Had to spend this evening in Casualty. I woke last Friday with a lump on my head, right where my cheek meets my earlobe. It was fairly painful, but I thought nothing of it. By Saturday it had doubled in size. By Sunday it had doubled again, and it was agony even to the lightest touch. So, to hospital I went.
Being a reasonable chap, I knew it had to be one of three options:
(a) a pus-filled abscess
(b) cancer of the earlobe, or possibly the lymphatic system
(c) my unborn twin, whose fetus I mysteriously absorbed into myself while still in the womb, was starting to grow inside me and was about to burst out through the side of my head.
Obviously (c), despite being the coolest option, was unlikely. It had to be cancer. Cancer of the earlobe, the worst kind. You shouldn’t joke about these things. Still, what else is there to do when you’re as close to death as I was? I hope you always remember that I kept a smile on my face right to the end.
I was gutted when the doc told me it was an abscess, and not at all life-threatening. However, if I keep getting them, it may mean I’m diabetic, so that’s something, at least.
The coolest bit was when he gave me a local anaesthetic and sliced it open. You should’ve seen the amount of yellowish-black gunk that came out of it. He used fourteen cloths to clean it out. I counted. Gunky.
I have to go around for the next few days with a plaster the size of an envelope on my face. I spent the rest of this evening practicing my “Phantom of the Opera” move. Look at me, look at me, look, look, yes, I’m normal, yes, don’t be afraid my pet…
Then HYEEA! I turn and brandish my hideous deformed right cheek and you cower and shriek like the child you wish you still were.
I hope you are doing well. I miss you all, my little bloglings.