A visual treat

September 26, 2007 at 10:15 pm | Posted in cameraphone, photoblogging | 48 Comments

Though I’ve dropped my posting routine from daily to just-about-monthly, all is not lost. Why, Kav? I hear you, my sole remaining reader, ask. Because I got a new phone! I reply, tossing you a blanket to keep you warm in here. It’s gotten cold here, I know. It makes me sad.

It takes pictures, this phone. They have a special name for it. They call it a camera-phone. It plays music too. I like to carry mine on my shoulder, the way the cool kids in the 80’s used to carry their boomboxes. Boppin and a rollin. You can see it, me walking to work in my suit with my little 3G boombox tinnying out Queens of the Stone Age, can’t you?

That last phone I had, with the orange screen, was out of date even when I first bought it for £20 back in ‘ought-two. It lasted well though. It finally died when a mains water pipe suddenly burst all over me while I was standing in front of it, soaking me and Mr Phone (we were never close, never got to a first-name basis) right to the core of our tiny CPUs. Did I mention the pipe burst because I’d been hitting it with a hammer? Ah, thought not.

Yes, the good news: I now document my life with pictures, since the words have all but dried up. This is not a choice I made willingly, but invention is the daughter of necessity, or something.

Linzi and I are going for dinner this Friday night. It was her birthday on Tuesday. Go and read what I did last year for her thirtieth. You will be jealous and want me for your own. Even you, Sneezy, you damn dirty ape.

Where was I? Oh yeah, pictures.

My work has me travelling a fair bit these days – some of you might remember me saying that I wouldn’t take this job if it meant a lot of travelling and blah blah slip slap slope here we are today – and here I am in Birmingham a couple of weeks ago:

barge in birmingham somewhere

Middle of nowhere, but nice scenic walks. Nothing else to do, in other words.

Remember a couple of months ago, those shit terrorists tried to blow up Glasgow Airport, and all that stopped them getting right into the terminal were some bollards at the doors? It was great to see their improved security measures in effect last week as I exited the building:

no bollards, are you mad?

I may be wrong, but it does seem like next time around, it will be a tad easier to DRIVE A FUCKING BUS through that doorway*.

This is the sunrise on my way to work:


This is Erin and Jack:

erin and jack

I really like that picture, even though they aren’t smiling or anything. It looks to me like one of those “this-is-posing-but-let’s-try-to-act-like-we’re-not-posing” photos that you see on the sleeve of an album cover by some alternative musician. In fact, I’m sure I’ve got an album somewhere with two guys in the sleeve doing just such a pose – ten points for the first person to remind me who my children are unwittingly mimicking.

This is some Skum – sweets made from polystyrene that a colleague brought back from Gothenburg the other day:

die, skum, die

Not into Skum? How about a bit of Plopp?

plopp - not as poo-like as you'd imagine

Even though Plopp looked and sounded like poo, it didn’t taste like poo at all. Not nutty enough.

Here is a pube I found in the urinals at work:

pube in urinal at eye level

I have a greater motive than causing you to throw up a little bit of sick into your mouth after viewing that picture. My motive is to demonstrate how bizarre the world really is, for, you see, that pube was up on the wall at a height of approximately six feet – the red arrow shows you where I spotted it while I relieved myself:

look how high up the pube was...jesus

Can you imagine how tall the guy who dropped that crotchwire must have been? Fucking twilight zone stuff, I’m telling you.

And this last, holy shit, this last one, I took not five minutes ago while I was writing this drivel:

biggest motherfucking spider I have ever seen

That, my friends, is the biggest, scariest motherfucking spider I have ever seen outside of films and Australia. This is Scotland, for feck’s sake! Can you see the ruler I held up to him? Four centimetres wide, the little fucker was. You should’ve heard the crunch his body made when I mashed him against the wall with some balled-up tissue. It’s the same crunch you’re going to hear over and over as you chew your cereal tomorrow morning.

Go on, try to keep that memory out of your head.

Linzi’s going to kill me too. The paste that comprises the remains of the spider’s internal organs has left a mark on the wall.

Hope you enjoyed my monthly round-up. Much has happened that I haven’t mentioned, but these days, if I can’t capture incidents in visual format, they pass undocumented. Later chaps and chapettes.


*okay, in the interest of objectivity (I am, after all, a reporter, giving the minutiae of my life to you LIVE, TWENTY FOUR HOURS A DAY) I must concede that the road outside is actually blocked off to all traffic, but still…when not just stick a bollard or two there, for peace of mind?



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  1. Congrats on your new phone!

    Yuck on the spider and the pic of the kids is adorable! You know you can blog from your phone as well? You just send the photo to your blog (with a caption) and it should post it. Or you can Flickr post it.

    Anyway, I hope you back. It’s lonely in the Internet without your smartass.

  2. Good to see you posting, once a month, eh , ye measly prick ye. My guess is that it’s not a pube. I’d say one of your co-workers was drilling some young wan in there, right up between the urinals, and she was pounding her head against the wall in ecstacy with the ridin’ and smell of piss and all.

  3. PS: Keep an eye out for female colleagues with pubey looking hair.

  4. Wow! Class pube. And a happy pube at that – no way in hell that pube’s going to get pissed off.

    Anyway. So you’re back then? Funny that Sam returns the same week. Now if Sweary turns up today or tomorrow then I’m putting on my conspiracy cap (I lost the hat in a fight over the moon landings) and expose you all.

  5. Maybe the pube was from the spider – it was certainly big enough

  6. Great to see the standards haven’t slipped. back after a month and already over 80% of replies mention pubes!

  7. It wasn’t a pube! Did you happen to count the spider’s legs? Huh? Didya?

    Ha! Made ya look.

    You have some seriously lovely childer btw.

  8. ‘crotchwire’….heh heh.

    Delighted to see you’re posting!…could have done without the piccy of the spider though…I’m scared witless of the smallest spider.
    Oh my God kave those babies get cuter and cuter.

  9. Not sure how you’ll feel about this but your kids are mimicking Tears for Fears


  10. You were in Birmingham? That’s just down the road (and over a massive hill, and through some woods, and down a winding country road) from here! Well, it’s an hour away, which isn’t far in Shropshire.

  11. Spiderpubes!!! You freak Conortje.

    Good posting Kav, that’s a lovely picture of Erin and Jack. Almost like they were sooo not bothered by what you were doing.

  12. Things are bad, even you are posting more often than I am at the moment. At least you haven’t lost your touch.

  13. I’m with Sneezey, you and Sam re-entering the ‘sphere at the same time is just too coincidental. Did yiz get a room? Did yiz leave Sweary in there? Well, did yiz?

    I know you revamped your house but putting those urinals in was taking DIY a bit far.

  14. Jeez. Had to go and get Hubby so he could go ‘holy shit!’ at the spider. And the pube – he liked that. Oh and thanks, I’m never going to be able to eat Crunchy Nut Clusters again. Welcome back.

  15. Oh and gorgeous children too.

  16. Oh, the curls and chubby cheeks! Gorgeous.
    I’m glad the pube talk was after my breakfast.
    Yay on the new camera phone.

  17. careful. camera phones can be dangerous. sometimes your pictures can pop up to haunt you later. that pube might just cause a divorce. i know these things…i have a camera phone.

  18. Delighted you’re back Kav, yours was always the third blog I read (after Annie and Sweary).
    A little disturbed about the poor spider however, you didn’t really squash it did you?

  19. Oh Kav you delightful cretin you! How I have missed your wit, charm and other-arse-lickery-comment view on life! DELIGHTFUL!

    Sweet fucking GOD that spider is huge. I’ve seen two of them in my bedroom and three in the bath this year. Fucking five of those bastards. FIVE. I hate them in my bedroom – I feel violated.

    That pube is ahm… alarming. I saw the picture and thought it might have been a picture of a crack in the wall you just built (you DIY god you) and almost peed myself when I read twas in fact a pube.


    Good eyes though.
    Not the pube.
    Or the Spider.


  20. Hi Kav. Good post. I think the pube wasn’t a pube at all, but a head hair in dire need of conditioner! Some fella out on the tear the night before, rested his forehead up against the wall as he “went”, and left you that little reminder.
    Will your monthly posts be ruled by the moon?

  21. I want you back for good. Take that.

  22. Thanks for that Kav – seriously missed ya!

  23. Ahhhhhhh.

    I’ve been holding my breath for weeks now.

    Kav is back, and life is good again.

  24. So glad you are back, Kav. I love your sense of humor and wit. It has been sorely missed! By the looks of those spiders in Scotland I sure hope you have a baseball bat handy!

  25. P.S. you have some beautiful kidlets!

  26. Aw, Kav, m’darling, don’t be so hard on yourself! I’m sure your CPU is enormous.

    Angelic kids, but call that a spider? Away with you! I found a bloody black-widow in our post-box the other day! Nobody told me about black widows in California. We have them in the woodpile, all round the garage, everywhere. I go out at night with RAID in my hand and death in my heart to squirt them to kingdom come.

    Lovely to see you back.

  27. Two cutie pies! That shot reminds me of a Hall & Oates album cover.

  28. About time you lazy fucker! Great pics, although I could have done without the pube shot *vomits*.

    As usual your kids are just divine. I want to pinch their cheeks!!

  29. Seems to be a banner year for big spiders. They seem to be everywhere!

    Glad you’re back, Kav.

  30. Bleaugh to the smider, I’m not afraid of smiders I must say, but I do find them repugnant.
    And squeee to the babies. I’m not afraid of babies either.

  31. *wakes up*

    Is that the same ruler you use for measuring yer lad?

  32. gorgeous babies, sugar! glad to read you again!

  33. Flying pubes and spiders. It’s a scary, scary world out there.

  34. Don’t worry lad I post 8 times a day to make up for yer slackness. I hope the gooks at Al Qaeda pay you for yer airport security picture where was Smeato when you were taking it?

  35. No one reads my 8 posts a day BTW………cunts.

  36. Pubes and spiders? If you want me to lose breakfast you’ll have to do better than that. Gahn – do your worst!

    The cheeks on those kids, though. Dee-LIGHT-ful. Almost makes me want one.


  37. Well Kav at leats we know your still around and once a month is probably enough for us to remain sane.

  38. I’ve been gone for almost a month, so glad to see you back. Your kids are gorgeous! Those cheeks!

    As for the spider, if she’s like most women she’d prefer the mark on the wall than that creepy fucker wandering around any day!

  39. Is this gonna Kill You? No i Dont Think so !

  40. Redmum – Yeah Tears for Fears – thought that was it even before I read your post. Mad world, and all that, when Kav’s kids look like TFF. Maybe they’ll change.


  41. Just in case the whole lot of Kav’s blogs readers arent au courant with the oeuvre of Tears for Fears, “Mad World” and “Change” are the only two of their hits that I remember. I wasn’t slagging off the byooful brood of Kav. The sorry was an apology for the bad pun-type references to the TFF hits. Can I over-explain myself anymore?

  42. Is that tumbleweed?

    It fucking is!

  43. hey hey… glad to see SOMETHIN from ya man! Now, I would never have thought to put pics of my kids, a wayward pube, and a monster spider all in the same post – but that’s what makes you a SUPER blogger and me just a drivel-queen… heh.

    adorable babies!

  44. I´m glad you appreciate Swedish sweets. Soon it´s time for Julskum. As we are not allowed to use strong food colours in Sweden it´s pink, not read. My friends´children in Kerry love it.
    Morrissey, by the way, is a big lover of Plopp. That´s one of the reasons he keeps coming back here.

  45. STILL no new Kav-rants, no gorgeous boy or chubby cheek angel pictures; what the fuck? I’ll be back tomorrow and if there’s nothing new, you’re in trouble mister!!


  46. Kav, Kav… you’ve missed your monthly, you’re overdue… go pee on one of them test thingys and tell us what colour it goes. You know you want to!

  47. a baby? omg, how lovely..*snickering* (good one, conan)

  48. Miss you kav –

    C’mon. don’t make us all beg.

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