jack’s birthday meant family visiting, which butted up against Linzi’s friends from Ireland visiting, and today her sister arrived up, because she’s looking after the kids for us when we go back to Ireland on Thursday for this wedding. You can see now why the blogging side of things has been a bit slack lately.

After we get back from Ireland, we have another wedding, followed by a christening, before the end of August. You’d swear we had a social life, the way we’ve been carrying on lately. I can’t wait for it all to be over. All this shite is only about half of it, but I’ll only want to hang myself if I go over everything. The main thing is, Linzi and I are still friends in spite of all the muck that we’ve churned up over the last month. Better still, we’re friends who have sex with each other, which is good news for me, and even better news for her.

I’ve been swimming too. I’m up to 30 lengths now. Not bad considering that a month ago it took me half an hour to swim six lengths and I was the closest to death I’ve been since ‘Nam. (Not that ‘Nam. I’m talking about Cornamona, that time with my dad and the fishing rod and the grease. It’s a long story, but you’ve probably already read about it in the papers.) I’m still shit though. If you can imagine tying Stephen Hawking to Christy Brown‘s left leg with a stout length of rope, then firing them both into a pool and saying off with ye lads, a pint if ye can make it to the other side, that’s the kind of flailing you get from me most days.

This wedding next Saturday: did I mention that I’m best man? Well listen: I’m best man at this wedding next Saturday. 300 guests or something mental like that. I’ve never done anything on this scale before, so I’m kind of shitting it. No – I’m fucking petrified. I haven’t even started on the speech (see above, no explanation required), and it’s only now that you’ve read this far that you realise I had an ulterior motive for updating the blog: I need help.

Give me your humour, people. I need to be hilarious without being offensive, risqué without being crude. I sometimes struggle with subtlety, as you’ll know just by reading this. You cunt.

Seriously, any wise words, good lines, or advice of any sort as I hurriedly prepare this speech would be an absolute godsend.


In other news, thank you all for your “what the fuck are you up to?” emails, and I apologise for not replying individually, but…you know. All that stuff. Some of you got Facebook stuff from me too – no, I haven’t abandoned blogging in favour of it, I just had a fit of adding shit to it, like I did with Bebo a few months back. I’ve been on Facebook since Christ was a cub scout, but I never did anything with my profile. Over the last couple of months, a few people asked me to be their friends, so I had a fit of activity the other night and put a bit on my profile. Nowt sinister, like. Sin é. It’s always there if I need it, but I won’t be making much more use of it at the moment, I don’t think.



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  1. By Jesu.That’s some tale there.Thank fuck you’re all still alive.We had visions of you all being lifted at midnight into some surreal Scottish Witness protection programme.

    I’ll pick the brain for Best *ahem*Man stuff although I’m shit at it.The “Man” part that is..I’m grand with the other.

    Welcome Home Biy and Happy Birthday Big Jack.

  2. Afraid I’m no help, lad. Maybe end the speech (like you planned for the leaving one) by taking questions from the floor.

  3. Saw a good one on the TV the other day. The bride and groom had just moved in together before the wedding. So the best man gave a load of lads in the audience keys before the speech. Then during the speech he said “they’ve moved in together but I know a few lads who had keys to the brides apartment and could they return them”. Then all the boys stand up and bring the keys up to the front table. The “piece of resistance” was, the grooms father also had a key! Bit risky but I was splitting myself laughing.

  4. Welcome back! Love the picture – congrats on the big birthday – what a cutie!

    Speech… hmmm… don’t drink until after it’s over. , good advice. Was at a wedding a few months ago and he had the groom place his hand over the brides and said to the room that they needed to observe as this was the last time he would have the upper hand in the relationship. Not the greatest, but tasteful and got a roar of laughter.

    Best of luck Kav… or should I say Frank?! hehe… I guess I never figured you for a Frank! 😉

  5. “If you can imagine tying Stephen Hawking to Christy Brown’s left leg with a stout length of rope, then firing them both into a pool and saying off with ye lads”…cried laughing.
    Thats a beautiful piccy..I think he’s what they mean when the say ‘Bonny’.
    Re best man speech…stick to what you know (about him) if he’s your friend he’s bound to have a trillion funny incidents for you to weave into some sort of a speech.Have a pint and relax and have a brilliant little break with Linzi.

  6. Facebook is shit. Shit like your floor! Hahaha!

    Being the best man isn’t so difficult either. Think of it this way; no one goes to a wedding to hear a best man’s speech. It’s not even in the top ten of things you look forward to at a wedding. You could stand up for ten minutes talking about your DIY efforts for all the attention they’d pay to you. It’s the groom’s speech they’re waiting to pick apart, fella. You’re well off the hook.

  7. “If you can imagine tying Stephen Hawking to Christy Brown’s left leg with a stout length of rope, then firing them both into a pool and saying off with ye lads, a pint if ye can make it to the other side…”

    HAHAHAHAHAHA I’m going to the gym today for the first time in a year and a half, that helps me a lot…

  8. Kav, you might want to have a wee brush around with the Photoshop. There’s a bitty on the door that is making you appear like you have a great big Billy-Bob tooth sticking out the front. Unless, of course, that is your own Billy-Bob tooth, in which case I’m sorry for your troubles.

    Happy Birthday to Jack.

  9. Ah, welcome to Diyworld, where the root of the problem is never actually the root of the problem.
    Have fun at the weddin’, do your MC Kav routine and make sure the bridesmaids are, you know, ‘looked after’.

    Oh, and did that stag trip happen?

  10. Sorry I must disagree with Sweary, The best mans speach is the most important speach, All the others are dressing and about tears yhe best mans is where the humour is required. If you dont make them laugh it could ruin the wedding.

    If hes your best friend then start by making fun of your self and saying that the only reson he asked me is that I’m not very good at anything and he wants you to be the but off all the jokes not him. Then tell them about how you met and why he has no other best men only the failed plumber .

    By the way how did you manage such a great looking son ? Great picture.

  11. I suggest brevity.

  12. To start with:

    I know, I know…I’m so original. Google is the only way I know how to help. I’ve never been a best man, nor am I likely to be. But, good luck to you!

  13. I just saw that…it does look like you have a tooth coming out of your lip. Your upper lip. Hmm…I don’t recall seeing that there before.

  14. My best man started by telling a few racist jokes ,explained that the people waiting on wouldn’t understand anyway as they can’t speak English. I alughed so much I nearly shat.

    It got worse from there on in.

  15. Regarding inspiration for your wedding speech, I heard this joke from an Irish lad the other day but fear it will not go down too well in this day and age, since I hear there are even some of them there dirty feminists in Ireland these days 😉

    An Irish woman went to see a psychiatrist because she was concerned about her looks.

    “Doctor,” she said, “I’m so depressed because I feel so ugly. I can’t get a man because my self-esteem is so low. I just think that nobody finds me attractive.

    Can you help me feel better about myself?”

    “I’m sure I can,” said the psychiatrist. “Just go over and lie face down on that couch.”


    This is why all wedding speeches sound the same lately

  17. I once went to a wedding where the best man’s speech was basically all about me, as I had apparently been the other candidate for best man. What he didn’t know was that NO-ONE at the wedding except the bride and groom knew who I was.
    Ah well.
    I’m not good at not being crude, I’m afraid. Love the sound of the keys gag though, that could be great – especially if there’s someone very old in the crowd, who takes 10 minutes to hand his key in.
    Try and avoid mentioning fisting, too.

  18. I just got exhausted reading all you’ve been up to. Dear me. I’ve never been a best man before, so I have no advice. Good luck, though.

    Your children are gorgeous. Look at that boy. Absolutely adorable.

  19. good to hear from you again. Good luck with the speech.

  20. He’s baaaaaaack! Praise the Lawd! Great to hear from you. Good luck with the speech, as I’ve never been a Best Man, I gots no pointers for you 😦 But you’ll be grand I’m sure!

  21. Good to have you back.

    Looks like you’ve gotten a big long in the tooth.

    *thanks Heaven for Canadian dental care*

  22. BIT long in the tooth, that should be.

    Can you get a “preview comment” button?

  23. Well…you could get drunk and collide with a light fixture on your way up to the microphone. It went over well when I did it at my sis’ wedding. Very Chevy Chase. I fucking hate Chevy Chase. But I was drunk…nothing to be done about it.

  24. Just talk about your lad for 20 mins. Use slides, diagrams, graphs , anecdotal evidence from ALL your ex-lovers, maybe a live video-link to your family doctor attesting to the size and power of said mighty appendage.

    They’ll love it.

  25. I’ll second Gimme’s advice: brevity is the key. No one likes a long speech at a party. You’ll do well, Kav.
    Jack is a darling boy. Happy Birthday to him.

  26. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention about the stag weekend, twas mad. Newcastle, I highly recommend it. I held my drink, which pleased me greatly.

    By the way, I have my speech written, and I was going to post it up here, but I might wait until after the wedding’s over. It seems rude to share it with everyone else before the people going to the thing get to hear it.

  27. And so what if I have a tooth that comes out at a 45 degree angle to the rest of my teeth? I’d make a good Cletus.

  28. By the way, I had my first unsubscriber from Bloglines today. I know who you are, and I’m going to send you a sock filled with poo.

  29. Unsubscribers should be hunted down and persecuted. No, hold on, that’s unbelievers.

  30. Weemen are like gardens, they need a good dig now and again.

    That should go doon well, so yer swimming about in yer own home thats very creative, do not fuck with water pressure oops too late now.

  31. Lovely post and thanks for your email. Doesn’t swimming rock?

  32. Oh, that’s about right; I go away for a bit and you show back up. Good to know that things are going swimmingly for you, though, hahaha. And here I thought you avoided all that local flooding that’s been going on in the UK. I can’t believe Jack’s 1 already. Have I been reading you for that long? Jesus, I need to get a life.

  33. Awww… happy birthday little Jack! 🙂 Good to see you again… sad your diy escapades are turning sour, but they are so fun to read! 🙂 best wishes for the wedding day – we know you’ll come up with something stellar and witty – and of course, we expect to see it in full on here afterwards…


  34. The plumbing nightmare sounds like a … nightmare. Happy birthday to Jack! Sorry about your weird tooth, man.

  35. Kav, before you poo your Bloglines unsubscriber (it wasn’t me, people), bear in mind they might simply have switched to reading your feed via Google Reader or some other alternative. The general trend is ebbing away from Bloglines.

    Technically speaking I once gave a best man’s speech – it wasn’t the wedding and being naive I was expecting to be asked to say anything. I didn’t say much and when I sat down I was warmly congratulated with the words, “Well done Eolai. You were brutal”

  36. It’s probably way too late by the time you get this but best mans speech keep it to 7 mins max you’ll over run ….practice 3 times in front of a mirror…..or even better run it by an audience a few times before you start…..remember your audience is generally from 4 year olds to Grannies so you have to keep it general. I was best man last year my original speech was 20 mins I cut it to 9 and still lasted 12

  37. What a gorgeous image!!

  38. Just keep it short – just like the women, leave them wanting more !

  39. Well?? how did the speech go?…did you play a blinder?

  40. Oh Kav, I miss-eth you so. On the other hand I”m super hella mega glad all is going well with you. Go see Transformers when you get a chance, it’s hilarious.
    FMC x

  41. I miss this bit, not being able to respond to you all. Thank you all for continuing to comment in spite of me.

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