About Me

I’m Kav, originally from Galway. I moved to Scotland in 2002 because I couldn’t afford Ireland anymore – paying 80% of your wages towards car insurance and rent doesn’t leave you with many options. Having said that, my wife happens to be Scottish, so she may have had something to do with why we moved here.

All the stories in this blog are true, except where they are made up. Most are a bit of both. Any made-up bits are there because the reality was too boring to record, or because I can’t remember what happened. You decide which bits are real.

Names that come up in my blog: Linzi, my wife; Erin, my daughter; Jack, my son. Various others who you’ll probably get a back story on as and when they become relevant.

Here are 101 things nobody needs to know about me:

  1. My parents split up when I was 10. I was 16 before I could bring myself to tell anyone.
  2. When I told someone, it was the greatest relief I had ever experienced.
  3. I’ve never had a blowjob in a moving car, but I would like to think I’ll get one someday.
  4. I am at my happiest in my Dad’s boat, fishing on Lough Corrib at home.
  5. I hope to move home some day, so that my family can experience this.
  6. One of my biggest fears is that I will never get to move home: that lack of money, time, and family circumstances will thwart this dream.
  7. I’ve only cheated on a girlfriend once. It was just a kiss, but it was enough. I felt so gutted, I owned up the next day.
  8. I never know when a woman is flirting with me. Never.
  9. I scored in the top 2% in the country in English the year I finished school.
  10. My favourite student drink was a concoction we called Lushtastic. It’s split between two people, otherwise you’d die. You buy a bottle of Buckfast, a bottle of Blue-label Smirnoff (50% ABV), a can of Coke, and two cans of Red Bull. Mix all that shit, and consume. You won’t need another drink all night.
  11. I earned a B.Sc. degree with honours in microbiology as a result of peer pressure. I just wanted to do the same course that my friends were doing. I haven’t used my degree since I graduated.
  12. This in spite of the fact that I got my 4th year thesis published in The Irish Journal of Medical Science.
  13. My father and I haven’t said “I love you” to one another for almost 20 years.
  14. We both want to say it, every time we are together.
  15. We both know this, and that’s enough.
  16. I’ve blacked out drinking at least 50 times. I’m Irish, after all.
  17. I’ve never been in a proper fistfight.
  18. I love my parents with all my heart, but I try every day to make sure I don’t raise my kids like they raised me.
  19. I didn’t kiss a girl until I was 15.
  20. When I was 14, my friend Johnny and I were down at the old railway line when we met these three girls hanging around. One of the girls asked Johnny if he would shift (snog, kiss) her friend, and he said no. Then she started to ask me, but her friend interrupted and said “Don’t ask him, he’s ugly”. I still think about this sometimes.
  21. My mother confessed to my wife that she was abused by my great-grandfather. She’s still never mentioned it to me, but she must have wanted me to know. I can’t think of a good time to bring it up.
  22. I wonder how she could have let her children sit on his knee and give him hugs and kisses.
  23. My first time drinking beer was with my best friend Paul, and it was Budweiser. We drank it while watching porn in his living room, and ended up having to dilute it with orange juice because we couldn’t stomach the taste. We didn’t even drink enough to get drunk.
  24. I got fired from my first job for dressing up as an alien (using black binliners and a mop-head for hair). I was 16. It’s the only job I’ve ever been fired from.
  25. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 18. I came very quickly.
  26. When I was 7 or 8, I stood behind the back door with a steak knife while my mother was out in the garden hanging clothes. I waited for her to come in, and then begged her to kill me. She didn’t. Now I’m glad.
  27. I love spicy food, especially Chinese curry.
  28. I once masturbated in maths class, and didn’t get caught.
  29. I never feel like I’m good at anything, but I try not to show it, because a lack of confidence is unattractive.
  30. I can last for ages during sex. Sometimes this is good, but it means quickies are usually out of the question.
  31. I am one of those people who thinks of a smart comeback the next day.
  32. My earliest memory is of my hand bleeding in the rain, or of being sick with measles and being cuddled by my mother; I don’t know which came first.
  33. As a child, I was once locked outside the front door, wearing only my dorky y-fronts, for doing something bad. A girl I had a crush on walked past while I cried. Her seeing me like that was the most degrading part.
  34. I once watched a man kill himself. He jumped off a bridge in front of Paul and I, and we ran down the bank and tried to toss him a life-ring. He cried for help until he was sucked under. My last memory of him is seeing his supine body, arms outstretched, being dragged feet-first beneath the surface, out towards the sea. Later, we had to meet his parents, and they thanked us for trying to save him. I wanted to tell them that he asked for help – that he intentionally threw himself into the water and then begged for his life – but I didn’t think it would be appropriate.
  35. My friends and I can pick up where we left off at any time. If it was last week, or five years ago, we still get on just as well. I feel incredibly lucky to have them.
  36. When I was about 13, one of my scout leaders told everyone I was an example to the rest of the troop because I just got stuck in and worked without complaining. I’ll never forget his kindness.
  37. My favourite sexual position is doggystyle, followed by woman on top.
  38. I once accidentally walked down the street with an erection sticking out of my trousers. I was about 15. Nobody saw.
  39. When I was a young teenager, my friend Johnny suddenly decided he didn’t want to be friends with me. He told our friend Sean that I had been saying stuff about him, and he and Sean cornered me one day and tried to get me to fight them. I wouldn’t. I still don’t know why they did this, but they made my life misery for a few months.
  40. After this, they decided they wanted to be friends again. So we were. I still don’t know what it was all about.
  41. A few months ago, I found out that the brother of a guy who used to bully me (and still bullies dozens of other kids) was burned alive after his buddies torched the stolen car he was travelling in (not realising he was still in it). I wished it was him that it happened to, not his brother. I know this seems to contradict number 90, but this guy is one of the most useless, pathetic, horrible human beings ever to walk the earth. He has absolutely no redeeming features. At least his brother only picked on people his own size.
  42. As kids, we used to egg houses at Halloween. My best one was on a third storey townhouse. A guy came to his window to see what the commotion was outside, and I flung an egg up 30 feet. It splattered right in the centre of his window as he shook his fist at us pesky kids.
  43. When we were children and used to fight, I would thump the shite out of my sisters. One day, after he had hit her, my friend’s sister told him he was going to be a wife-beater. I haven’t hit anyone, male or female, since.
  44. My friends think I am very funny, but only a few of them “get” my humour. These are the guys I am closest to.
  45. I have been in love twice. The first girl, we were destined to fail, but I am always grateful to her for helping me become who I am.
  46. I have only had one one-night stand, and I didn’t like it.
  47. I am much more content in a relationship than when I’m single. I’m just one of those people – if I’m single, I’m lonely, I’m searching.
  48. At any given point in my life, I have thought I was mature enough, level-headed enough, knew all I needed to know about things. Yet when I look back, I realise how naive I was. I’m learning how to be a better man every day.
  49. I was once arrested for driving a child’s tractor down a main street in Galway. At 3.30am. Drunk out of my mind. I had to return the tractor to the child, but the police didn’t press charges.
  50. Before I met Linzi, I wasn’t sure if soulmates were real
  51. My son and daughter are the only things in my life that I look on and feel untainted pride for.
  52. I don’t think that I am a courageous man, but I would lay down my life for my children.
  53. I have over 700 CDs and several hundred books. I sometimes think that I am too materialistic and debate selling them all on eBay.
  54. I was the first person in my family to get a degree.
  55. Since a young age, I was fascinated with my Grandad’s work. He built (wooden) boats. He and my Dad ran the business, but went bust in the mid-eighties on account of the increasing popularity (and cheapness) of fibreglass boats. I always wanted to follow in his footsteps and work with my hands, but I was intelligent, so was pressurised into academia by my family’s good intentions.
  56. I wonder daily if I would be happier if I had listened to myself back then. What keeps me sane is knowing that I would not have met Linzi if I didn’t go to university.
  57. The greatest time of my life was June 5 1999 to 10 September 1999. Sometimes when I think of that summer I get filled with a melancholy so intense I almost feel sick. In a good way. Everything I am now is because of that summer.
  58. I’m not religious, but I thank God for my family whenever I remember to do so, and wish I could see them more often.
  59. Before I met Linzi, I thought I had good sex.
  60. After I met Linzi, we thought we had invented sex.
  61. I have only ever been on one “week in the sun” holiday, to Tunisia in September 2001. I was there on the 11th.
  62. My salary has increased 263% since I started my first proper job after university.
  63. I still don’t earn enough to provide everything a normal family has, like a holiday in the summer, and decent clothes for us all.
  64. Excluding my mortgage, I am in about £30,000 of debt.
  65. I accept that I can only progress to a certain point in my career, because I will never put work before my family.
  66. In case you hadn’t already realised, money is the biggest stress factor in my life.
  67. Countries I have been to: Ireland (duh), USA, England, Scotland, Wales, Czech Republic, Tunisia, Holland.
  68. Linzi and I plan to travel the world once our children are grown up.
  69. In a fit of rage, I once killed a man over an argument about chess. To this day, nobody knows it was me. His death was ruled as accidental.
  70. I plan on retiring at 55.
  71. I did not have a ring when I proposed. In fact, an hour before I proposed, I did not know I was going to do it.
  72. I hate using the term “fiancé(e)”. For some reason I just think it sounds pretentious.
  73. My most outstanding sex memory involves her dancing.
  74. I am wholly unapologetic about my love for video games and weird movies.
  75. I have an unusual temperament, in that I shout “fucking bastard!” if I drop a fork, but I remain calm and level-headed when big things (that ought to make me angry) happen.
  76. I have been deceived by my best friend, but I am proud and happy to say he’s still my closest friend. He did what he did because of love, and love fucks your head up.
  77. The longest I have gone without masturbating is 12 days.
  78. As a teenager, before I learned my limits, I used to completely lose control of my emotions when I got really drunk. I was full of self-loathing for various reasons, and drink brought out the worst in that.
  79. I have never broken a bone (that I am aware of), but I came back from my stag weekend in Prague with an ankle swollen to twice it’s normal size, and the x-rays showed a possible hairline fracture. However, because I was getting married 5 weeks after this, I chose not to get a cast. My life would not have been worth living if I was in plaster on my wedding day because of stag weekend hijinx.
  80. I cried uncontrollably at the birth of both my children. Those days are without question the proudest, happiest days of my life.
  81. I was born at 5.30pm on a Saturday.
  82. One of the most touching things I have ever seen is when my Grandad was in hospital for surgery (he had colonic cancer). When Linzi and I came to visit, my Granny was sitting on a chair next to his bed, holding his hand. The tenderness between them brought tears to my eyes, and still does when I think of it. As soon as they knew we were there, their hands parted, a sea of love between them. I aspire to have that with Linzi in my old age.
  83. I used to work on Nascars when I was in Wildwood, New Jersey. We got voted “Most likely to fall asleep at their ride” at the end of the summer.
  84. I prefer curvy women to skinny. Give me tits and ass any day.
  85. All my close friends are back in Ireland, and I’ve never made the effort to make proper friends here in Scotland. Although I don’t regret this, sometimes I really miss the closeness, the ease, of things with my mates, and long for something equivalent over here.
  86. Some of my happiest memories of my childhood involve me and my sisters doing stupid stuff, such as looking at each others arses while we farted, to see if farts had any substance.
  87. My friend Johnny and I used to jump off the roof of the bungalow next door to my Granny. The house belonged to these sweet old nuns, and we always denied doing it, even though our footprints were clearly embedded in the grass.
  88. One particularly memorable time, Johnny and I discovered a load of pound coins scattered around the bottom of the nuns’ garden. We assumed the nuns were going senile and were trying to feed the birds with money, so we scooped up the lot and legged it. We got £14 if I remember right.
  89. I remember feeling a surge of pure elation when Packie Bonner saved Timoftei’s penalty in the second round of the 1990 World Cup. Ireland went on to meet Italy in the quarter-finals and Scillachi ruined our dreams.
  90. I have a short memory for people’s wrongdoings. I can forgive almost anything (with some exceptions, of course), and people who bear needless grudges make me incredibly angry.
  91. Summer is my favourite season. I look far better with a tan, and besides, the sun improves my mood.
  92. My happiest family memories of the house I grew up in are of Christmas.
  93. One of the things I miss the most about Ireland is Christmas at my grandparents. Everybody goes there. It’s like a cheesy movie.
  94. At the moment, my favourite beer is Corona. I also like Cobra, Miller and Tiger.
  95. I can’t stand snobbery. Intellectual, social, musical, whatever it is. It’s possible to be knowledgeable and passionate about a subject without belittling those around you. Unless you’re just fucking around, of course.
  96. I went to an all-boy’s secondary school. I think this is part of the reason I started late with girls – I didn’t know any until I went to university.
  97. I was turned down after interview for a PhD. I am glad. They could see more clearly than I could at the time that another 4 years in the education system was the last thing I needed.
  98. I am the only person out of all my friends who’s married.
  99. One of the things I find most frustrating is dealing with people who refuse to see anyone else’s point of view on a situation. I lose patience very quickly with this type of person.
  100. I have very sensitive nipples. Yes, they can be used to turn me on. Just not by you.
  101. Number 69 was a joke designed to shock you and keep you awake as you struggled to reach number 100. Did it work?
Advertisements

21 Comments »

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

  1. dude…..U made me cry!……I ‘wonder’ if I will ever find what you speak of between your grandparents…..um…tell Linz to get going on the carride thing………..!signing anonymoose….cuase blogger is cockbloggin my response…..beta..smeta!

  2. bahaha! That’s a good horney list. With some nice memories thrown in there. Likey likey 🙂

  3. okay. i read all 100. What do i get?

    You’re cool. I think i might just steal your list and pass it off as my own. That would be funny.

  4. Hey we have something really fucked up in common. I too watched someone kill themselves. But no calls for help as he hit the tarmac head first from a tall bridge. :-/

    There are a couple of other things we share from your list but I am not discussing them in public!

  5. I’ve made it only as far as #3 on your list, but had to laugh – just saw a bumper sticker that said “Support Road Head”. Not bad.

    Back to reading …

  6. I roared laughing at number 69 and then felt dirty and guilty.

    Anyway, I figure we’re really well aquainted now. Pint?

  7. Great list – it must have taken ages to compile. It took me weeks to put together my 101 things.

  8. Forget reading the list (which I did and it’s great, really really fantastic)…it took me about 10 visits to your blog to work up the courage to hit the 101 Pieces of Poo link.

    (I have kind of a poo hang-up. I’ll save that for my list…if I ever get around to that.)

    (Seriously, I was afraid there might be pictures of shite or something.)

    (Your list was about 1000001 times better than a picture of shite.)

  9. I am your number one fan after reading this, Kav.

    AR xxx

  10. I got to 101 too! Yes, 69 was a shocker but ya, it worked!

  11. 69? Kav? Of course it would be a joke!
    Seriously though that was superb. Nice work fella.
    Kind of inspiring actually.

  12. How does 38 happen accidentally?

    Good going (71), and God bless them (82). Love like that is worth aspiring to.

  13. I can’t decide whether to give you a literary prize or just roar laughing.
    Class Kav.
    I have very similar thoughts on things which is probably why reading your blog is so enjoyable.

  14. Now I know why everyone has a link to you! It is why I will put up a link to you also.
    Thanks for the top 100.
    Cheers Tim.

  15. […] About Me […]

  16. That list has brightened up my day.

    I too possess an irrational temper. I have broken three XBox controllers in fits of apoplectic rage. I have cursed every inanimate object on God’s green earth. Yet when fired (a proven unfair dismissal as it happens) from a job a few years back, I simply walked out, tidied myself up, and immediately got a job in the pub next door.

    An add to my blogroll for you good sir.

  17. 🙂

  18. I will be back here soon, work cometh

  19. Hi Kav,

    Doing a radio programme on men and childbirth. Interested in talking to you. Would you make cantact at supplied e-mail. Regards, Jacqui

  20. Hey Kav,
    what do u mean by killed a man over an argument about chess ?
    how did u do tat -.-

    • damn i got it


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.
Entries and comments feeds.

%d bloggers like this: